September 2012 Pictures

Seems I forgot to post these!

A good number of these pictures were taken by my in-laws and their friends while we were away on our trip to Europe.  Those pictures and a trip summary will be coming soon, I hope.

(slideshow below)

Dream Oct 24

As you know - I like to record my dreams of Nathan here - for myself really - so ignore if you like.

We were at an indoor swimming pool.  This was a bald 6 year old Nathan.  Someone else was throwing him into the water but I could tell they were being a little too rough with him.  I knew he was in a little bit of pain.  I got into the water with him instead. He had a nice smile on his face as I got in with him.  Then the dream ended.

As usual, nice to "see" Nathan.

Long time no post

I see I didn't post at all in the month of September.  Expect to see some catch up posts very soon.

School started in August and all the activities commenced in September.  Lauren added gymnastics to her slate and so far she really likes it.  It is challenging and I think it will help her build some strength.  She is still doing children's choir at church and violin.  She's had a breakthrough in violin precipitated by a change in her practice schedule and she is really enjoying and progressing with the violin.  She loves first grade though she is not challenged by the work they are doing.  She is reading at a fourth grade level and so is just bringing her own books to read.  I have a conference next week and hope to find out what, if any, enrichment is available to her.

Julia is in fifth grade and seems to be thriving.  She has made big leaps in math, which used to be a sore subject and is continuing to be pulled out for english and is getting to do some fun, challenging things there.  I will meet with her classroom teacher and talented and gifted teacher next week to see what kind of goals she should set this year.  Organization is always one of them!  She was asked to represent her school in the district honors choir and the district leadership training conference.  She doesn't see herself as a leader though she is a natural leader and I hope this training can open her eyes to that.  She is also doing church choir, 5th grade choir, conflict mediation, musical theater and cello.  She has been working very hard in cello and is making great strides.  She loves it and is learning so much.

I spent the first month of school getting caught up from the summer, outfitting the kids and getting ready for our trip to Europe.  I have taken on fewer things so far this year.  I am still doing some accounting and also volunteering for the Children's Museum we are trying to build here in town.  

Luke's work has been crazy busy for the last many months.  He is trying to slow down just a bit now that we are home from our vacation.  He and I are still volunteering with the Kindergarten Choir - which is always both fun and challenging.  I am still doing choir but have cut down on a few church things.  We are still evaluating the direction our church and new pastor are headed and where we fit in. Meanwhile Julia is in the youth group now and absolutely loves it.

Yes, Nathan would be in 7th grade.  It is hard to even think about that so that is all I am going to say about that right now.

So - August, September and vacation photos to come soon.

July 2012 Pictures

We had a fun July!  The highlight was having Brady visit us and then the girls go off with Brady and her parents for the weekend while Luke and I had that Perfect 1/2 weekend away.

Recital

Last night Julia had a summer recital outside at her teacher's house. She and Lauren also played a duet. As in many recitals..flawless practices resulted in some goofs during the performance but they both did a great job and kept their composure!

 

How Great

So - I haven't really been able to listen to "How Great Thou Art" since it was sung at Nathan's funeral and Julia sobbed through it. I have had to grit my teeth and get through singing it as a hymn in choir many times since then, and it was difficult being up in front of people and trying to look unaffected. Recently, it was sung on the show "Duets" and the contestant's story about his brother (in the video as well), along with the best version I have heard has allowed me to move on, I think, except when probably sung at a funeral again. I try not to post videos on my blogs, because I rarely am willing to view them when other post them on blogs or face books - but here goes - no problem if you are like me and don't want to spend the time viewing!

