Julia's Turn

I took Julia in for a well-child visit.  It was WAY overdue.  However, she is a "well child" so I guess with her being older with no issues I have neglected to bring her in.  They have no record of her height in their current system which goes back to Oct 2007.  So - it has been 3 or more years.  Geez!  She has been in for this or that but they only take her weight on those visits.

She is 52 inches - which is the 80th percentile for height.  She weighs 57 pounds which is 52nd percetile for weight and her BMI is 14.8 which is the 27th percentile.   So she is tall and slim... a good thing to be!

The doctor looked her over and declared her healthy and suggested I bring her back in a few years...

the club

I went for a mammogram today.  It was a baseline screening type due to some family history.  I'm getting close to 40 anyway.  No cause for concern.

Anyway I mention this because the tech started telling me about the procedure and made a comment that I didn't seem concerned and seemed pretty relaxed.  I told her I had a child with cancer and this seemed like pretty simple stuff compared to other medical tests.  She picked up on the "had" part and we had a discussion about child loss.  She lost her 17 year old in a plane crash 11 years ago.  It was a brief but meaningful conversation where she acknowledged some of the truths of losing a child and some perspective of being 11 years out and what things are easier and what things are not.  She made a comment about how sometimes chance meeting are not chance and I feel she was right.  I really needed to have a encounter with someone who knows - as you can tell from my angsty post from yesterday.

flashback

I was just standing at the kitchen window eating a piece of leftover cornbread for breakfast and was suddenly transported to the Memorial Sloan Kettering cafeteria on a busy weekday morning - standing by the muffin case, Nathan in a stroller, gathering breakfast before we went up the the pediatric floor.  All the smells and crowd noise came back.  So did an overwhelming feeling of being so glad not to be there but at the same time giving anything to be back there with Nathan.

snap out of it

I have a few posts brewing but this a prelude to one and is short and sweet.  I think that the people who love me but have not lost a child themselves (which is almost everyone) are really waiting and hoping for me to "snap out of it".  They know someone else who has lost a child or they read someone else's blog or they simply are just concerned for my and my families' well-being and so when I post a grief entry on here they get worried about me or they just start wishing for me to get to the "next place" or somehow progress to a different place. 

I know you are all well-meaning, but it just is defeating to know that I am being judged for where I am with my grief.  One who loves me very much recently compared my grief with someone else's and I know that person meant well but it hurt, because I am where I am and I feel what I feel and I am on my own time frame.

I will post soon about a letter I got and for some reason got buried on my desk until a few days ago.  A letter acknowledging my grief and admitting some of these feelings about waiting and hoping for me to "snap out of it" and then having a revelation about where I am.  Jude - if you are reading this, this is yours and I will be privately emailing you and then hopefully sharing more of what you said if you agree.

Bread!

Disclaimer:  I am reviewing this just because I love it.  There's none of that bloggy endorsement stuff going on here.

I recently ordered a cook book I had read an article about in the paper.  It is called

Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day: The Discovery That Revolutionizes Home Baking

The title isn't really accurate and I think the authors did not have a lot of choice because they quickly explain the title when you start reading.

The reality is you quickly mix together about 4 pounds (or more) dough at once and let it rise at room temperature initially for about 2 hours and then and store it in the fridge.  It is an especially moist dough so it does not dry out.  

You then can keep the dough for up to two weeks in the fridge and just grab 1 pound of dough at a time. You quickly shape it and let it rise for 30 minutes.  You preheat the oven for 20 minutes and bake for 30 minutes.  So - you have to have time at home while it rises and bakes but the actual hands on work on the day you bake the bread is only about 5 minutes. Since I am a stay at home mom it fits just fine into my schedule.  However, with planning ahead you could get up on the morning to shape the dough and let it rise while preheating and then bake for 30 minutes and take it out of the oven before work.  

Anyway - the bread this first week has been amazing!  Very crusty outside, moist and chewy inside.  The one pound loaf is a great size for the 4 of us.  I can always bake another loaf the next day if I want more since it is so easy.

I started with the basic white bread last week and next week I am going to try European Rustic bread.  I just finished baking up the last loaf (which is actually a bit more than 1 pound).  I am still perfecting the scoring of the top..here's a picture.

Julia is 8!

Happy 8th Birthday to Julia - See the end for current pic! I'll add today's cake picture later!

January  2002

January  2003

January  2004

January  2005

January  2006

January  2007

January  2008

January  2009

January  2010

Lauren's Song

I was getting ready this morning and Lauren was lying on the bathroom floor just singing a made up song. She was singing about people dying of cancer and that "everybody dies". Then she started to sing about how God is with you everywhere and with everyone at the same time, at your friend's house and at your grandma's house. She sung about how God is the King of Kings and all-powerful.

I think she may actually really get it.

Resolutions

I am not the type to make New Year's resolutions.  However I have made one silly one and one good one.

