Morning

Instead of a by a two year old and a six year old - this is what I awoke to this morning. I am in Tucson visiting my aunt by myself for several days.

Peacocks

This is a picture of me feeding the peacocks that roamed the street I lived on for a year while my dad was taking a sabbatical in England. We lived on Castle Close Drive. the street name is literal because it is behind this castle.
I wish I had been a little older - though I do have memories. I attended preschool and kindergarten there. Here is a picture of me in my school uniform.

One of our favorite weekend activities was playing hide and seek in this ruined castle.

When I came home I had the perfect British accent due to being four years old at the time. there used to be a recording of me on a tape but it is long gone.

Blah Blah

Lauren can talk very well for a two year old and she tries to talk just like Julia, who is six. So - when she has something she doesn't say right it can be very cute.

She has a book of nursery rhymes. When she asks for it she says "I want Blah Blah Black Sheep". I haven't had the heart to tell her it is "Baa Baa" because it is so dang cute.

Photos

I just bought a new scanner - I have been keeping my eye out for one that will scan medium format negatives because we purchased the negatives from our wedding and I have been wanting to convert them to digital files. I found one that was actually reasonably priced and have just started scanning the negatives as they take quite a while with the dust removal setting. It scans photos very quickly and well and so I have had fun scanning in some oldies. I thought I'd share a few:


Me and the Boilermaker Special


Playing the cello when I was five

I think I was 12 or so in the picture - scary


Me at fourteen or so .....hmm - what 80's group did I like?


The full display

Be Still My Soul

As Nathan lay dying and in pain, we decided to put on some music. We chose a compilation of hymns. One hymn that played that morning was "Be Still My Soul"

Well - we are singing an arrangement of it on Sunday. During rehearsal I started singing and then the memory hit me part of the way in. The third verse, in particular was hard to sing. I actually left and composed myself and came back in. I had to do that one other time when we were preparing music for remembrance Sunday and Nathan was still alive. I don't anticipate being able to sing the next remembrance Sunday when Nathan's name will be read.

Here are the lyrics:

1. Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
 Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
 leave to your God to order and provide;
 in every change God faithful will remain.
 Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
 through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
 to guide the future, as in ages past.
 Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
 all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
 Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
 the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
 when we shall be forever with the Lord,
 when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
 sorrow for forgot, love's purest joys restored.
 Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
 all safe and blessed we shall meet at last. 

Letter

So, remember my rant about caucuses the other day? Well - I didn't only rant here, I decided to write a letter to the editor of the local paper.

Mine was printed - along with another similar letter.

I went to choir rehearsal last night and had several people give me kudos for writing it. At the end another choir member came up to me and asked if it was me who wrote it. Her response? "I'm glad to learn I'm not the only democrat in the choir!" We joked about being possibly one of the few democrats in the church. I told her I did think about the fact I was "outing" myself! My friend who I sit next to in most rehearsals told me she would forgive me for being a democrat

My Hair

You may recall THIS post. My hair was pretty short for me in that picture.

This is my hair now. Please ignore the crappy self-portrait blank stare.

I get lots of comments on my hair. I get a lot of compliments but I am also now recognized because of my hair. We had dinner at church a few weeks ago and we sit at community tables. We chatted with an older man at our table and talked about what classes we were taking that night. I mentioned I was taking a handbell class and that I was also in choir. He said that he recognized me from the choir from my long hair.

I never meant for my hair to get so long. It was longish in September 2006 when I went to get it cut before going to New York. Then I was stuck in New York and when we got back I was just too busy to bother with it. This fall I finally decided I was going to cut it because it was kind of annoying me and it was only long by default. That is when all the comments started. People would compliment me and if I mentioned I was going to get it cut soon they would all tell me not to! I have people asking me how long I have been growing it out and I tell them it was an accident.

Of course, there's Luke who loves it long and Lauren who loves to bury her face in my hair and play with it. It is long enough that while at the store yesterday she was holding the ends of it (sitting in the cart) while I was upright pushing the card.

So - I have decided not to cut it for now. I did give it a trim a few weeks ago. I don't know if it is good or bad to be constantly described by your hair but I figure that at 35 my years for having very long hair are numbered.

#%$^ Caucus!

I am truly annoyed by the whole Caucus thing. How many more people could cast their vote if it were a primary?

Anyone who has to work at 7:00 pm - sorry!
Your child has an activity - either vote or make the kid miss this week
Then there is us - we have two small children. We have three choices

1. Get a babysitter and pay them so we can vote!
2. One of us votes the other stays home.
3. Bring a 2 year old and 6 year old to the caucus. The El Paso County Democratic office told me I should not bring them. She said they will have to be quiet for an hour and a half. I asked if I could legally bring them and she said yes but that I shouldn't if they are under the age of nine.

Wonderful! Really promotes getting voters out there!

So - most likely I am going to go to the caucus and Luke will stay home.

Ridiculous!

Keep Breathing

This video was created by Mark Dungan (fellow NB parent and advocate extraordinaire) for the Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation.

It is very nicely done and I hope a lot of people see it and start to understand the dire need of funding for childhood cancer research.

Nathan is in it twice - once in the middle playing in sprinklers (with hair) and once towards the end getting a hug and kiss (along with Julia) from Luke (without hair)

Time flies

I can't believe how young I look in this picture - my hair is so short, too.

That's Nathan in February 2001.

