One Month

It has been one month. How is it that time just goes on? It has been almost three months since Nathan began really declining and stopped walking. So - in some ways it seems longer than one month. One thing that stays very clear to me is the memory sweeping his hair to the side with my hand and kissing his forehead. I can always do that in my mind and it feels very real to me.

I had two phone calls today from people who just learned that Nathan died. There were excuses about the busyness of summer. I'm thinking, why make excuses? - it doesn't matter to me why you didn't know.

Making ourselves do things....

We spent the past weekend with my brother's family up in the mountains. We were really waffling about going. It was one of those things that sounded fun, but in our depressed state also sounded like a lot of effort.

But - we bucked up and went. We had a really good time. Nathan loved it there - so that was hard. What else is new, though. Everything without him will be hard at first. It has already been four weeks.

Nathan tribute

Someone who I do not know, made this video about Nathan. She (or he but I am guessing she) has made other videos of other neuroblastoma kids.

It is kind of hard for me to watch. I have "hidden" those pictures on my hard drive so I don't run across them.

I will put it here, but not on caringbridge - because she put this blog's address on it and though I know some of my caringbridge readers have found this site through a search engine - I don't really want the two linked since this is more personal and I might feel less free to post things on here if I know that the person sitting next to me at church that I don't know very well is reading it.

China

I have always liked this song by Tori Amos. It played on my iPod today and it felt different. I feel like it was directed at me.

I am not exactly sure how I am dismantle the great wall without it causing me to completely fall apart.


China all the way to new york
I can feel the distance getting close
Youre right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks dont seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say well take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want to me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China all the way to new york
Maybe you got lost in mexico
Youre right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you

I can feel the distance getting close

Nathan's memorial service

Spencer

There is a boy who has been fighting neuroblastoma for over five years. Sometime last year, this beautiful piece was created about him. It is truly amazing to hear his perspective as a child fighting this awful disease. He is several years older than Nathan was, but it really gives me comfort to hear what he has to say.

First day of Kindergarten

Here they are, ~A~

Two weeks

So now it has been two weeks. Today has been a hard day as I find myself on the verge of tears constantly. I have a friend coming to visit (Hi Mina!) and we absolutely had to shove some toys out of the way so she could sleep. Luke decided to organize and so this morning I decided to try but it was overwhelming going through all of Nathan's toys. I was just so darn sad that he can no longer play with them. I just cried and cried and had to stop. I told Luke I could shove but that was all. So - he cleaned the whole thing. He said it was hard for him too - but he did it. We have not attempted to go through his things and I think that is a LONG way off.

Tomorrow - back to the real world. Julia goes to school, Luke goes to work and my parents leave. Yikes.

Practicalities

I hate all the practical things that must be done after Nathan's death. At school today I had to ask the office staff (who loved Nathan because he would spend recess chatting with them when he couldn't run around) to take his lunch funds and put them in Julia's account. I am currently trying to fax his death certificate and a letter from his doctor to an airline so that we can rebook a flight he never could take and I could put Lauren in his seat.

It just doesn't seem right to be dealing so cavalierly with his death - but that is reality. It sucks.

Sick Sick Sick

I wrote on Saturday on Nathan's page that I was sure some kind of crash was coming. It did.

I spent 8 hours in the ER on Sunday. Hope this isn't TMI but after a cat scan I left with a diagnosis of colitis and a wayward IUD. I took it easy yesterday - got the IUD taken care of and went to bed. I woke up this morning very nauseas and threw up all morning and am currently still feeling like crap.

I was remembering that I got very sick during Nathan's first surgery in NY and also during his stem cell transplant. I can't help but wonder if my body is just revolting from the incredible stress.

The last time I threw up this morning, I said to myself that I simply could not take anymore. I could not handle anymore. Thankfully the throwing up ceased.

I really need my body to heal now - I have no tolerance for any of this.

One week

I don't know how it can already have been one week since Nathan took his last breath. The week has been incredibly busy making all the arrangements, seeing all the friends and family and having the memorial service.

In case you missed it on Nathan's page - here is the link to the obituary.

I may put the audio of the memorial service somewhere once I get it. Then again, I may not since Julia WAILED through the second half and it is most heartbreaking thing. She was fairly quite through the eulogy so perhaps I will at least put that up.

We are currently all at home with no one else here. There are only four of us now - very strange - very wrong.

Looks

I have been resisting new blogger - so I finally bit the bullet - not sure yet if I like it so it may change again. Meanwhile I feel like I am missing some links - let me know if you want one!