First - I was inspired by Kay to try to downsize my portions.  I don't have too much weight I want to lose (10 pounds max) but I know I eat more than I should and to just be aware of my eating and portions will be a good thing.

Secondly - I have decided to leave the last vestiges of the 80's behind and stop heavily lining the bottom of my eyes with eyeliner. Blessed - do I hear a cheer from CA on that one?

So - there you go.

Little Lauren stats

I took Lauren in for her 4 year old well-child visit yesterday.  They were too booked up to get her in until now although the Dr. told me she'd squeeze Lauren in anytime I wanted....she has a special interest in keeping Lauren healthy.   She basically said that to me yesterday while examining her.   She never caught Nathan's cancer and there is not reason she really should have up until that point but she still regrets it.

Anyway... Lauren is healthy and still small. However her growth curve is great - just way below average.

Here are the stats:

Height 39.5 inches - 38th percentile
Weight 29.5 pounds - 5th percentile
BMI: 13.0 - 0-1st percentile

To go along with December in review post

December in review

See - I could do a decade in review, or a year in review. However, December has been so light on posting I think I had better start right there. However, I wish you could just read my mind because I have a hard time putting it down. I seems to start writing and then feel too tired to go into all the detail needed. So - detail may be light but at least I will get the entry done!

As is true for almost everyone, December was a very busy month. My church choir puts on a big concert every year at the local performing arts center. We have many practices. The concert was great as usual. I feel so lucky to be able to sing with such a large choir (150) with a full orchestra. What fun!

Lauren had her preschool program somewhere in there. It was very cute and Julia even got to come because I was taking her out of school for a dentist appointment that afternoon anyway so I just picked her up early.

The girls had their ballet recital in December as well. This involved ringlets and buns and steaming, steaming and steaming of costumes. On Friday night for the dress rehearsal and then again on Saturday. Saturday morning was supposed to included a 3 hour rehearsal for Christmas Eve services for choir but I quickly realized I could not go and get home in time for all the hair and makeup. More on Christmas Eve later... The girls both did great and it was one of the best recitals so far.

The next morning after all the ballet we dropped off the girls at my friend Reeda's house. She had offered to watch them for us so we could attend my uncle's funeral in DC. We weren't sure we were really going to be able to go. There was a blizzard there on Saturday. We were really lucky and our flight left and got in without a hitch. We were even able to get a cab fairly easily in DC even though the airport's metro station was closed. We took the underground metro to a favorite restaurant for dinner after we got in. It was strange to be back in there with the ghost of my 23 year old self wearing a business suit eating there. It had been 10 years since I had been back. Oh -- I used to live there...seem to have left that detail out...

My uncle's funeral also seemed like it might not happen with the government closed. Fortunately it did happen, even though the burial did not. Once again, I fail to give you the proper details..it was at Arlington National Cemetery. Anyway, with the reception cancelled we went to my aunt's house instead and we able to mingle there. Luke and I got to retell the story of our meeting right there in that house, courtesy of my uncle. I am so thankful I was able to be there to attend the funeral and be with my aunt and cousins.

Luke and I got home without a snag and were off on the Santa train the next day. We day that every year. A good family friend is the Bard on the train (Cog Railway up Pikes Peak) and so we love going and singing along with him and his wife (who didn't get to join us at the last minute this year...) The weather was great and we had a lot of fun. Unfortunately I had awoken that morning with a terrible cold though. It had me sneezing repeatedly every few minutes!

The next day was Christmas Eve. In between the ballet, the travel and the Santa train I had not yet been able to do Christmas candy making and baking I wanted to do. So between than and my horrible cold I decided I could not sing at church. I had also missed all the rehearsals anyway. It was good to just be at home doing all those things and hanging out with the girls. We had appetizers and cocktails around the tree for dinner (a family tradition from my growing up that we rarely do) and then gather in a big family lump on the floor by the fire in the family room and watched Christmas Eve services on the internet. We even lit our own candles and sung along with the hymns. It was a really nice thing to do.

Christmas morning was lovely. The girls were both terribly excited about their stockings and gifts. I made a noon-time meal and we all enjoyed our gifts.

We spent the next few days awaiting my in-laws who were driving out but had to deal with snow in Kansas and ended up arriving Sunday afternoon. We had a few great days with them until they left this morning. Luke, Anna (his sister), and I all got to go see Avatar on the IMAX in 3D last night Wed. night. That was fabulous!

I capped off the last day by spending many hours this morning at a Noon Year's Eve event. I seem to somehow have failed to blog about this yet and I really need to, but I am on the board of a group of women trying to bring a Children's Museum to Colorado Springs. We put on a concert and countdown to noon today at the Fine Arts Center. It was crazy! We had a huge turnout and it went really well.

So there - just some of the stuff I should have been blogging all along this month. Not one sentence about my feelings in this one...just the facts. Hopefully more blogging to come. I started this blog three years ago this month...crazy!