Perfect 1/2 weekend away

On a lighter note from the last post... Last week we got to host Brady, the 15 year old daughter of Julia's former babysitter, Tammy (who is a lot more to her than that) for a few days. We had fun doing some touristy stuff and the girls also did a lot of card playing and hanging out. On Friday afternoon, Brady and the girls went off with Tammy and Larry to spend some time with them. Luke and I headed up US24 and stopped at Bierwerks, in Woodland park for a beer outside on the patio. After that we continued on to Buena Vista and found a microbrewery ands at at the bar for dinner. Then, we checked into our hotel, got on swimsuits and headed to Cottonwood Hot Springs. It was a very relaxed, small hot springs on the way to Cottonwood Pass. There were 5 pools of varying temperatures. They were built as naturally as possible, with stone edges and shelves and ledges here and there to relax and perch on. Some of the pools were quite deep, up to my shoulders. It had been raining before we went but the sky cleared and there were very few lights and it was wonderfully relaxing. The manager even came out at one point to hush a group of people who were talking and laughing quite loudly. There is a no alcohol rule as well and a "be calm" rule. We stayed there for about 2 hours until 10:00 and went back to the hotel to sleep. We got up in the morning and headed back up the pass to a hike I had researched online. It was a fabulous hike. It started from an unmarked trailhead and hiked up to almost tree line, through a dense woods, then a field with lots of wildflowers, a stream running through the tall grasses and a small quiet lake. It descended up after that and became a bit more rocky with several small stream crossings. It ended up a steep hill with a beautiful emerald lake before us. Luke sat by the shores and I climbed up a steep hill behind where I had almost 360 degree views. We could see several peaks, the furthest which was our own Pikes Peak at home.

We didn't stay very long and headed back down to the car. We drove into Salida and passed a local market. We parked and picked some food out of the case, all from local ingredients, and had a lovely small lunch on the patio. After that we went to a nearby storefront and waited to go zip-lining. After signing some ridiculous rights away we went off in a van with 8 other people to the course. The zip lines were over a small canyon. We did a practice line and then gradually longer/faster lines, for a total of 6 or so. It was a really fun thing to do - and a bit challenging as you controlled your own braking and steering with your left hand on the cable. It was a lot of fun. After that we drove on US50 to Canon City. There is a winery we really like there and we went to the tasting room, tasted, and bought some wine. We headed to an old-school italian restaurant for dinner and then headed home. We slept in on Sunday morning. I slept in until 8:30 which is absolutely unheard of for me...very nice. The girls were returned to us around 10:00 after having had a wonderful time themselves. All in all, a fabulous weekend.

Letting everybody down

I am just going to put this out there because surely someone out felt this way at some point. Large disclaimer...it is Late July, a bad time emotionally for me, so if I sound depressed or something, I probably am a little. At any moment I could make a list of at least 10 ways how I am letting the various people in my life down. Feeling guilty about those things on my list is my most common emotion and motivator. Here is today's list 1. Have no dinner planned for kids (it is 6:00pm) as Luke is out of town and we have not gone to the store 2. My bedroom is a mess I actually cleaned the bedroom today...so one thing at least but it has been bothering me for a week or two so I had to put it on there 3. The day is not over, but I have not had either of my children practice their musical instruments today. Lauren hasn't practiced for a week. Her attitude has been bad lately and I am not emotionally fit to have that fight with her. So - guilt going to to her teacher right now. In fact, musical instrument practice, with Lauren especially since I am an active part with her, is a good daily chore that if I don't get done I feel guilty about - so that is on my list a lot. 4. Did not leave the house today. Kids not "entertained". Thankfully they have been outside for a few hours playing now so the guilt is easing up. Since Luke is out of town I let them get a bunch of toys out of the basement and play down there (which is usually his office and not available to them on a daily basis). So they have not minded too much, but the guilt is creeping in that I had better take them to do something fun tomorrow. 5. The dog...actually fed (not that she would eat breakfast) and medicined relatively on time today, is old and falling apart and has some maladies we perhaps should address. She has been the the vet within the last week with a festering wound. There is another cropping up and also nasty gunk in her eye, that Luke would wipe off if he were here but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel bad for her. 6. Been unable to find things to tell Luke when he calls me at night, mostly because I am doing nothing of interest. I should try harder though - he is gone and working all day at the client site - he surely has nothing to tell me. Instead he lets me off the phone to watch something on TV. It's all good between us, but I feel like I could do a better job cheering him up than I am able right now. 7. The kids really want to go to Illinois to see their grandparents and I am not sure if I can make that happen. It is looking more likely (Mike and Kathy - I will talk to you about it this weekend) but Luke has been traveling and working so much that it is difficult to time. He was able to spend a few days with us in Hilton Head only because he flew in and out for a weekend, spent the week at the client-site, and flew back and and them home with us. Unfortunately, his parents can not get good internet out in the country and so it is not an option for Luke to work there, making it difficult for him to go there when he needs to be working. I can go without him, and have in the past, but looking at driving there and back alone both ways for the 15 hours is daunting. As I said before, I am not in the best state of mind and it could be bad for both me and the girls if we are stuck in a van together without Luke going all that way. Flying costs an arm and a leg. Things are looking up though, it seems possible Luke could take a few days off - we'll see. 8. There are some job/volunteering tasks I have been putting off that I really need to do. Maybe tomorrow. 9. There is a huge mess I really should clean. We had a big rainfall and the neighbor behind us had failed to clean out the important gutter in their yard. So all the rain water washed down our backyard and swept a large amount of mulch all the way into our side yard stopped only by the gate even with the front of our house. It must now all be shoveled in a wheelbarrow and hauled back up into the upper yard in the back. I really should have done it by now. 10. yeah well, you know I couldn't save my kid from dying of cancer, and furthermore, unlike what (seems to be) every other parent this has happened to, have not started a foundation, or even held some kind of fundraising event. This really does put me in a minority. Seriously. I just don't have it in me. I just don't. I feel guilty and I feel judged. There - you have a list. Truthfully I feel better after writing it because it isn't as bad as I imagined it would be. It is not 6:20 and the kids are not fed, but they are still playing outside happily.

