Physical therapy...almost done

First off - yeah it's July 29.  I hate this day.  I hate it enough not to give it any special treatment other than to say I hate it...so that's that.

I had my 3 month assessment at PT yesterday and I met all my goals.  Most of my walking test are in the normal range.  This means my speed is ok (still way too slow for me and for my normal) but much better.  I can step over things and turn around and walk backwards.  I can get from seated to standing in a normal amount of time.  I go tomorrow and we will talk about my home and gym program and then I will be done for now.  There are plenty of things I can't do well but I will need to redefine them and go back for specifics later if I can.

I still have a pretty noticeable limp - especially at the end of the day. My right hip really hurts quite a bit as of late and weight bearing doesn't help.  I had some x-rays done but haven't heard the results.  I did see the xray and then use doctor google at home and to my untrained eye didn't see structural problems anyway...there could kinds of muscular or other stuff I wouldn't have a clue about but the space between my ball and socket looked good.  I was concerned about this since I had underdeveloped hip sockets as a baby and had to wear a brace.

I talked to the therapist about my weakness/numbness.  The chiropractor thinks perhaps I should be more proactive about it.  She was very helpful and we put the electrodes on the muscle (hadn't done that in a month or more) and I let her turn it WAY up.  The result was absolutely nothing.  No hint of any sort of movement.  In her opinion/experience she thinks it is unlikely to come back at this point.  The chiropractor thinks I should see a physiatrist (rehab MD) and I may for a second opinion but I am also OK if this is the way things will be.

So - I will replace my twice weekly visits to PT with the gym.  I'll try to put in on my schedule the same way so I keep to it.  The gym is only a few minutes away instead of 25 so it will be much more convenient.

Back images

I finally got all my medical records and my MRI.  The three of you who read hear may not be interested but I'm posting them here for posterity.

This image shows the disk between the L4 and L5 vertebra pushed out into the spinal canal and pushing in the nerves (the dark line). You can also see the vertebra above and below are bulging as well.  They are still like that and may cause me further issue.

Next is a level of my spine above the injury which shows a normal disk and the white area that has the black dots.  Those black dots are the nerve roots.  The picture after that shows the level of the extruded disc - completely displacing the nerve roots...can't see them.  I think...I have been shown these with an explanation so trying to recreate that from my memory.

I'm a data person...I like having a visual representation of what happened.  I've still been asking many questions of my physical therapist.  More on that next post.

Health update - 10 weeks out (or so)

Most things are coming along very well.  I am walking without a cane 95% now.   There was a big test for me this morning when we went to a picnic at someone's home in the country where there was a lot of uneven ground/grass/slope walking.  I was able to do it all without a cane.  A few weeks ago I started going up and down stairs with one foot per step.  It is challenging and sometimes slow but I can tell it is great exercise for me.

I have been on a few trips and managed to navigate anything that came my way well.

My back is getting more sore.  I'm using it a ton more now.  I saw the surgeon 4 weeks ago and he reminded me of the two disks I have (one above and one below) that are bulging.  So - back problems are always going to be in my future.  I will permanently now lift heavy things and will use the grabber for things on the floor pretty much always to try to save my back.  We had a really hard landing on one of my flights on Thursday and that really hurt my back.  I was also on a small boat recently and the wake wasn't the best thing for it.  I need to just be careful about what I do.  The surgeon said I need to live life and it would be good if I didn't need to do physical labor to support myself.  Being an accountant is a good job for my issues.  He told me not to horseback ride and that is pretty  much the only thing he would rule out.

At the end of the appointment I asked the doctor about my residual numbness and muscle paralysis.  He was kind of surprised I still had some (not the best response I suppose) and talked about the three things that can happen to nerves.  They can be trapped and then released via surgery and recover (nope) they can be severed during a surgery and then reconnect (nope not severed) or they can be crushed and they may or may not ever recover (yep).  He said that at the 6 month mark I may get the nerves back.  It would be sudden. However - with the crushing thing I am wondering how realistic that is.  

The bottom line is that I can walk and drive with my current level of numbness and paralysis and so if this is my end point I can totally live with it.  I think I had written before that there appears to be 3 main muscles that won't activate and my calf and foot are numb.