Some people are sick

Yzerman, Wings duped by child with false cancer diagnosis - Red Wings Snapshots - MLive.com

Yzerman, Wings duped by child with false cancer diagnosis

Posted by George James Malik January 28, 2008 18:46PM

Alanah at Kukla's Korner spotted a rather stunning article about Detroit Red Wings vice president Steve Yzerman's relationship with 13-year-old Braxton Davis, a child who supposedly had been battling cancer since 2001. ESPN's Eric Adelson weaves a tragic tale of deception and deceit surrounding a child who simply wanted to meet his hockey hero.

As the link is currently not working because of technical issues at ESPN, I'm going to break protocol and post the entire text. When ESPN The Magazine's website recovers, I will then post several paragraphs and direct you to do what you should--go to ESPN's site and read the story there.

January 28, ESPN The Magazine: Duped

Its sounds like a fairy tale. Steve Yzerman, the legendary hockey hero, reaches out to Braxton Davis, a sick little boy. Think you've read this story before? Bet you haven't.

Updated: January 28, 2008, 12:02 PM ET - by Eric Adelson

The magical tale of the hockey hero and the sick little boy came to an end on a warm spring day in Detroit in 2006. Braxton Davis, the sick little boy, stood silently inside the Red Wings' locker room as the players streamed out, the day before a first-round game against Edmonton. The room was empty, save for one man, Steve Yzerman, who lingered in khakis and a long-sleeved shirt. The Captain, holding a stick in his hand, walked over to Braxton. The boy reached up, took the stick, held it tight. He looked so happy, so blissfully unaware. Maybe Yzerman's friendship with the 11-year-old, a relationship forged five years earlier, was one reason the boy had lived this long. And maybe, in the boy's final moments, he'd hold on to this memory the way he grasped the stick.

Whatever the case, though, this was the end. And Yzerman would not see Braxton Davis again.
...

The increddible tale of the hockey hero and the sick little boy began with another hockey stick. It was a Vic, made of wood and no longer than a man's arm. Brant Davis says he gave his son that stick soon after he was born, in March 1995. The boy, Braxton, looked just like his dad, round face and big cheeks, dark blond hair and wide eyes. But in those wide eyes was a problem: Braxton's pupils were different sizes. For months, doctors ran all kinds of tests, until they delivered terrifying results. Braxton had neuroblastoma, cancer of the nerves. Babies are one of the only things a human can create, Brant thought, and I did it wrong. He says he cringed as he pulled the Vic from Braxton as nurses wheeled the 9-month-old to surgery.

Braxton made it to his first birthday, but soon after, his mom, Karrie, had filed for divorce. The boy's life had changed twice before he was old enough to know it. Three years later, Brant says, he moved Braxton from their home in Salt Lake City to Denver to be close to doctors. Father and son adopted a hockey team they could grow with--not the hometown Avalanche but their bitter rivals, the Detroit Red Wings. Brant liked to stand out. So did his boy.

Braxton kept fighting his disease as Brant fought to be a good father. In 2001, Brant wrote the Wings an e-mail. In it he explained that he had a 6-year-old with cancer, a swarm of Avs fans around them and a love for Steve Yzerman. The Wings were coming to town soon. Could they set aside tickets for a sick boy and his dad? Within hours, Brant says, his phone rang. The caller ID read "BLOCKED." He picked up. Then: "This is Steve Yzerman."

Amazing. Days later there they were, father and son, at Wings practice at a local rink. A tall, graying man named John Hahn introduced himself as the director of media relations for the Wings, then listened to Brant's story about surgeries and chemo and hospital bills. Hahn says he couldn't take his eyes off the boy with no hair. He looked so sick.

Then Yzerman walked over, and Braxton stared in awe. The hockey hero looked the little boy in the eye and smiled. Braxton beamed. Yzerman didn't ask about the disease. Good thing, because Braxton still didn't know what neuroblastoma was. "There are people who know he's sick," Brant said later. "They ask how he's feeling. That makes him feel different. Steve didn't do that."

Braxton changed after that. "Before, nothing motivated him," Brant said. "Then it was, 'Can we get to the rink? I want to play for the Red Wings.'" Never mind that Braxton was teased at school for being a Wings fan, or that he was the only kid without hair. Brant remembers SportsCenter's Make-a-Wish series, in which athletes reach out to sick kids, and his son saying, "Those kids don't have anything compared to what I have."

Brant stayed in touch with the Wings over the next five years, asking for tickets whenever the team came to town. He says Yzerman invited him and Braxton to training camp in Traverse City, but it didn't work out. And when the little boy turned 11--incredible for a kid with cancer--in the winter of 2006, Yzerman asked Braxton and Brant to come to Detroit for the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. He put up father and son at the tallest hotel in Michigan and invited them into the locker room after practice. That's where the hockey hero handed his stick to the sick little boy.

It's also where I met Brant. He told me Braxton was one of only 78 humans in whom both neuro-blastoma and lymphoma have been diagnosed. He talked about surgeries and chemo and hospital bills, told me about deciding to shave his head in sympathy. I wrote about Braxton and Yzerman briefly in The Magazine, then for ESPN.com: "Want to Know the True Stevie Y? Just Ask Braxton."
...