May 2012 photos

June is almost over..so I had better post May pictures! May was a pretty laid back month. Most of the year-end hoopla happened in April this year. Luke travelled a lot in May. Lauren had a kindergarten program. I was invited to the school honors assembly as a parent whose child was getting an award. Julia and a 5th grader broke a school record for reading points. Julia was also recognized for her team that went to state for an after school activity she was in. All the kids who got a certain large number of pride points for behavior were in a drawing for some prizes and Lauren was called up. I was so proud of both my girls for excelling at school! Memorial Day weekend we were blessed by a visit from my beloved Lisa and her family on their way to Illinois. We had a wonderful time and kids had a blast together.

VBS

Lauren is attending Vacation Bible School this week while Julia is away at church camp.   The theme is Trust God - God can do anything.  So at the end of day one they asked kids for "God moments" and someone said God healed their friend from cancer.  Today Lauren brought it up and called it a miracle - apparently they talked about it some more today.  Ugh - I explained that not everyone dies from cancer and it is not a miracle when someone lives.  I explained about science and

Sweet girls

On Mother's Day

I have written about Mother's Day many times...here I go again.

This year I keep coming across other bereaved moms expressing how I feel - and I can't tell you what a comfort that is to me.  The bittersweet, the empty arms, the missing child in the photo, the desire to avoid church and all its hoopla that day.

I recently found a group of bereaved moms here in town.  That has been a huge blessing because I just need to be in their company from time to time - to be with other moms who understand.  We are having a mother's day brunch on Saturday.  At that table we will be completely comfortable with our shared discomfort with Mother's Day.  What a relief!

Kudos to Luke who is coming home from a week of travel late tonight and leaving again on a red-eye Sunday night for being more than willing to run the girls around to and fro so I can attend.

Kitchen Done!

The kitchen has been done for a week or two.  It is so nice to have it finished and the extra bonus was that we were waiting on wood floors in the family room until we re-did our kitchen and so we are enjoying those very much.  We now have wood throughout the lower level and love the flow it gives the house.

BEFORE


















AFTER

April 2012 Pictures

April was a busy, busy month.  It started out with a very busy Holy Week for me and then many activities for the girls.  Luke's parents came out for a visit to watch some of these various performances:

Church spring children's concert (both girls, I directed kindergarteners and Luke wrangled the kindergarteners)

Julia Destination Imagination state finals

Lauren violin recital

Julia musical theater production

Lauren track meets (her first time running and she really loves it)

Julia fourth grade choir singing National Anthem and minor league baseball game

Julia fourth grade choir performance at the school

Lauren violin book one graduation party

So - below is a slideshow of many of these things and more (some hiking and enjoying the grandparents too!)