I'm still in physical therapy and still have goals to attain there.  With my increased back back we will have to see what I should do and what I should avoid.  I had told her I wanted to eventually be able to get down on the floor.  She had be get down to one knee and back up but I hurt after that.  I can't imagine getting all the way up off the floor.  My right leg isn't quite there and my back might hate me.

As far as pain other that the back I do have weird nerve pain.  Sometimes it literally feels like someone is stabbing my foot with a knife but it doesn't last very long so that's ok.  If I wake up in the night often I find that my muscles are spasming and forcing my toes to curl.  However - it doesn't wake me up.  It can be annoying but that's about it.

So - that's my current state.  All very positive.  

Singing!

A health update is coming soon but wanted to write that I have finally made it back to choir and Julia is going to start singing in it as well.  She is doing great!  My choir sings challenging stuff and most people have been in it a long time so sometimes we just sing through a piece once and that's it!  That's what is happening on Sunday.  She is very good at reading music and is keeping up well.  She went to Colorado All-State Middle school choir this past spring and I know that helped.  She'll be singing alto next to me.

On the Julia music front - she is doing so well with Cello.  She is playing around with the Bach Prelude from Cello Suite #1 - you know the one..the ultimate cello song.  It is beautiful.  To get to do chores while listening to that!  Love it!

June!

Wow - it's June.  The kids are out of school as of last Friday.  On to 8th grade and 4th grade.

I've been bathing suit shopping with Julia - on to Lauren today.  It's generally a nightmare for both. Julia's went OK this time.  Last year there were no tankinis for Juniors to be found.  She ended up with a bikini which was not her first choice.  This year we looked at Target and struck out.  Then I looked online and found JC Penney has several. We went there and she easily found a top.  Juniors bottoms don't fit her well...a little skimpy on her..but we found some cute sport shorts she can throw on when she wants more coverage.

I'm supposed to take Lauren this morning.  She's so darned narrow and long that she has to have a two piece in a small size to fix around her rib cage.  She's another that would do well with a different top and bottom size but they don't do that for kids (Land's end does...but we'll look in stores first).  She is still asleep at almost 9 am.  She had a sleepover Sat. night and I guess she's recovering.  Good way to celebrate the first day of summer vacation I guess!  Julia is at a friends house having had a sleepover last night.

My progress has slowed somewhat but that's to be expected.  My walking continues to improve and I feel stronger in that regard.  I use the cane out of safety when I am out and about..I don't trust my walking 100% but it's getting closer.  I never use it during PT and have been doing a lot of balance and stepping exercises.  I can bear weight on my right leg now - enough to step over a tall cone with my left leg.  The feeling in my foot and calf are unchanged but I'm getting more and more used to it so I guess it's not bugging me as much.   I'm having more back pain now...I think it is because I am moving around more.  I still have two weeks until I see the surgeon so who knows what it normal.  I know there is a risk of re-herniation and so I'm going to be careful for a while...I have read that after 3 months the risk decreases so I'll see what the surgeon's take is.

Lauren's up and we've got to get moving!

Monday update

I've seen more improvement in the last few days.  I'm now walking around my house without my cane except for first thing and the morning and at night when I am tired.  I tried driving on Saturday and was able to drive to the school which is only a few minutes away.  I've given myself a 10 minute drive allowance.  I can tell my leg will tire out easily.  This is a big victory and will make my life easier.  I have two short errands I am hoping to run today...scratch that..I should just do one because I want to pick Julia up at her bus stop (elementary school) today.

I'm going to physical therapy today.  It's 25 minutes away and so I have a ride lined up.  I'm going to go to work on Wednesday.  I also have a ride for that as it is downtown.  I usually work two days a week but will just do one this week.  Next week is problematic because due to the holiday I would need to work two days in a row...which I am unsure about.

The terrible rushing things in my leg at night have slowed down quite a bit.  I still get a few but they are not nearly as relentless.

One more highlight then I'll get to the challenges.  My church had a special service yesterday for confirmations, baptisms and graduations of the youth.  Julia was not part of those but all youth were invited to sing with the choir.  I didn't want to miss this so Julia and I sung in one of the services.  It was wonderful.  My friend Bob took a picture and said some really kind words about the two of us singing being a highlight for him.  Here it is.  We are near the upper right center...me with the dark hair and Julia to my left.