The horrible tale of the hockey hero and the sick little boy began on a frigid, rainy night last fall in Salt Lake City. A pretty woman with shoulder-length brown hair sat in a high-backed chair in a hotel lobby, an arm around her son. The woman was Karrie Nash-Hanberg--Brant's ex-wife, Braxton's mom. Her 12-year-old sat next to her; perched on the edge of his chair, he looked down at his feet. Karrie handed me a manila folder. A letter inside from the director of pediatric oncology at the University of Utah read, Braxton Davis was diagnosed in December of 1995 with neuroblastoma. He was treated with surgery only. No radiation or chemotherapy. His last scheduled follow-up with our clinic was in January of 1998, and he has done very well ever since. The chance of relapse or recurrence at this time is extremely low.

"Braxton," I said, "do you have cancer?"

"No," he replied, then burst into tears.

Karrie said her son has been healthy since he was 2. His father? That was another story entirely. Karrie met Brant in 1992 at Salt Lake Community College. "He sat behind me in class," she said. "He had a fun, outgoing personality." Brant was warm and innocent and always ready with a cool story. He was so charming that when he confessed to prior run-ins with the law, it didn't stop Karrie from falling for him. "I was shocked," she said. "But you like to give someone the benefit of the doubt." What he didn't tell her was that his troubles included theft and unlawful use of an ATM card in 1988. Karrie married Brant a year after they met, and Braxton was born two years after that.

Not long into their marriage, though, Karrie began to have doubts about Brant. Even his most mundane stories began to unravel. "He'd tell me something," she recalled, "then I'd say, 'Wait a minute, I thought you said this.' And he had a different job each week. I'd call, and someone would say, 'He doesn't work here anymore.'"

In July 1994, Brant used a stolen check to pay for baseball cards at a collectibles show. Karrie didn't find out until a few months after Braxton was born, when Brant got into an argument over a traffic incident with an undercover policeman. When the cop ran Davis' name, he turned up an outstanding warrant. That was the last straw. "I gave him chance after chance," Karrie said. "I loved him. He's got a charisma that draws you in. But I've got this little boy here. I have to look out for him."

The divorce was finalized in 1997, giving Karrie full custody of Braxton and Brant visitation rights every other weekend and once during the week. Karrie said that when she remarried and moved from Salt Lake City to Denver, she took Braxton with her and Brant soon followed. When she moved back to Salt Lake in 2007, Brant followed again.

Somewhere along the line--Karrie forgets when--her son and her ex showed up from a weekend together with their heads shaved. She figured it was a father-son bonding ritual. But looking back, she regrets not asking more questions. She figured that when Braxton came home with stories about Steve Yzerman he was just spinning tales. Didn't all kids do that? She stopped asking Brant for explanations, because she never got any. Then, last year, a friend passed along an ESPN.com story about the hockey hero and the sick little boy.

Her eyes bulged as she read it. The Vic stick? Karrie was there when Braxton was wheeled into surgery, and she doesn't remember any hockey stick. The Red Wings? She has a picture of Braxton in an Avs jersey. "What's this about lymphoma?" she asked Brant. "Well," he shrugged, "there used to be a tumor near his lymph nodes."

Braxton said he didn't know he was sick until that day in the Detroit locker room, when he heard his dad talking about cancer. "I felt weird," he said in the hotel lobby, composed again. "I thought I had a normal life." He added that once, Brant called Yzerman and told his son to leave a message. "Say you moved to Utah to be closer to your doctor," his dad said. The confused boy balked, and Brant snapped, "Just tell him."

"I know it's not the right thing to lie," Braxton said, voice quivering again, feet dangling above the floor. "But my dad never told me he lied."

Even after reading the story, Karrie was ready to let it slide, like she had all the other stories Brant had told over the years. She worried about Brant getting angry, and about Braxton being humiliated at school. Wouldn't another fight with Brant just hurt her son? "I would love to keep Brant away from Braxton," she said. "I think he's a bad influence. But I can't prevent him from seeing his son. I'd be in contempt of court." Her attorney told her she could probably get Brant's parental rights revoked but that the process would cost $6,000. "I don't have the money to fight it," she said.

She had no doubt that Brant loved Braxton, but how could he keep telling such a terrible lie about his own son? "I think Brant likes to be the dad who everybody says is so great," Karrie said. "He wants it always to be, 'He'd do anything for his little boy.' But that's not about Braxton. It's about him."
...

The maddening tale of the hockey hero and the sick little boy took another twist last September, at the Utah Olympic Oval, outside Salt Lake City, on a chilly afternoon. An overweight man in shorts and a Red Wings sweatshirt parked his green Range Rover in the lot, got out and pulled a hockey stick from the trunk. A white sticker covered the last letter of his Colorado license plate, making the number difficult to read.

Brant had driven to the Oval from his job, where, even though there were always plenty of spaces out front, he parked in back. As he talked on his cell, parents dropped off their sons for practice with the Rocky Mountain Renegades. Brant was the head coach of the U-18 team.

He hit the locker room, then emerged in a Denver University warmup suit. A mother stood outside the rink, watching her son as she praised the coach. She said the coach had "credentials" in the form of "two rings" from his time at DU, unaware that the DU athletic department had no record of his ever having worked there. Another parent praised Coach Davis too, although, she confessed, "he didn't tell me his first name."

Brant skated onto the ice, flapped his arms, blew his whistle and started a drill by performing it himself. His ankles bent inward and he mishandled a pass. He was the worst skater on the ice. Still, the kids looked up to him, and the parents grinned. After an hour, he allowed breakaways. His players flew toward the net, scoring pretty goals. Then, Brant skated in, tried to scoop up a puck and whiffed. The disk slid harmlessly into the goalie's pads. Laughing, he put his glove to his neck in a mock choke and smiled toward a mom. How funny that the coach, of all people, couldn't get off a shot.