(a note - I have posted some other entries in the last day or two - so keep scrolling)

Kitchen - Finally done!

It took about 9 weeks to put the final details on it. It is done and we love it! There may yet need to be some accessorizing.

Before

After

March 2012 photos

Looks like I am behind in posting photos.  March was another kind of slow month dominated by kitchen renovations.  We did go on a fun hike in March - so that is the majority of pictures.

I will post April in a bit - April had a million things going on so many more pictures there!

(rss: slideshow below)

Day to day with grief

I am sitting in the car waiting...by a house that has been stucco'd.  So I think back to when my house was stucco'd and I remember how it was being done as Nathan was dying.  I remember when it was all finished we took him outside, on a very sunny day, to see it, because he was housebound at the time  He couldn't walk anymore and so had to be carried and the act of being carried hurt him and the sun was too bright.  I tear up thinking of it all as Julia walks towards the car and smiles and me.  Thankfully I am wearing sunglasses so I do my best to smile back.

So - that is how it goes...just about any normal mundane thing in life can remind me of pain and suffering and death. It is just part of my life now.

Kitchen...almost done

I cleared out the kitchen Feb. 20.

We got a sink March 15 and a range March 19.  So - we had two weeks of a functional kitchen.  We are getting floors this week.

Next week we will move stuff back in and all the trim, the valance and window sill will go in.   I am also having them fix and seal the grout in the backsplash because we used a grout product that shouldn't have needed to be sealed, but alas, clearly does so we need to fix that.

Singing

Yes - I am going to write a post - that is not pictures...but one of my other main subjects; singing.  (The other two I would say are grief and my kids.

As usual this time of year I am immersed in singing.  The pressure is high this year though, because despite the availability of a local auditioned Chorale that sings with our Symphony, they asked our church choir to perform in a special Good Friday concert.  We book the performing arts center every year for a full orchestra Christmas concert and it sells very well so I guess they thought it would be a built in crowd.  Also, we can sing with an orchestra - no problem.  The scary thing is the Philharmonic has a new conductor, who is Spanish and somewhat of a phenomena.  And again...we are just a non-auditioned church choir.  On Saturday the maestro came to our rehearsal and it was intense.  According to our director it went very well, but it was hard to evaluate.  He told us (in his spanish accent) that he loves choirs....but not very much.  He thought we might frighten the audience with our  breathing before we come in.  Since he is not a choir director, he treats us like any other instrument, which means we don't get a whole lot in the way of entrances or cut-offs.  Kinda scary.   However, we have been preparing the heck out of this music.  We have had extra section rehearsals for 6 weeks.  We had 3 rehearsals (plus Sunday services) last week.  We have rehearsals or church every day except for Tues. this week.  We have dress rehearsals with the orchestra on Wed and Thurs and the concert is Fri.  No time to rest because we go home and sleep and come back to rehearse for Easter Sat. morning then sing 4 services on Easter Sunday.

It is tiring, but awesome at the same time.  I sung with symphonies as a child in children's choir but not as an adult.  So that is an awesome opportunity.  Easter services are always the most uplifting fun services.  this year Lent has been very, very dark and so Easter Sunday is very upbeat, with several Gospel songs (that we all already know, thank goodness).

I still remember coming home from my first choir rehearsal in 2004, in the midst of Nathan's battle, traveling to NY, and 4 and 2 year old and Luke told me he couldn't remember when he had seen me so happy.  It is a HUGE blessing to me to be part of such a wonderful musical and worshiping committee.

One other thing..I hesitate to write because...well you'll see why...I am told quite often (in fact just yesterday) that people love to watch me sing.  At first I was flattered, then it turned into feeling like I had better live up to their expectations, to being kind of paranoid when it was at its peak of people coming up to me and wondering was I actually making a fool of myself up there in the choir loft, to being at peace with it again, because I am not putting on a show, nor trying to do anything in particular.  I just love to sing and worship and I guess it shows.

One of these things is not like the other

One of these things is not like the other...