On to the challenges.

My foot and leg and muscles haven't progressed.  I know it could be a year or two with nerve damage.  I don't know whether to expect slow progress or fits and spurts or all at once.  I've not lost hope by any means.  Luke has been doing some massage and is moving all my joints for me that I cannot move myself in hopes of keeping things as healthy as possible.  When I'm in bed at night I really struggle as a move about.  Luke was asking me why and I told him I thought it was trying to keep my back from twisting,which is true, but I realized last night in a "duh" moment that when I am lying on my left side I can barely move my right leg.  Whatever muscles are responsible for that clearly are very weak.  I try to put a pillow between my legs and I have to use my hand to pick up my leg.  So when I want to roll over it is very difficult to do so.  I will talk to my therapist about this.  I'm sure it will be put on the list of less important things but it is a significant deficit.  I'm hoping it's one of those things I just need to exercise.  The feeling is my foot and calf is also the same.  I'm still having Luke tape my toes.  I've got one that won't stay up.  Between not being allowed to bend and having only partial control of my foot it takes me a long time to put on socks and shoes.  I have a special tool to put on my socks, which is really nifty.  I also have a very long shoehorn.  Mostly though, I struggle with making sure my toes are behaving when I am trying to get the foot in my shoe.  I can't tell if they are straight or not and it just takes a long time to wiggle my foot into my shoe.  All this isn't a complaint but it is an adjustment.  I used to be pretty proud I could take a shower and be ready in thirty minutes - not any more!

I'll stop there for now and just repeat..Yay for driving!

Better night

I don't like medications and had taken myself off of one (well all) but decided to add back on last night before bed and while it didn't help my before sleep problems I had a much better night's sleep.  I was groggy this morning...I woke at 6:20 and would not have been able to drive Julia to the bus (if I were actually driving) but by 8 was just fine.  So - I will stay on it for now.

I had Luke tape one of my toes that is dropping and where those nasty leg rushes ends up...I feel that toe cramp and jerk.  It felt much better and kept the toe still which was good.

I go to PT today.  I have a laundry list of stuff to address - I'll let her know that I realize we can't address it all - but I am going to attempt to fix all of it one way or another and we can prioritize.

Three weeks

Well - I'm going to hijack this blog for a bit and use it to dump about my medical condition.  I hope that someday I will see progress and that will be a good thing.  I also just need to complain.  I do this always aware that I could be dealing with much more serious things.  I definitely have perspective.

It's three weeks since my surgery and I'd say so things have improved and others stayed the same or gotten worse.

I'm basically dealing with 5 things:

Back Pain:

Basically nonexistent.  Getting better for sure.  I can move around more easily and I can stand up without pain.  The incision seems to be healed and there is just some nearby swelling that I have no clue if I should be concerned about or not.

Back mobility:

I'm under restrictions (no clue for how long..another thing on the list of things I hope someone tells me at some point).  No bending, lifting, twisting, picking up more than 10 pounds.  I will probably keep up with many of these as I know I have a slight herniation of another disk and I am probably not done with back troubles in general.

However...this means I cannot shave my legs,  rub my stupid numb foot or tie my shoes - among other things.  Luke has agreed to shave my legs for me, for now... :)

Muscle Weakness:

The extreme loss of strength is something that was resolved mostly after surgery and the physical therapy really helps with this.  I feel confident I can become strong or stronger than I was before.  After therapy is done I plan to figure out a strengthening regime that will work for me for the future.

Muscles not working:

I have googled and self-diagnosed at least three muscles not working.  From what I understand my brain can't tell my muscle to activate because of the nerve damage.  These are the ones:  peroneus longus and peroneus brevis and Extensor Digitorum Longus.  I basically can't turn my foot out and cannot lift my food from the small toe side.  When I lift my foot, the big toe side is doing all the work.   One of the issues with this is that when I walk on this foot I land flat-footed on the big toe side.  My knee is turned in and this is just a recipe for trouble.  My arch won't work and I can see knee and ankle problems in the future.  I also don't know if I can ever have anything like a normal gait with these muscles failing to work.

