I used to post about choir rehearsal. This past week we sung the so many good songs...I love it when they line up like that.
I thought I'd share one of them.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Thursday, September 01, 2016
September..again
I've always like the month of September. I was born in September. I got married in September. I love September weather.
One thing I currently don't love about September is that it is childhood cancer awareness month. That in itself is a good thing. I applaud all the awareness. I applaud friends and family who participate. I admire fellow childhood cancer moms who post something everyday. I marvel at fellow angel moms who post heart-wrenching photos and memories during September.
I am weary though. Everyday is childhood cancer awareness month for me. September means more constant reminders of it. It means when I am just benignly checking Facebook I see an image that hits too close to home. Last September Humans of New York did a month-long awareness campaign and highly successful fundraiser for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Just fabulous. Really hard for me. They showed images of Nathan's surgeon and interviewed him. They showed images from the outpatient floor. In one image you could see a hallway. I knew that hallway. That image of the hallway had a few strollers parked outside the curtains. Yes - I remember that. Sitting in that room behind the curtain watching some Sponge-Bob waiting for antibodies to begin. You'd get called into that room and hours would go by as you waited. Then the premeds, then the antibody. Then the dilauded and the pain. The screaming pain. Trying to do anything you could to help ease the pain. Hands on certain body parts..but then you couldn't move one muscle from that spot...bent over..in pain yourself. It's clear to me the pain medicine might have taken just a slight edge off but he had to meditate to deal...and once he was in that state no noises, movements or lights could occur. This - repeated behind many curtains. Toddlers screaming in pain. Then go home...drugged...and come back the next day to do it all again.
So - seeing that hallway brought all that back. It's a hard memory to live with. When you see your child in extraordinary pain over and over and over again and then they die a painful death...well...you can't let yourself think of it too often and still live your life.
So - September is hard. I hope those who are stronger than me or have an alive cancer kid can keep on posting. I just might not be on Facebook a whole lot this month.
One thing I currently don't love about September is that it is childhood cancer awareness month. That in itself is a good thing. I applaud all the awareness. I applaud friends and family who participate. I admire fellow childhood cancer moms who post something everyday. I marvel at fellow angel moms who post heart-wrenching photos and memories during September.
I am weary though. Everyday is childhood cancer awareness month for me. September means more constant reminders of it. It means when I am just benignly checking Facebook I see an image that hits too close to home. Last September Humans of New York did a month-long awareness campaign and highly successful fundraiser for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Just fabulous. Really hard for me. They showed images of Nathan's surgeon and interviewed him. They showed images from the outpatient floor. In one image you could see a hallway. I knew that hallway. That image of the hallway had a few strollers parked outside the curtains. Yes - I remember that. Sitting in that room behind the curtain watching some Sponge-Bob waiting for antibodies to begin. You'd get called into that room and hours would go by as you waited. Then the premeds, then the antibody. Then the dilauded and the pain. The screaming pain. Trying to do anything you could to help ease the pain. Hands on certain body parts..but then you couldn't move one muscle from that spot...bent over..in pain yourself. It's clear to me the pain medicine might have taken just a slight edge off but he had to meditate to deal...and once he was in that state no noises, movements or lights could occur. This - repeated behind many curtains. Toddlers screaming in pain. Then go home...drugged...and come back the next day to do it all again.
So - seeing that hallway brought all that back. It's a hard memory to live with. When you see your child in extraordinary pain over and over and over again and then they die a painful death...well...you can't let yourself think of it too often and still live your life.
So - September is hard. I hope those who are stronger than me or have an alive cancer kid can keep on posting. I just might not be on Facebook a whole lot this month.
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