Brant was last off the ice. When I introduced myself, he seemed not to recognize me from that day in Detroit's locker room. When I asked him why he'd told the Red Wings his son had cancer, he looked as if he were about to cry. "Braxton fell off a high dive a few weeks ago," he said, fumbling for an answer. "And we saw the doctor who took out his tumor."
So & did Braxton still have cancer?

"As far as I know."

What about the records that show he's healthy?

"I'm not a doctor."

Any comment for Steve Yzerman?

"Braxton has cancer, and he can do whatever."
...

The sad tale of the hockey hero and the sick little boy is nearly put to rest when I call John Hahn to tell him Braxton Davis doesn't have cancer.
"What does he have?" a worried Hahn says.

"Nothing," I respond. "He's healthy."

The line falls silent. It's Hahn's department that leaves tickets at the door of Joe Louis Arena for sick kids, that distributes the season tickets Red Wings coach Mike Babcock leaves for children in need, that passes on thankful letters from parents of children who've died. Turns out, it was Hahn--not Yzerman, as Brant claimed--who first called Brant that day to reach out to the father and the sick little boy.

Hahn says that shortly after he got Brant's first e-mail the Red Wings were preparing for the Avs at a public rink in Denver, so he invited the dad and son. "When a mother or father brings a child with cancer to a game, they look exhausted," Hahn says. "Not just from one night of lost sleep, but months and months. My mistake was looking at Braxton, not Brant. He never had the look of the parents I see every night."

Hahn says Brant contacted the team repeatedly after his locker-room encounter with Stevie Y, going so far as to call Yzerman's cell (a number The Captain gave him) to look for tickets when the Wings came through Colorado. Each time, the hockey hero paid for the tickets out of his own pocket. Looking back, Hahn says, it was a little weird when Brant asked if he and Braxton could visit Yzerman at his family cottage in Toronto over the summer. Yzerman stuttered at the idea, politely suggesting they instead plan something around training camp, which Brant mistakenly took as an invitation to Traverse City.

A few months after that conversation with Hahn my phone rings. The caller ID reads "BLOCKED." It's Yzerman. I tell him the whole story. "Really bizarre," Yzerman says, without sounding angry or frustrated. In a way, his calm makes sense. Yzerman began his career with one of the worst teams in NHL history. And though he lifted that club into the playoffs, he was nearly shipped to Ottawa, then asked to play second fiddle to a flashy Russian. Over the years he rehabbed from crippling injuries and, by the end of his career, needed to prop himself up on the ice with his stick. But who ever saw Yzerman angry? Who ever saw him give up?

"I'm not going to stop reaching out," Yzerman says. "Actually, I think I might do it more often."

And the little boy?

"Braxton is a nice young boy who seems to have been manipulated. I hope he can realize he did something wrong. It's not too late for him."

The true story of the hockey hero and the healthy little boy begins now.

Photo Books

I recently created two photo books - each from pictures taken on a picnic at the same park. We always have such fun there!

If you are interested in viewing them - here are the links:

March 2007

July 2006

More baby ballet

Customer Service Technical help

I was just trying to log on to my credit card rewards website. I was having trouble logging in and it wouldn't even let me use the password retrieval system so I call the number on the screen.

In the past I have had trouble using this site in Firefox and so I have it open with IE tab to emulate internet explorer. Knowing this problem I was able to decipher her strange question.

Her "Are you using Yahoo?"

Me "what?"

Her " Are you using Yahoo or Google"

Me " Do you mean Firefox??"

Her "Which program are you using, Yahoo or Google?"

Me "Do you mean Internet Explorer or Firefox?"

Her "Yes - are you using Internet Explorer"

Me " Yes" thinking - OK - not even going to explain about IE tab.


Scary to think she equates Yahoo and Google to web browsers and she is trying to provide support.

In the end she could not fix my problem and I had to practically beg her to justs let me call back next week (hoping someone who knows something will be working)

St. Baldrick's

As many of you know, for the last several years, my cousin Matt has shaved his head for the St. Baldrick's fundraiser for pediatric cancer research.

This year Matt decided to create a team of shavees in Nathan's honor. Matt is shaving his head along with several others including fellow friends and bloggers, Shadowfax and Jim.

A mutual friend of many in Nathan's team, Beth, is a pediatric oncologist/researcher who is currently doing pediatric brain tumor research and she told us that she is applying for a grant from St. Baldrick's this year. That is what it is all about! Getting money in the hands of researchers so they can find the next new treatment and eventually the cure!

Please consider donating some amount - big, very small, or somewhere in between - to Nathan's team. It would mean so much to me.

In case you missed the link above - click HERE.

Happy Birthday Julia

Julia is six years old today! I am not quite sure how that happened.



Julia, Julia, she is my exact opposite! I am befuddled by her at times and frankly annoyed and amazed at her. She confounds me.

Luke mentioned that Julia has been having a hard time lately. She lost it this morning trying to find clothes to wear.

Her turning six is also weird to me in that Nathan's last year of life was spent as a six year old. He turned seven only a month before he died. I can't look at her and not see the little sister but she is quickly catching up.

I also just don't know what happened to the years between one and six. In many ways they are lost to me.