The therapist tried electric stimulation on one of the failed muscles last week.  In theory the current would have made the muscle move..but it didn't .  I have no clue why.  I want to find a way to keep those muscles from atrophy.  Also, no clue how I'm going to do this but I'm going to look into it.

Numbness:

My numbness is no better and actually feels more pronounced in my foot and calf.    This is a maddening feeling - especially since I can bend in such a way to rub my foot.  My toes are numb, plus while I can move them I cannot flex them at the joint so they feel frozen.  One of them has started to feel like it is dropped below the others.  I just have a constant tingling and dead feeling and I just have to try not to think about it.

The overall cause of these last two is nerve damage.  For whatever reason - when I go to bed at night I get some nerve pain but worse than that I get this other thing that is hard to describe.  It's like a big rush of slush down my leg into my toes and it makes my whole leg want to jump or actually jump if I can't contain it.  It is terribly uncomfortable and when I want to go to sleep it just keeps happening over and over again.  It makes me want to cut my foot off.  My foot also gets so sensitive that the sheet feels like sandpaper and the weight of the covers feels like they are made of lead.   Narcotics, nerve pain medicine, and muscle relaxers cannot stop this from happening.  Those things can knock me out after an hour of the the misery but that's it.  I've stopped all three and discovered for sure none were helping any pain or discomfort but they were at least helping me to sleep.  However,  I don't want to take powerful drugs for other things to make me sleep.  I have a call into the surgeon's office to discuss what I could use instead.  Hoping for a magic elixer for that discomfort but not counting on it.

OK - this is getting too long.  I'll add more next time.  If you read this far - that was nice of you but I understand if you want to just ignore these posts!

My Back

I've been having back pain since last November.  It got pretty bad and then subsided.  At the beginning of April it started to get bad again.   It finally got bad enough I scheduled an appointment with a chiropractor.  He assessed me and told me I needed an MRI.  He got me into one the next day and discovered I had a "massive" herniated disk.

I had a referral to see a surgeon on Thursday.  On Monday I was feeling OK and I was at work.  We walked to lunch and by the time we were halfway back I was in incredible pain.  My coworker told me I was walking like Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Tuesday morning after the kids were off to school I hopped in the shower.  I was shampooing my hair when something changed and I was in incredible pain.  I hobbled out and texted Luke who was in the basement working.  He came and got me and helped me get dressed on downstairs.  My right leg would not work at all.  I managed to find a very strange position on the couch but I was in incredible pain again.  I texted with me brother (who is a surgeon) and he felt I should probably go to the ER.  I tried to call the surgeon who I was going to see and also the chiropractor.  I mulled it over for about 2 hours.  Meanwhile Luke ran to get my MRI cd while my neighbor came and sat with me.

Luke somehow managed to get me into the car and to the ER.  He got a wheelchair and wheeled me in.  They were very busy so we waiting almost 2 hours and they brought me back to a room.  The nurse basically told me I needed to get into the bed but she wasn't allowed to help.  Luckily Luke did.  With an unusable leg it was quite difficult.

The ER doctor came and and did a bunch of neurological tests on my leg and viewed the MRI.  He came back in not too much later and told me I'd be having surgery that evening.  Luke left to get the girls to friends' houses and they transported me by ambulance to the other hospital downtown.

I arrived and the surgeon was waiting.  Luke got there quickly as well and the surgeon pulled up my MRI.  It was a little hard for me to see but it was very dramatic.  You could see the cord and then it made a serious sideways "u" where the disk pushed the cord aside.  He tested me leg and it got a 1 our of 5 on all the tests which meant it was seriously weak.  It was also completely numb from the hip down.  He wanted me to go straight to surgery but there was a delay in the surgical suite so there was time for one more MRI, which was good since something had changed since my last MRI.  While I was waiting for surgery the Minister of Music form my church  (who is my choir director) came by and prayed with us before my surgery.

They took me down for surgery and put me out.  I woke up the surgeon trying to assess my leg but I was far too out of it and in major pain.  My right leg felt like it was on fire.  Which was a good sign but horribly painful.  After trying several drugs they finally gave me something to take the edge off.  About 2 hours later (midnight by now) the surgeon cam back to assess me and most of the leg tests were back to a 4 out of 5 from the 1.  That was a huge relief.  The other thing that had happened before the surgery is that I lost the ability to urinate.  I had a catheter after surgery.  Fortunately that is all back to normal!