I am biased but it seems plain to me that one of these is out of place in regards to the nature of being a follower of Jesus


E. Living in obedience to the Word of God

Progress in holiness is an expected response of gratitude to the grace of God, which is initiated, sustained, and fulfilled by the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. The first re- sponse of gratitude is prayer, and the daily discipline of prayer – both individually and together – should mark the Christian life. The life of prayer includes praise to God for His nature and works, sincere confession of our sin, and intercession for the needs of those we know and for the needs of the world.
As we practice the discipline of regular self-examination and confession, we are especially guided by the Ten Com- mandments. We therefore hold one another accountable to:
1. worship God alone, living all of life to His glory, renouncing all idolatry and all inordinate loves that might lead us to trust in any other help;
2. worship God in humility, being reticent in either describing or picturing God, recognizing that right worship is best supported not by our own innovative practices but through the living preaching of the Word and the faithful administration of the Sacraments;

3. eliminate from both speech and thought any blasphemy, irreverence, or impurity;
4. observe the Sabbath as a day of worship and rest, being faithful in gathering with the people of God;
5. give honor toward those set in authority over us and practice mutual submission within the commu- nity of the church;
6. eradicate a spirit of anger, resentment, callousness, violence, or bitterness, and instead cultivate a spirit of gentleness, kindness, peace, and love; recognize and honor the image of God in every human being from conception to natural death.
7. maintain chastity in thought and deed, being faithful within the covenant of marriage between
a man and a woman as established by God at the creation or embracing a celibate life as established by Jesus in the new covenant;
8. practice right stewardship of the goods we have been given, showing charity to those in need and offering generous support of the Church and its ministries;
9. pursue truth, even when such pursuit is costly, and defend truth when it is challenged, recognizing that truth is in order to goodness and that its preservation matters;
10. resist the pull of envy, greed, and acquisition, and instead cultivate a spirit of contentment with the gifts God has given us.
In Jesus Christ we see the perfect expression of God’s holy will for human beings offered to God in our place. His holy life must now become our holy life. In Christ, God’s will is now written on our hearts, and we look forward to the day when we will be so confirmed in holiness that we will no longer be able to sin. As the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, Jesus leads us along the path of life toward that goal, bringing us into ever deeper intimacy with the Triune God, in whose presence is fullness of joy. 

Not hypothetical situation

So if you are part of an church where you are in disagreement with 88% of the people on what you feel is a minor issue, do you leave and find a different church where you agree with the majority or do you stay and stand up for what you believe?   What if you are told that you can never be part of the leadership because you are not like-minded.  What if you already give hours and hours of your time...but are told you can only serve in certain places.  Do you stay and keep serving with a smile on your face or do you feel devalued and become disinclined to serve?

On Blogging

I have some friends who have been discussing the possible reasons why their blogging has slowed way down.  So I have been thinking about that for myself.  Some reasons:

1.  I feel less comfortable sharing my thoughts publicly.

 I am not sure why this is.  I have several times thought about protected posts or something like that.  I guess I don't know who is reading and I feel more and more that as my circles expand I may say something that affects my relationships with people I come into contact with.  It was far easier to blog in the day that my blog was read mostly by people I didn't know face-to-face.

2.  My stage of life is transitional right now.

I am figuring out what my "stay-at-home" mom career is going to morph into now that the kids are in school full-time.  I feel kind of silly writing about my life on here - like people will judge - but I think it is my own insecurities.  I really should write a post on this topic.

3.  It is easier to throw one sentence onto Facebook than write a whole post

I am sure there are more, but that's what I have right now.  I would like to blog more, but need to figure out these issues.

January and February 2012 Pictures

I have taken next to zero pictures this year.  The paltry few can be viewed below.  There are more pictures of my kitchen than my children...we are still in construction right now...I will post an update to that. (rss folks...pictures below)

Julia is Ten!

Julia turned ten on Sunday.  We had a busy weekend so she got a three part celebration.  On Friday night we went and got her ears pierced.

Saturday night I made a meal of her request:  barbecue pork ribs, homemade bread and salad.

On Sunday we had dinners with friends and I brought a birthday cake along.

