Graduation

So - now that I know that there are a few of you out there...can I just say how much it sucks that Nathan isn't graduating in a few weeks?  He didn't go to prom, he isn't going to college in the fall.

Instead I had a bizarre dream where he was alive - but not much older than he was and his doctor came over to try to figure out what he needed to do next for treatment and we were getting ready to go back to New York.

When he died I was warned his sisters would re-grieve at each of their own new developmental stages.  I'm just now finding out how much hurt there is there...a simple act of having Julia come sit on my bed with me...she said she couldn't sit there after a minute because she was flashing back to the conversation we had on that bed when we told he he was going to die.

It just sucks.

Changes

So by now surely there is no one left to read this post.  As I have stated before I have felt less and less free to express myself publicly and so have stopped.  On the other hand, I'm also getting sick of stifling issues that are important to me and pretending to be the person my social circle expects me to be.

I live in a conservative city, work and worship(ed) in a conservative church, hang out with mostly conservative people.  This is fine.  I have always valued diversity in opinion.  I don't want to only be with people who think the same as I do.  It just so happens I mostly hang out with people who think differently about many things...but there are still a ton of things we can agree on. Now - there have been times over the last few years when I have spoken out for what I believe in.  I have been supported and I also have been yelled and finger pointed at.

I'm not going to get into specifics but over a period of time God has been helping to pave the way for our family to make changes.  And as each little piece of the puzzle comes together I am amazed how it is all being worked out to be the least painful and most positive a change it could be.  It's painful to leave my church family and my choir.  I love the people and the choir unconditionally.  You'd think it would be painful for my kids as well - and while it is hard to start over - they had already stopped wanting to participate in the youth program well before the final straw that caused us to not return to worship there.

So - I continue to trust that for every difficult aspect of this change there will be a positive aspect to offset it.  So far, so good.  I also have to trust that those we love and who love us will do so unconditionally and that this change will not cause a turning away.  I guess I will see true friendship throughout this process as well.

Life is hard...so many hard things right now...in some ways changing churches right now makes it harder but it also feels like a weight lifted.  I can only afford to be real right now.  All the stuffing of feelings takes its toll after a while.

So - that is the tip of the iceberg for now...