The next day physical therapists came to stand me up and see if I could bear weight on my leg.  For about 15 seconds I was doing well but then I got dizzy and they laid me down and found my vlood pressure had dropped to 70/30.  They told me they didn't even know how I was talking to them with such a low blood pressure.  That was a feeling I hope to never feel again...very scary.

Later that day they moved me out of ICU and I spent the next two days trying to manage my pain.  I started to get dizzy and nauseous.  After a few more days they sent me upstairs for rehab.  I was extremely dizzy and nauseous.  Luke stayed with me.  He was so wonderful.   I had a few more days of bad dizziness and nausea while I tried to do my therapy.  They finally gave me a nausea patch and then I was good.  I was trying to do without narcotics as the side-effects were worse the the pain.  After a few days I went to just using a muscle relaxer and tylenol and that was much better.

Rehab was really interesting.   They discovered I was completely shifted to the left.  I had been compensating for the right side for quite a while.  I also have a lot of muscle weakness that maybe I have had for a while.  They got me using a walker pretty quickly but it was hard at first because my right foot and calf are still very numb.  I had to trust that I could use them even though I couldn't really feel them.  I have had some slight return of feeling and I can wiggle my toes a bit more. Otherwise there is still at least one muscle that refuses to work and so I cannot turn my right foot out at all.

I worked on climbing stairs after I had mastered the walker because my house has a ton of stairs.  With a cane and a railing I have mastered that now, but it hurts a bit.

Being on the rehab floor was a bit hard because I was not allowed to get out of bed or the wheelchair without a nurse.  It just felt really confining even though for most of my stay I absolutely needed help.

My in-laws drove in the day after my surgery to hold down the fort. I can't tell you how much that helped!  They are still here to help for the rest of the week.

After a few days in rehab I got a new roommate.  Strangely - she had the same injury as I did!  What happened to us is called Cauda Equina and it's pretty rare.

In addition to the physical therapy I had occupational therapy.  I folded clothes, made toast, picked up socks using a reacher.   I also put dishes and food away and some laundry tasks.

The day before I got out (I was in rehab for a week) they lifted my restrictions so I could walk around in the walker on my own.  Yesterday I got to come home.

So - here's where I stand:

I'm using a cane to get around the house.  My right foot and calf are still numb.  My leg strength is pretty good.  I can stand without aid but I'm not doing that much because I do need the cane once I start moving to be stable.

There is still swelling around my surgery site and until that goes down I won't know what functions are going to come back.  It could be a year even from what they have told me.  Worse case I stay like I am and I can live with that.

My back pain when I need to roll over in bed and if I turn the wrong way is still pretty strong.  I'm not on any pain medicine so just dealing with it.  I also have major pain in my leg when I am lying down.  I'm really hoping that some of that will abate as I am not sleeping very well.

I have to be very careful about bending, lifting, and twisting.  I'm carrying around a reacher so I can get things off the floor.  I do not know when I might be able to drive. I have regained a lot of movement in my ankle and I feel like I will eventually be able to drive.  I think the physical therapist will need to give me the OK.  Meanwhile it's going to be a bit hard to not be able to drive.  I will start outpatient therapy soon.  I am waiting for them to call me to set it up.  I decided to go with the hospital's outpatient therapy because they seem good - but the facility is pretty far from my house which will make getting rides hard.  It will all work out though.

All of this was a shock to the system.  It was such a whirlwind and to go from feeling "normal" to needing assistance to walk, perhaps forever.  That's the way life works though. It could have been much worse so I'm thankful for the mobility I do have.

Clumsy

I can kind of shake my head about this now but during the week of the  anniversary of Nathan's diagnosis when I was already a bit on edge, the middle school counselor called me.  She called to tell me that Julia's teachers were worried about the number of times she falls down in school.

We already knew Julia was a bit clumsy but what the school was telling me was a different level of clumsy.  They said she fell getting up, sitting down, and sometimes when she was just sitting at her desk.  Sometimes multiple times a day.

We decided to just observe her for the next several days until her appointment the next week.  We saw nothing.