She was 14 months old when Nathan was diagnosed. At that moment she ceased to be my baby that I was wrapped up in and so in love with as my focus turned towards Nathan's battle. I was forced to leave her for weeks at a time when, to that point, we had never even had a baby sitter. She was taken from me and I from her. She has been second priority ever since. Luckily for her people have come into her life that love her in ways I cannot.

I am sure she feels that gap that I feel. I am the adult - it is my responsibility to heal the wounds - to give her the love she needs and deserves. I don't know how - and she is six - time is moving on.

I am trying - not hard enough - but trying.

Not the best day ever

Not the worst either.

It started around 5:30 when I awoke to a child crying and figured out it wasn't Lauren. Julia was in her bed sobbing about not being able to sleep.

She did end up going back to sleep and woke up feeling OK. She's been sick but her fever was lower. She felt so good I took her to the grocery store and while we were their she fainted and fell out of the cart. She was in one of those carts where big kids can sit but her buckle was broken so she wasn't buckled in. She came to and was upset and wanted to know what I was doing with her on the floor. She was very pale and we went home and her temperature was up some.

I took her to the doctor and she checked out fine with most likely a virus.

I went to choir tonight and that was good.

What was not good was when I ran over some unknown object on the interstate on the way home. After a while I heard a strange noise that got worse as I pulled over. Unfortunately it was the exit and there was large concrete wall and no shoulder. I pulled over as far as I could and called Luke and squeezed out of the van. Since I was essentially in the exit lane I felt it was unsafe to remain in the van and so I climbed up an embankment and waited while Luke called a tow truck. My rear right wheel was torn apart.

I got to wait out on this embankment for quite a while in 14 degree weather until mercifully a cop arrived and parked behind the van with his lights on and so I could get back in and warm up.

I had them tow the van home because it would have been difficult to change the tire where the van was and the spare is in some way between the driver and passenger seat and we have never gotten it out and I am not sure I could have figured it out tonight.

So - I am home - I am cold but currently under my electric blanket.

I am hoping for a better day tomorrow!

Birthday invites update

I totally forgot to update about the birthday party invitation situation so here it is.

I called the mother of a child whose birthday party invitation Julia had received a few months ago and asked her how she got the names. I didn't recall how we happened to receive this invitation. I don't know the mother other than meeting her briefly at the party.

She told me she helps out on Tuesdays and snuck her invitations in the backpacks. She then offered to do the same but I initially turned her down and said I didn't want her to have to do that for me and I had a few more avenues to check.

I called her back the next morning and accepted. I could tell she was not overly happy about it and probably wished she hadn't offered. I told her not to worry if there didn't end up being an opportunity.

Julia came home from school without the invitations so that was a big relief. I sent the mother a thank you note and explained that it was a big deal this year that Julia get to have her friends come since it was the first party without her brother and bound to be difficult for her. Hopefully that makes her feel better.

Julia is trying to recreate a party that Nathan had and got really upset when she found out her party would be in the other room of the two available at this place. I am about to call to see if we can move it..... She thinks that she will feel close to Nathan by doing this.

Snow Day

No school today - click and check out the wind chill under the wind speed - brr!

Too cute!

I truly cannot remember seeing anything cuter than Lauren in dance class with other little girls.

She was definitely the youngest and smallest but did really well! The barre is way to high for her though.

I didn't take any pictures in class but I will share one taken at home and a little video of her doing Julia's tap routine and then coming to ask me a question.

Loved ones

I love to see these pictures of Nathan with his great-grandpa because he is Nathan's only relative that he met who is also dead. I hope they are together right now.

My heart is heavy these last few days because someone I love has been (pending biopsy but pretty conclusively) diagnosed with metastatic cancer.

Cancer sucks.

Baby ballet

Lauren is due to start baby ballet/tap on Friday. She loves Julia's class and will try her best to dance along. Now that she is two she can start her own class.

I signed her up in December but without detail. I was surprised to see this class performing at the recital - in ballet and tap!

I asked a mom yesterday whose daughter had been in the baby class and, yes, they do ballet and tap and wear the costumes and all that.

Now - with Lauren being so tiny she is wearing a size 5 toddler shoe. I found her stretchy ballet slippers at target in a size 6-10 and a leotard in size 2-3 (she wears 18-24 month). We'll see if those fit. Now I realize she will be doing tap too! I called around and I can get her tiny tap shoes but I can't decide if I should. It seems pretty extravagant for a 2 year old but I am tempted. IT just won't be the same in church shoes.

Yes - I will provide photos at some point.

Oh - and I am not seeing how she will wear her hair in a bun in May!

Birthday Party frustration

Julia is having a birthday party and wants to invite all the girls in her class. Unfortunately, the school has not published a directory this year and you are forbidden from handing invitations out at school. I received a list of names from her teacher but that is all. She suggested I talk to the moms before or after school. Julia rides the bus and I have no clue whose mom is who and there are other kids who ride the bus.

I guess I will try to go over to the school in the morning and try to slip invites to the parents of the girls Julia points out to me - I can't think of another way. I'm not really comfortable with that because there could be a boy next in line and he might see and get his feelings hurt. I'd love to obey the rule but with last names like Evans and Williams there is no way I can figure out addresses

phone call

Last night at dinner we had a conversation with Julia about the school bus and how some parents don't put their kids on the bus. We talked about why she liked the bus and why we thought it was good that she take the bus.

So - today I got a phone call. I was at Target and it was 10:30 - almost 2 and a half hours since Luke put Julia on the bus this morning.