I took her to the Dr. today...Julia is 4' 10" (90th percentile) and 74 lbs (54th percentile)  It was a quick in and out because she is doing great!

Kitchen post #1

We are redoing our kitchen.  Yes, it is exciting, but yes, the expense gives me nightmares.  There is a hole in the cabinet under the sink.  It is leaking water into the laundry room - but I caught it fairly quickly and put a mat on the bottom of the cabinet and so no more leaking.  The leaking itself is just the standard sink leakage from the pull-out faucet.  In the past there have been other more major leaks under there.  The cabinet holding our dishes has a shelf that is sagging dangerously.  I hope it can hold out a few more weeks and all my dishes don't break.   The tile floor has at least 8 cracked tiles.  There are other problems...so onward we go with the remodel.

I wrote a post about the kitchen a few years ago here.   And yes, when the kitchen is done we will have to keep it neater.

The cabinets are ordered...they are a medium maple.  They will go all the way to the ceiling with crown molding.  We are tearing out the closet-style pantry and putting in a pull-out cabinet.

I am trying to figure out countertops...was going to do quartz..now leaning towards granite because I haven't found a quartz I like.

Anyway...stay tuned for updates..the cabinets are due to come in on Feb. 22.

Annual Lauren doctor post

I have a nice history about freaking out about Lauren's health and her slight size and pale complexion.

It has been pretty good lately - it used to be an every 6 month thing to so.

I took her in for her 6 year old well-child visit.

As usual - she is small - right on her curve though!

She is 38 pounds (9th percentile)
45 inches (48th percentile)
13.1 BMI (3rd percentile)

She has been complaining of a stomach ache on a daily basis, so I brought that up.  We talked about bowels and diet and didn't see any red flags.  There is a x-ray machine right in the office so we went down the hall and Lauren had an X-ray of her abdomen.  The tech looked at the images and then came in and quizzed me about what her specific complaints were and asked if she had much vomiting and nausea.  The would be red flag #1 - the tech coming back and asking questions AFTER looking at the scans.

The her doctor went to look and took 15 minutes - which was red flag #2 because why on earth would it take that long.
I was trying not to worry - but after standing next to Lauren in the x-ray room too many flashbacks were occurring.
I was waiting for red flag #3, perhaps being asked to step out of the room or her doctor not looking at me in the eye when she came back in, but she finally arrived.
Despite normal bowel habits and bowel sounds, it seems Lauren is "backed up" quite far.  I questioned the doctor how she knew it was poop (and not something else was the unspoken question). She told me it is distinctive looking.

So - I will put her on fiber for now.  She eats tons of fruits and veggies as it is, so a diet change can't really help.  We will then consider testing her for celiac and food allergies if she is still having the stomach aches after a month or so.

Here are some old posts about her doctor visits and size...if interested.


5 years Lauren 5 year stats

4 years Little Lauren stats

3 years Lauren's Appointment

2 years Little Lauren

Christmas Pictures over the years

December 2011

December 2010

December 2009 (same dresses as year before)

December 2008

December 2007

December 2007

December 2006

December 2005

December 2004

December 2004

December 2003 (in New York City)

December 2002

December 2001

December 2000

December 1997

December 2011

Happy New Year!

December was a good and busy month.  You'll notice the lack of Dance pictures this year.  Neither girl is doing dance.  Julia chose Musical Theater (see pictures from last month where she is dressed in a hat - she is a Newsie)  Lauren decided that rushing off to ballet right after a full day of school didn't suit her.  The second Monday she started crying right off the bus and asked if she had to go right to dance.  She is doing full-day kindergarten, violin, and children's choir at church and that is enough for now.  She would love to be taking swimming lessons but we cannot fit them into the schedule because they are either twice a week after school or Saturday mornings, and both girls have group music lessons most Sat. mornings.

I was busy with my choir's annual large Christmas Concert and then the usual December rush, along with a little bit of work.

Luke's parents came out for Christmas and we had a wonderful time with them.  I rounded out the year with the NOON Year's Eve event for the Children's Museum we are trying to build here in town.

As far as grief goes - this Christmas season was easier to handle than previous Christmases, and I am grateful for that.

(rss readers...slideshow below)