So, the day before the appointment, after she had gotten through an important audition, I talked to her about it.

She was pretty mortified and described the different things that happen to her.  Mostly, that she has size 10 feet, is 5'8" and gets tangled getting in and out of the desks and picnic tables she sits at.  She also falls if she drops her pencil and tries to reach under her chair to get it.  She sometimes trips up the stairs as well.

I took her to the doctor who did some small tests but agreed that she's just growing fast, and bigger than her peers.  She's 99% for her height.  If she stops growing she'll still be in the top 95% in height of all women.

I asked her to think a bit before she gets up.  She does tend to be over-eager at times and I think she jumps up before her body is ready.  Her school is an art-integrated school where they are very hands on and constantly getting up and about during class time.

I know, by now, I can't react regularly to medical things with my kids.  So I guess I handled it all ok for me.  I'm glad she is A OK.

Spring Break 2015

We've been wanting to visit New Orleans to see my sister-in-law, Anna, for a few years but had been dissuaded by the high air fares and finding time to visit.  I finally looked it up and discovered it was a 18-19 hour drive for us.   Luke discovered he had enough points from business travel for a free hotel and so we were set.

We were able to leave on a Thursday morning due to school conference schedules and so we drove about 12 hours on Thursday and then Friday drove part of the way and stopped for lunch in Lafayette to have lunch with friends there.  They told us about a very large, very old live oak nearby so we stopped by to see it.

After that we were off to New Orleans.  We arrived and quickly discovered how hard it is to navigate the busy one way downtown streets but we got to our hotel and Anna came to meet us.  We walked down to the river.  There was a riverboat that had a steam powered calliope.  There was a very lengthy recital and after we got over the inherent flat notes it produced we really enjoyed seeing and hearing it.  It was something I had never seen before so that's always cool.   Here's someone else's video if it.

We had dinner and then some beignets for dessert.

On Saturday we took the streetcar to Anna's place.  We then got back on the streetcar to go to City Park.  We needed some breakfast and so sampled our second beignet joint.  We walked around the park and Anna took us to see the "Singing Oak" a tree with giant windchimes.  It was awesome.  Here's a little video clip.

We hung out under the tree for a long time.  It was supremely relaxing.

We walked a little more and then headed out to get some po'boys for lunch.  We stood in a really long line and the food was well worth it.  It was the first of many outdoor meals we had, which was wonderful in and of itself.  

We headed back down the french quarter to our hotel and relaxed for a bit.  We then picked a restaurant on the St. Charles streetcar line.  The streetcars are older and the windows open.  It was a beautiful night so we enjoyed the ride and then had another meal outside.

Our ride back was slightly less lovely...the streetcars were all very full and we squeezed ourselves on only to discover a large bachelorette party on board.  They were very loud and decided to scream at the top of their lungs every time the lights onboard blinked.  It was...an experience anyway!  We got back to the hotel and Luke and Anna went to go get a distinctly New Orleans drink at the bar that originated it - a Sazerac.

Sunday we slept in and headed back out towards Anna's for brunch.  We had a great meal (mine had a fried green tomato) and then we decided to go see the garden district.  We stopped for some refreshments and then went to a nearby old cemetery.  Julia's ankled had pretty much had enough walking at this point (she has flat feet...custom orthotics..but a lot of walking still hurts her).  We went to go catch a streetcar but they were so full they wouldn't even stop.  We decided to get on the wrong way and then catch one further down the line.  We eventually did so and then headed back to the hotel for a rest and then brought some dinner in.

Monday, after a third beignet joint sampling,  we went to a state park with a swamp and bayous.  After some navigational challenges we arrived and walked for a bit.  There was an elevated boardwalk to walk on in the swamp. We saw some gators and and interesting birds along with the cool swamp vegetation.

We left the park to go an a swamp boat tour.  We saw lots of gators and Julia and Luke even held a young one.

We went back to the park to go on a different trail and had a wonderful time.  Our favorite times as a family are always walks/hikes like these.

We drove back to the city and met Anna for a drink and then had some dinner.  

Tuesday we had a leisurely morning and a nice brunch followed by a walk down by the river and a visit to some of the historic museums.  