Secretary, "I was just wondering if you have Julia at home today"
Me "Uh - no - I put her on the bus this morning"
Secretary "Who is her teacher"
Me "Mrs. Teacher"
Secretary, " Let me go check"
Commence 120 seconds of scenarios in my head of Julia getting snatched after she got off the bus or otherwise wandering off and two+ hours have passed since this has happened
Secretary, "She's here - her teacher doesn't know why she got marked as absent"
Me "Ohhh Kayyy, that's good! - nervous laughter"

Didn't really need that scare today.

2008

We are having a relaxing new year's day. We spent last night watching Harry Potter, drinking hospitality punch and eating way too many sausage balls. We were awake(ish) as late as 11:52 but decided to go to sleep. Neither of us were feeling all that celebratory about the new year.

Today we have been lounging around. We watched a little Rose Parade and played the wii. I made a ham for lunch since I was not home for either holiday and felt the urge to make a holiday meal. We are in our orange and blue and are getting ready to watch Illinois in the Rose Bowl.

Someone from a grief board said that a friend told them "Have a New Year" as a replacement for Happy New Year. That's what a plan - a new year - I couldn't say if it will be happy or not or what I really wish for it

December 2007 pictures

Illinois

We just got back today from a trip to Illinois to spend Christmas with my in-laws. I also grew up in Illinois (about 40 minutes away from Luke but we met in Virginia). My parents now live in South Carolina and so it is nice for me that I still get to go "back home". We planned our yearly summer trip to Illinois for July 2005 after having been there a year earlier. Nathan relapsed in June 2005 and so we had to cancel our trip while he underwent intensive therapy. Fast-forward to July 2006 and another planned trip. Nathan once again relapses in June and we are unable to travel. This past June we tried to go to Illinois one last time but Nathan was too unstable to go. So that is how it happened that it had been over three years since we got to go to Illinois. It was very good to be back.

We ate so much food that I don't think we have been hungry since we left on our trip. There are two foods I can't get here and so I twice had to have Monical's pizza and Steak and Shake. Add in Luke's mother's homemade fried chicken, chicken and noodles, fabulous pies, peanut brittle and much, much more and it seems like all we did was eat! It was great! We will now commence with LIGHT eating though.

Luke's sister and her boyfriend were also there and it made for a wonderful family Christmas. Julia and Lauren had so much fun playing and being read to. Santa was good (though he failed to bring Julia the $250 4 foot high animatronic pony she wanted).

We drove out (about 15 hours each way) and it was really good. Lauren had never been on a long car trip so we didn't know what to expect. We did it in 2 days each time. We spent last night with good friends in Kansas City and that was a bonus!

We missed Nathan like crazy and at the same time managed to have a decent Christmas. How can we not when we still have two beautiful daughters. I imagine Nathan had a fantastic Christmas in Heaven and I hope he was able to "pop in" and see us in Illinois.

I am being lazy and so you will see accompanying pictures on New Years Day when I publish the December photos.

Merry Christmas

I hope all of you have a blessed and merry Christmas.

Julia dancing

WARNING - this is one of those posts of interest strictly to family and good friends as it is the 5 year old ballet/tap recital footage.

She had a lot of fun. Professional pictures will come later and I will post those when I get them. It was way to dark for still pictures.

Public Speaking

I am really terrible at public speaking. I get shaky and speak haltingly. I can't stand listening to myself do it and I am sure others don't want to hear me either. So - since college I have generally avoided it at all costs.

Tonight, I am going to speak to a group of people of unknown size (should be less than 100 for sure). I can't remember if I volunteered or was asked, but there was never a question that I would do it.

Now the event is upon me - yikes! I just practiced my speech a few times and it isn't pretty. I do hope that it will have impact, which is why I am doing it.

There is a fundraiser tonight for Flight of Hope.

This is the organization who twice flew us to NY when Nathan needed transportation there. You may recall that last year at this time, Nathan was in the hospital with no immune system and weak and feverish. We knew he was going to die and we desperately wanted to get him home for Christmas. We had been in NYC for three months after packing for a 10 day trip. Nathan had been in the hospital for 6 weeks with no immune system and we had given him his last bag of stem cells and were waiting for him counts to come up. The doctors were adamant that Nathan stay in the hospital. We knew the only way to get him home was to get him on a private plane because he couldn't possibly fly on a commercial airline. Fortunately for us, Flight of Hope was able to schedule a flight for December 19. We had hoped his counts would have began coming up by then but they didn't. Against the wishes of his doctors (I think we had to sign a document to that fact) Luke checked him out of the hospital and brought him to the airport and we flew him home.

Without Flight of Hope, Nathan would have been in NY for his last Christmas and we all might not even have been together.

So - while rough and probably teary - I hope I can convey what a worthwhile charity this organization is.

Living Life

Sometimes it just really hits me how odd it is that life just goes on after someone dies. The details of everyday life continue and have to be dealt with. A week or two just doesn't seem like enough time to actively mourn someone. Nathan died and we had his service 5 days later. People came in to town and we all mourned Nathan. Nine days later my parents left, Julia started kindergarten and Luke went back to work. Regular life was thrust upon us and this life with work and small children just doesn't leave room to stop and mourn. So - we got right back into things. School, church, work, playgroups. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right. It feels like I am faking my way through everything. I also feel like when people see me, they don't see any of what Nathan's death has done to me on the inside and I just look like any other suburban stay-at-home mom with all the normal "problems". In some ways it seems dishonest. Then, when I think about it I realize there just aren't any other choices. My girls need a "normal" routine. I can't just go lay in bed - I have to take care of them. Luke has to go to work and make money. So life trudges on. Something just isn't right though and

Lauren update

I took Lauren to the cardiologist today. It was a little nerve-wracking because after the cardiologist listened to her for a while he told me he wanted to do an echocardiogram. So - they did that (and Lauren was SO good - not a peep out of her) and the results are that she has a very loud "functional murmur". It is just the way she is built I guess. He is not concerned but wants to see her in three years as a follow up. That is a big relief.

