As you well know I have stopped blogging - for many reasons. For a long time blogging was so helpful to me. Then for a long time blogging felt unsafe. After that, maybe I wasn't sure what to say. Now I am feeling like I can start to form the words to describe my feelings again and I don't worry about how they will be taken or who will read them. So - we'll see..I'm going to try.
The thing about 9 years is that the pain is not so sharp as it once was. I'm still in pain and I still tear up almost daily but it does not drag me underwater and threaten to drown me the way it used to. I am acutely aware of what milestones we should be going through with Nathan. With Julia starting high school I wish more than anything she had her junior brother showing her the ropes...and driving her around. It sucks...to put it mildly.
But I am used to my life without Nathan so at least there is that. I'm familiar with it and it is my normal. Doesn't mean I like it but the loss doesn't permeate everything just some things and that makes life a little easier.
My family is really strong. I mean - I am amazed by that. We all went through our own and shared hell but here we are. Luke and I swore to each other on that diagnosis night, as we sat on the cold hard hospital floor not sleeping, that this would not destroy our marriage. I don't know how we knew to pledge this to each other but we did. Our marriage is strong. We are each other's best friend. We have born the same loss in different ways and we have grieved mostly in solitude, which is likely because of me. We have given grace to each other. We have grown stronger in our faith.
Our daughters are wonderful people. They are loving, smart, kind and they have a perspective many children do not; especially Julia. We all help each other in this house. We are a team. These girls are responsible and empathetic. I grew up not really seeing other people's emotions - especially not my parents. I didn't see my mother's weaknesses. These kids have seen that their parents are people too and that has made them better people. With my surgery that only increased. Who knew that being vulnerable and asking for help and being appreciative of that help could be good parenting...but somehow it has been.
I have more to say and I really, really intend to do so again soon. Don't hold your breath but I think I will keep writing for a while.