We headed back to pack up and have one last meal with Anna.  We had some po'boys again.  We all agreed they weren't as good as the first place but had another beautiful night to eat outside.

Wednesday and Thursday we drove back home.  Lots of Texas in that drive!

It was a fabulous trip!

Small wins

Luke's been gone for work this week.  These were my small victories...

1.  I helped with linear algebra homework twice! I normally stay clear and everyone is happier that I do, but I knew this week's work.  Yay!

2.  Successfully navigated the weeks activity schedule solo.  It's built so it can be done but it is a pain.  Highlights include Wednesday...Take Julia (with Lauren in tow) at 7:00 am to school across town (turning around once to get forgotten dress clothes) drive back home.  Take Lauren to her bus and drive back into rush hour and go downtown to work.  Come home from work, get Lauren from bus and drive to Julia's school for a orchestra performance (dinner included at least). Rush downtown to church for choir rehearsals for all three of us.  Drive home.  Violin practice was not achieved that day but we made it everywhere pretty much on time and I got my work done so that was good.  Monday was also a record setting day for number of round trips...but most of them were very close to home. Lauren helpfully pointed out to me that I drove to and from her school 3 times today.

3.  Did all the laundry, but did not fold it...yet...the night is still young!  (kidding...not gonna happen)

Anyway...it's pretty silly - I've got it easy but it was the homework victory that made my night.  Especially since Lauren then asked me to teach her long division.  I taught her and warned her common core probably won't do it the way I do it but they are both right!

Grief - almost 8 years later

It's really, really, hard to think it has been almost 8 years. It's actually pretty depressing. Time does have a way of marching on. So what does grief look like now? I'd say it has stabilized. It hasn't changed for many years and I don't expect it to. As I have been contemplating this post I ran across this quote from a TV show

"I used to assume that grief was something inside that you could fight and vanquish, but it’s not. It’s an external thing, like a shadow. You can’t escape it, you just have to live with it. And it doesn’t grow any smaller. You just come to accept that it’s there…." — "Broadchurch"

I think that is very true.  I'm sad every single day.  That doesn't also mean I'm not happy every single day.  Tears come to my eyes all the time...I don't often let them out but they are there.  It's not possible to miss Nathan less.  I never missed him more at the beginning it was just that the lack of his presence was more keenly felt at the beginning.  Unfortunately I have had to learn to live a life without him and so I am used to living life without him.  That's not the same as not being sad about it.  It sucks.

Thank you to Vickie, Robin, and Erin for commenting on my last post.  I think I do have things to say and now I know I have a few people to say them to.  No pressure to continue to comment...I'll know you are there.

Open again?

I'm considering getting back to blogging. I'm really unsure though. When I think of the things I would want to write about, it doesn't feel exactly safe. It almost feels like I have concealed part of who I am in order to live my current life. That's kind of sad and I didn't realize it until I started writing this. I'm not sure what exactly has changed in the last few years. Facebook seemed to take the place of blogging for a good number of years, but I find I use it a bit less because of all the political posts. I have to keep myself from responding to al the conspiracy theories out there. When I don't refrain myself I regret that too. If I post something about Nathan or about grief I get a bunch of "likes". I feel I have to dole those out very carefully as to not become a person people get sick of seeing these things from. The blog feels slightly more anonymous but it's really not at all. Perhaps it's easier not knowing who is reading it while at the same time, it could be exactly the people I wouldn't want reading it...but if they know I don't know can't we all pretend they haven't read it? So - I don't know...I'm thinking...

Changes

First of all, some of you may have received an invitation to view this blog...that was not my intention as google seems to have a mind of its own, so if I spammed you, I am sorry.

Secondly, due to the reasons from the previous post I have reverted all my posts to draft.  I will be moving this blog to a different host where I can password protect some of the posts and not others. I will let you know when that happens and how to get the password.

People Suck

So - for a while now I have been dealing with the unauthorized use of a picture I took of Nathan, looking out a window.  The legitimate blog, The Big Picture, of Boston.com asked me to include the picture for a childhood cancer awareness post.  I agreed but people then stole the picture and someone has even created a meme and attributed a quote and attached a url onto that photo.  I see it pop up onto my Facebook feed regularly and it is not a good feeling.  It is not regarded somehow as a generic childhood cancer photo for free use.  It is not.

