Boulder Creek Trail

We had a great hike this morning at the Florissant Fossil Beds.  We had been there last year and took the walk with the petrified tree stumps but we came back to go on a longer hike.  The weather was gorgeous!  70's and sunny and almost no one else there.  In fact we didn't see anyone until the last half mile.  We left around 8:15 (and stopped at the Donut Mill on the way) and got there at 9:30.

I'll let the pictures do the talking.

PTSD

Pat Lacey - dad of the extraordinary Will Lacey recently posted about a presentation of PTSD in parents of cancer kids.  I remember being in the middle of treatment with Nathan and attending the conference in 2004 ( I think?) and hearing a similar presentation.

Today I had a moment like that and it came out of the blue.  Lauren and I walked to the supermarket.  When we entered the door a woman came in as well with a IV still placed on her arm and some of that flexible bandage stuff wrapped around her arm (I can't believe I have forgotten what that is called! or at least what they called it at Sloan Kettering).  I only caught her out of the corner of my eye and I had a physical reaction where my stomach dropped and I caught my breath for a minute and I felt a "zing" in my brain.  Then, I realized what had made that happen.  It was really odd and out-of-body-ish.  I surely have seen such things in the last few years but this one really caught me off guard.  Strange the way the mind works.  I am sure I have suppressed a hell of a lot of emotions and memories.  Four and a half years of hellacious medical procedures witnessed and a painful death are sure to do that to someone.  I hope they stay out of my consciousness as much as possible.

p.s. this is my third post of the day so you might want to scroll down if you are not using a feed reader.

Holding Hands

Now that Lauren is going to the same preschool as Nathan and Julia it is bringing up a lot of memories.

From where I park I cut through a field to the portables outside the school.  There is a well-worn unofficial path there.  Yesterday as I was holding Lauren's hand walking down this path I could clearly remember doing the same with the other two.  It was very sweet.

Here is a picture taken on my cell phone of Nathan and Julia holding hands on the path after picking her up from preschool.

Nathan still held my hand as a 6/7 year old.  We'd get out of the van at the clinic and I'd take his hand as we walked to the door.  He and I went a lot of places together, just the two of us and even though the circumstances were not always the best I feel lucky I had that time with him.

Oh my gosh - for extra cuteness I just realized that Julia is wearing Nathan's coat.  She must not have had hers and he gave it to her.

Technical issues

Over the years I have had people tell me they have trouble with my site.  I figured out one of the problems for commenting.  If you are using internet explorer you may not see the word verification words and if you just type in your comments and click "preview" you will then see the words and can post from there.

Other problems such as freezing and multiple windows opening are things I cannot replicate on any of my computers but if you have any of those problems and have any insight, let me know.  I tried to change one of my gadgets to see if that will help.

Bedroom Makeovers

I think I mentioned before that I have been redoing the girls rooms.  A good makeover post would have before and afters but I am not a good blogger - so there you go.  I do have a before of Lauren's and will see if there are any pictures of Julia's taken for another reason.

Lauren - yellow walls... before and a complete mess!:

After: green walls plus one purple

Julia: before - long ago but was blue with that bed set:

After: with lavender walls:

Both girls are very happy with the new setups.  Now to keep those rooms clean!

Back to School Retrospective

It's back to school time.  With Lauren being in the same preschool class as Nathan and Julia (with all the same teachers!) it was making me nostalgic.

Nathan, first day of 4 year old preschool

Here you see a picture of Julia on her first day of 4 year old preschool...

...or not.  Yes, I have just learned that due to the general havoc of August 2006 no such picture was taken.  I just went to the caringbridge site and this was the entry from that day 

Today started out a little rough. I had to wake Nathan up at 8:00 for his tutor who was coming at 9:00. He threw a big fit and was so mad about having school at home. Mostly - I think the problem was that I had woken him up. 

He did really well with the tutor and afterwards told me how much fun he had.

Nathan's white count is up to .5 but he still has 0 immunity. He needs red blood and platelets tomorrow. His clinic has stopped giving red blood transfusions in the clinic (because of $$$$) and so we have to go to the hospital to get it. That stinks because of how long it takes. We are going in at 9:00 and, on hospital time - I am guessing he will be done around 4:30 ot 5:00. 

Nathan will miss his tutoring for tomorrow but is set up for Wednesday and Thursday. Tomorrow they have back to school night at his school at 6:00. I am hoping to make it home in time.

Nathan got another case of hives late this afternoon. It is still a bit of a mystery why he is getting them. I think the medicine made him sleepy so he went right to bed after dinner. He also has an infected sore on his leg. They think it is either staph or strep. He has been started on an additional antibiotic to fight that. It is a little scary to think he has this infection on his skin - I hope it doesn't get into his bloodstream.

We are really hoping tosee some signs of immunity soon. Once he shows some signs we will start planning our trip to NY and some tests here as well. He has been having some hip pain so I am a little concerned about that. 

So - that's the scoop - I am hoping for some days off of anything eventful to write about soon.