After the cardiologist - we went over to our local IRS office. I got a letter yesterday telling me that I MUST have put in the wrong social security number for Nathan because someone else used it too. The letter told me to check the number and refile. It didn't tell me what to do if the number was right! So - I gathered up his social security card and death certificate and headed over. I was told that they will give it six weeks and if the other person hasn't filed an audit will take place and at that point I can give them my paperwork. It is really frustrating to think I have to prove he was my son and I had the right to file with him as my dependent. Perhaps someone else just made a typo and will correct their return and I will not hear anything else about this.

I am off soon to take Julia to her grief group and entertain Lauren. After that I have a 3 hour choir rehearsal. I hope I can make it until 10:00! I usually attend the parent group that meets while the kids are having their time. I have kind of been hating it lately because I just feel wrung out and crappy when it is over. It is nice to have some excuses not to do it tonight. I was certainly not going to have a grief session and then go sing for three hours and now it turns out that Lauren will be with me anyway.

November Pictures

Little Lauren

I took Lauren to the doctor today for her two year old check-up. She is the weight of the average TEN month old girl! 21 pounds. Her height is around 50th percentile. Her weight is listed as 1% because I guess 0% is not an option. Her doctor is not concerned because her growth curve looks good - it is just off the charts. She was 19 pounds at 18 months so she has gained 2 pounds in 6 months and is about and inch and a half taller (she is 33.5 inches). Her head is very small - that is in line with both Nathan and Julia as babies and toddlers. There is no concern about her head - she is speaking in complete sentences and has amazing comprehension. It's funny - because when you look at her body it seems normal in proportion but that is normal for an older child. She has none of the chub that toddlers are supposed to have.

We talked about how pale she is and that it is probably just genetics but we did a quick toe poke to check her hemoglobin. It was just fine at 12.3.

Finally - a listen to the chest brought new news. Lauren has a heart murmur. Most likely nothing to be concerned about but "because she is a Gentry" the doctor (her words) wants a pediatric cardiologist to listen to it. We already have a pediatric cardiologist thanks to Nathan's chemo and Julia's Kawasaki's disease. So - Lauren gets to join the fray. Why not!

I am trying not to worry about it. I have known plenty of kids with harmless murmurs. Even if it is a little more than that - I can handle anything short of a deadly disease. There is no exemption for the other children once you lose one child. There ought to be.

Ahhhhh

In my previous post I mentioned we had to have birthday cake for breakfast on Friday. The reason for that is we had to go to Denver right after school so we could spend the night and get on a plane early Saturday morning.

We are in Hilton Head Island, SC, spending Thanksgiving at my parent's house.

I hope all of you have a Hapy Thanksgiving as well!

Happy (belated) Second Birthday Lauren

I am remiss in posting this. I have a good reason, which is the same reason we had birthday cake for breakfast. I will blog about that reason in a few days with some pictures.

At rest

We have now interred Nathan's remains at the columbarium.

Luke wanted to go be there when they put them in and so I decided to bring Lauren and go as well. I didn't really want to but I also felt compelled to go.

It it a gorgeous fall day with temperatures in the low 70's. The ground at the cemetary was covered with leaves and Lauren had fun crunching around in them.

We followed the cemetery manager (Luke tells me that is his title) to the columbarium and they had a little pedestal and a fake green/grass carpet thingy on the cement in front of Nathan's niche. That kind of made me cringe but I guess I should have expected that with it being a cemetery and all. I have to remind myself that most people like that kind of stuff - it was just that we were kind of trying to avoid it ourselves.

The drawer was open and the door was propped up on an easel. We looked at it for a moment and then the manager handed Luke the container and he put it in the drawer. We asked him to have it closed so we could take pictures of it and so he called someone over who closed it up and he went on his way.

We took some pictures and wandered over to the nearby stone chapel. Lauren picked up leaves.

After that, we went back home. We will talk to Julia, explain all the stuff (cremation etc) and take her over there sometime soon.

Superkids

This was Nathan's Halloween costume when he was 16 months old. When Julia was 21 months old, we were in Denver following Nathan's transplant. We were given the green light to return home on Halloween. After the rush to pack and come home I could not find the costume I had purchased for Julia. I rummaged in the crawl space and came back with Nathan's superman
costume and she wore it. As it turned out - it totally fit her personality. I have been waiting to put Lauren in it and the opportunity arose today. It is enormous on her - she is very petite!

Nathan

JuliaLauren

Nathan

Julia

Lauren

Blows

I guess I have been told grief is like this. You are doing OK and then something or things knock you down.

I am still frustrated with my voice - did I mention I had laryngitis 10 days ago? I still cannot sing. I couldn't even talk at first so there is progress but my voice is not better yet. Singing is one of few joys I get out of life right now.