Then I received a message on Facebook that pictures from here and Picasaweb and such are being used in someone else's blog.  I have not hear back where that might be.  I suspect the person who sent me the message was using a pseudonym.  If that person is reading this - I really would appreciate more information.  I have since made a bunch of things private and unpublished a bunch of posts here.  I hope to make things public again at some point.  If I make this blog private I will give you a warning and ability to log in.

If any of you reading this know of other uses of Nathan's photo - please let me know.

February 2013 Pictures

February was a pretty good month!

We started it with a winter hike to Mueller State Park.  I think there was one other car up there with us. We went on a trail that had a frozen lake and spent most of our time playing on that.  It got warm enough to take our coats off by the end.  There was also a friends and family music recital with the four of us got to play "Chorus from Judas Maccabeus" Lauren on violin, Julia and I on cellos and Luke on his guitar.  It was fun!  I am hesitant to post the video because I was sick and tired and I look sick and tired...quite unattractive...you will see...but just look at my beautiful daughters instead.

We also had a nice big snow at the house, finally.  The last pictures of significance are of Julia's new glasses and Julia and I before we went to the opera.  Enjoy!  (slideshow posted below)

January 2013 Pictures

January is always light on pictures as we recover from the holidays!  Julia's birthday is the highlight as usual!

Seven

Lauren turned seven on November 16.  On December 30 she became older than Nathan was.  I was aware this was happening..since he was also born on the 16th it didn't take much math to figure it out.  Mercifully it didn't occur to me on the the day...I think we were actually driving home from Illinois all day.

Lately I have become acutely aware of the sameness of age.  Lauren is probably around the same size as Nathan.  He was, of course, thin and had not grown very tall with all the chemo.  When I cuddle her I am reminded of him.

I cherish being able to cuddle her at seven and think I will feel some sadness when she turns 8 and I will not have any more seven year olds to cuddle.

I help in her class on Thursdays and when I help the seven year old boys in her class I am reminded of my seven year old boy.  It is both sweet and sour...but I do enjoy it.

It just saddens me as time slips away and for whatever reason it just feels to me when Lauren moves on to second grade and turns 8 I will somehow be yet much further down and road and further away from Nathan.

2012

Time keeps flying by... Here are some highlights of 2012

 January  - Julia turned 10 years old and got her ears pierced

February - We had a snow day, hung around the house said goodbye to the old kitchen and Julia had a cello recital

March - We continued work on the kitchen while using the dining room as a makeshift kitchen.  We went on a fun hike to Castlewood Canyon.

April - The kitchen is finally done!  There was Easter, many semester end shows and activities, a visit from the Grandpa Mike and Grandma Kathy, and a fun visit to the Florissant Fossil Beds.

May - Lots of playing outside, more end of school activities and a visit from the Craddocks!

June - Julia went to camp and then we went to Hilton Head for two weeks to visit Grandma C and Grandpa Bill.  We enjoyed watching the owl family living in their tree and playing in the pool and ocean with cousins.

July - Fourth of July, violin recital, a visit from Brady, playing in the sprinklers, Luke's birthday and a fun getaway to Buena Vista for Luke and I

August - Aunt Annie came to visit, more recitals, first day of school, a trip to Santa's Workshop, a fun weekend in Copper Mountain which included Luke's first guitar gig

September - Field Day at school, a choir banquet for Luke and I, more recitals, Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Mike and their friends Sue and Terry come to take care of the girls while Luke and I go to Europe with my parents.  Josh, Jae and cousin James also came to visit while we were away.  Oh and I celebrated the big 4-0.

October - enjoyed the beautiful weather, more recitals, fun day at the Science Museum with cousins, and Halloween.

November - more recitals, Julia's musical, Lauren's birthday, kids choir concert, went to a wedding and had a birthday party for Lauren

December - Pageant for Julia, decorating the tree, more recitals Christmas jam with a neighbor, a brief visit to our good friends The Shades, atrip to Illinois for Christmas which included; a Christmas Eve bonfire, the girls playing in church, spending time with Anna(sister-in-law) and Chris, visits by my brother and my cousin and his family, and finally home for New Years