And what I wrote about it a few days later

Julia started preschool on Monday and seems to be enjoying it. She has the same teachers and classroom and many of the same children as last year and so it is an easy transition for her. She goes four afternoons a week. She is so funny. At dinner we were talking about friends who adopted a baby from China. Julia said that it was a very long way to China and it must take a really long time to drive there! Nathan chimed in that he bet they had to change planes alot to get to China. Guess you can tell who is our very literal traveler!

So - here is her school photo from September that year.

Julia 4 year old preschool - Fall 2006

OK - now to Lauren on her first day in that class

Lauren - first day of 4 year old preschool

one more, after, where you can see her better

I do have Julia's picture from her first day of 3 year old preschool...

Julia - 2005 - first day of 3 year old preschool

OK - so now I am just going to post some more back to school pics - they haven't had the same first day ever so there are different pictures:

Julia - fist day of third grade

Julia and Lauren first day 2010

Lauren and Julia - first day 2009

Lauren - first day of preschool 2009

Julia (first day of 1st grade) and Lauren 2008

Nathan - first day of 1st grade - 2006

Julia - first day of kindergarten - 2007

Nathan - first day of Kindergarten - 2005

Weak

I was glad to be back at church and at choir today.  If you recall, two weeks ago I had Luke take the girls so I could be alone at home and brace myself for the upcoming week.  Then, last week, with Luke leaving again we "attended" church in our pajamas on the couch with the livestream though the mac mini on the big TV.  We'd been out of town the last few also.

Here comes the however to being glad to be back.  I only sang the first service because:

1. Surprise hymn from Nathan's funeral
2.  Sermon that started out with a dead kid story
3.  One of points of sermon is that people look at those who suffer to bear witness/figure out how that withstand their suffering and still keep the faith.
4. Ends with the end of dead kid story and how the 2 year old brother saw dead brother ascend to heaven with Jesus singing "Jesus Loves Me"

After all that - I didn't think I could go back up there and do another service.  I think I have mentioned before that the online streaming does some extreme close-ups so I pretty much need to hold it together.

So - I failed at the bearing witness part by being to weak to go back up there, but oh well!

Luke and I got coffee and a bagel and discussed some things that needed to be discussed.  Hopefully next week will be better.

Family Room

Sometime in 1996 or 1997 after Luke and I moved in together, we decided we needed some real furniture.

After college I moved to DC and lived with my aunt and uncle a few months until I got a job and a place.  I rented a room in a townhouse and there was a loveseat for me to use.  Luke moved to DC a year later and when I met him he had those green plastic outside chairs for seating inside his apartment.  Later an old recliner made its way there.

So - we when combined households neither of us had a couch.  I think Luke also had a papasan.  So one of  us could sit in the papasan and the other in the recliner.  I went off one night and found a red couch and loveseat at a going out of business sale and they were comfy and I bought them.  Luke still remembers me calling him and telling him they were red (he was dubious).

I paid someone to haul them to our apartment and they have served us well ever since.

our first Christmas

(see couches in the sides)

Right when we moved into our house in Colorado

Once we got our dog, Ellie, we discovered that not only did her hair show up pretty badly on the couches, it actually would entwine itself into the fabric and it involved hours with a vacuum to get just some of the hair off.  So we started using a sheet over them and then moved one loveseat out of there and have had a series of slipcovers over the years.  Recently we finally declared the family-room an no-toy storage room and moved the toy box out and the loveseat back in and I bought new slipcovers in order to have two matching covers.  These were even uglier slipcovers (on clearance) because the couch was beginning to squeak and there were some springs sticking out the back and I knew their time was short.

Grandma Kathy with Nathan
(and red sheet )

with tan slipcover
 (and Nathan wearing
Daddy's shoes)

Nathan on brown suede slipcover

All this to say - we finally replaced those couches!  Well, and you know how it goes, I knew the nice new couches would make the ugly computer desk look even uglier so I replaced that too.  I felt the same about the ugly side table but covered it instead of replacing it.

I should warn you that I can not decorate so don't expect to be impressed.  I am just thrilled it looks so much neater and modern in here!  My last project is to paint the fireplace black.  I have some special paint to do it with.  It may fail but it can't actually look worse than the worn out brass so it is worth a shot.  I'll let you know how it goes.

cream slipcovers right before we got new couches

Lauren and Julia at ugly desk
(can't see how ugly it is here)

New couches and desk

another view

and a last view (plus the hairy dog whose hair 

now brushes right off the new couches!)

Ice Cream Truck

As part of bedroom redo for the girls and also family room makeover (will post on that later when I am finally done) I needed to swap out some plastic drawers in the basement with a different set so Julia could have the basement set.  In these drawers were a bunch of cars and trucks.  I went through them and then through the two other large containers of cars and trucks we have.  Lauren helped me and had fun playing with them which made it easier.  I didn't get rid of any, just redistributed them.  These were all Nathan's, of course.  He LOVED cars and trucks and given that he was "sick" for 4.5 of his 7 years he was given a whole lot of them.    He particularly loved them from about age 2-6.  So, yesterday I was on a quest to find a specific truck; the ice cream truck.

He was diagnosed in April  2003 at 2 years, 9 months.  He and I spent most of the days that summer in the clinic either receiving chemo or blood transfusions.  These were all day events.  It was up to me to keep a 2 / 3 year old happy for 7 hours in a small room.  So, we spent most of these hours on the floor with his cars and trucks.  At this young age he wanted to interact with the vehicles.   Ice Cream Truck would drive around asking all the other vehicles what kind of ice cream they wanted and serving them.  I have such clear memories of playing with the Ice Cream Truck with him and can almost hear his little voice playing.  It is a bittersweet memory but these kinds of memories are becoming more sweet than bitter.  It sucks that these clinic visits were such a part of his life, but on the other hand, they were part of his life experience and remembering him, particularly at that age, means remembering these days.

I found Ice Cream Truck and it now sits on my desk.

Egg Cups

Growing up for many years our Sunday morning breakfast's centerpiece was a boiled egg served in an egg cup.  I suspect this started when we were living in England for a year, but I will have to ask them.  At some point we stopped tis tradition and I hadn't had an egg that way in 25 years or so.

Recently, when shopping in Manitou Springs with my in-laws, I ran across some egg cups and, more importantly, the egg cutter!  I purchased them and put them in the cabinet and forgot about them for a month or two but I finally got them out the other day.

Luke was wondering what the point was but I think he agreed with me after eating his that you get the optimal ratio of white to yolk eating them this way.  It is funny as a parent to realize the things that mattered to you as a kid.  I'm guessing a great majority of these things are just normal at the time and only by repeating them you end up creating a childhood memory of something you never intended.

So - a few pictures...one very blurry one...sorry.

Night Terrors

I am sure I have written here several times about my night terrors.  They have become more cyclical in the last year which helps me to endure them.  The current run of them is really beating me up.  This current batch is lasting for HOURS and involves mice/rats in my bedroom.  I am repeatedly jumping out of bed, turning on the lights, putting on my glasses, generally running around my room.  Last night I jumped off the end of my bed over the footboard.  I am really glad my room is fairly clean right now because I could have landed on something pretty hard.

I am not terribly rested this morning and really need to continue on the current project of painting and moving furniture and books around the girls rooms/family room.  More on that later.

Sloth

What I have done today:

Woke up at 5:30 not feeling too well.  Since there was a little daylight and chirping birds I was up for the day.

Commenced sneezing and snuffling and rubbing my eyes for the next 9 hours or so.  I think I am allergic to Pueblo West.

Laid down with my computer.

Cooked some frozen sausage.

Tried to use my computer and dozed off for a few minutes.

Showered!

Took Lauren to her violin lesson.

Ate lunch.

Laid down with my computer and slept for a little while more only interrupted by children a million times.

Emptied the dishwasher.

Made coffee.

Sitting UPRIGHT at my computer desk.

Some notes:

I don't nap unless there is something wrong with me.  In this case I guess is is the severe allergies today.  Not that I am against naps I just can't usually.

Left to do today:

put dirty dishes in the dishwasher

think of something to feed the poor girls (with Luke being gone so much I really need to get over my cooking only for me and the kids depression and actually cook for them but I am not sure I even have anything to cook in the house)

Put kids to bed

Watch Bachelor Pad because that would just top off the worthlessness of my day perfectly.

Talk on the phone to Luke or perhaps be on the phone with him in silence if we are both too tired to really talk but attempt to anyway.

Here goes

OK - so I am blogging today in the spirit of just blogging and airing my dirty laundry (well, not really but you'll see)

I am home alone this Sunday morning. I sent Luke and the girls to church without me.

Luke has been traveling all summer for work. Since May he has been gone most weeks or has been with us at our parents houses but not home. He is in the middle of a three week stretch right now. He drove home from Illinois with us last Saturday and left Monday morning. So, the girls were in their usual post-grandparent/vacation emotional down state and daddy-is-gone was added on top of it. Luke got home on Thursday night with a bad cough, tired and just not feeling well. He is leaving again after church. Yesterday I lost it for a few minutes and told him I needed him to take the girls to church without me so I could have some alone time or else I might not survive this upcoming week.

A quick side-note to how our weekend has been. Back and forth with 2 sellers of beds for Julia with the end result of the sale falling through and a very disappointed Julia. Also made all the effort to go to the pool yesterday and arrived with it closed for a "code brown" (I heard it described that way). Use your imagination. Luckily the indoor pool was open but, still..

So - I am home and need to do some baking. I am off to a BBQ in Pueblo west for a friend who is swinging through town on a "trip of a lifetime" for her daughter who is terminally ill with BAtten's Disease. I wrote about her here.  Later I will have our usually Sunday night dinner with two other families, minus Luke :(

blogging

I have been neglecting the blog for quite some time. I am trying to decide if I should ramp it up and if I can even keep it up if I do. It is hard to know where the line is drawn between interesting tidbits of my day and boring recounts about boring things that a stay-at-home mom does. So..we'll see.

July 2010 Pictures