Last night I walked into Hospice to take Julia to her grief group and to go to the parent group. There is a woman on the couch and I recognize her. It takes about 3 minutes and it comes to be who she is. She is the last nurse to come to try to help Nathan the morning he died. He had been in incredible pain all night. They finally sent her with some medicine for him. I remember how hard it was for her and she mentioned that she doesn't usually go see kids because it is too hard for her with her own at home. She was visibly upset - and has every right to be. There in front of her was a seven year old child in pain and dying. She offered to stay until more of the ordered medicine arrived but I told her she could go - and she did, with much relief. That medicine arrived about a half an hour after Nathan died.

So - I went up to her last night and told her who I was. Tears started flowing immediately, automatically for both of us. She was there at the worst moment of my life and all those memories came back. She was there with her own second-grader. He daughter had just lost a good friend and was having trouble dealing with it. She was apologetic about being there since it was obviously hard for me. I told her it was probably better running into her there, in such a place where tears are normal, than in the grocery store or something. She asked me, with hope, if she was able to take care of Nathan's pain that morning. I had to tell her that it helped for a few minutes but did not last.

We had our group and it was fine that she was there. The whole thing just took a lot out of me. I came home pretty much useless and Luke took care of the girls and I went out for some dinner. I am still kind of shaken up about it.

Today I read about another child with Neuroblastoma. She is in the ICU after having a reaction to her treatment. This treatment is the trial that Nathan was the first child to do last fall in NYC. This is the trail we were told could "CURE" Nathan. I have followed some of the children who did this trial after Nathan did. At least two others are also dead. NONE had any overall improvement and several progressed while on the trial. A few were stable on the trial and progressed afterwards. It has been a big fat failure while having some serious side effects. High blood pressure - crazy bleeding - obliteration of bone marrow - respiritory difficulties during the infusion - I am sure there are more. Not to mention spending all that time in NYC away from home for 99% of the kids. This sick child is on a respirator. Whatever happened to her happened during the infusion. During Nathan's second infusion his sats went in to the 60's for a couple of minutes. It was scary. There was much medical action going on even though he was being infused with a radioactive isotope and was emitting high levels of radiation. The study doc was actually the one that went ahead on got right there next to Nathan to try to help him and took the radiation. In my mind - I see this child in this situation, but instead of the problem being resolved - they had to intubate her. That could have been Nathan - almost was, probably.

It makes me uneasy. My first reaction is to wonder why this trial is going forward with such dismal results horrible side effects. Then I remember the situation that we were in. We were grateful that there was a trial for Nathan. He didn't qualify for any other trial, really. The trial represents hope, even though it is now known to be very slim hope. When we did it, there was great hope. Either way - I guess I DO want the doctors to be able to offer this trial as an alternative to going home to die. The problem is, I was that for the PARENTS. Would we have put Nathan in that trial if he was just getting to it now? Armed with the knowledge of potential side effects and chances of having any sort of reduction in disease burden being slim? It is hard to say. I am sure this doctor is still serving up a very optimistic view of this study. I am sure the truths we know about it are being sugar-coated. I just don't feel that any more kids should be put through this study. I guess it is just as well that it isn't up to me.

So - all of that, plus the insurance crap leavees me not in the best state today.

$#%^@ Health Insurance

I don't think I have anything eloquent to say. I'll try though. I'm still battling with our health insurance over Nathan's medical bills. He hit his out-of-pocket maximum on January 23, 2007. They never stopped billing us for his coinsurance anyway. I spent 45 minutes on the phone arguing with the "specialist" about what an individual maximum meant versus a family maximum. She told me , once he hit the individual maximum then he just started accruing on the family maximum until that was hit. Huh? What is the purpose of an individual maximum then? 5 minutes before I needed to leave the house to pick up Julia from school she FINALLY got it. However, it was too late to make sure she was going to do anything helpful about it and I had to get off the phone. This is coupled with the fact that on October 2 I called and they told me they would issue an out of pocket audit. They have now told me that for some reason, even though I called on October 2, they did not start the process until October 29. It will be 30 business days. Gee - Thanks.

So - we may be left with the dilemma - pay bills we don't owe or be sent to collection and have a black mark on our credit report.

What a great choice. I just love the way insurance companies leave the patient with zero recourse when they can't add two numbers together and their system even shows negative numbers as a balance due by us.

Oh - and the emotional cost to me is almost as bad. I just don't have the extra emotional energy to battle with stupid people.

Forgotten Photo

I was rummaging through some boxes in the crawl space today and I found our engagement photo. I had completely forgotten we had that done. I now recall we didn't really like it that much. Now that we are ten years older - I think we look great!

October pictures

Of Cemeteries on Halloween

It's Halloween - where better to spend time than in a cemetery.

That is where Luke and I went this morning. If you recall my post, My Closet, we had a decision to make about Nathan's remains. A few weeks ago it occurred to me that perhaps we could inter Nathan's ashes. As time has been going by, the thought of having an urn somewhere in our house has become less and less appealing to us. We also felt that should we ever move from here, we might not want to leave his remains behind. So - we needed a solution.

The week before last, when I had a child-free morning, I drove down to the cemetery to see what the options were. It is a huge cemetery and I got lost and didn't find all the places I was looking for. I did drive by a row of children's graves. There were "Happy Birthday" balloons and stuffed animals. Seeing those helped to cement the fact that we did not want that. I completely understand why people do want to have graves for their children and spend time there and decorate. However, that thought is very unappealing to Luke and I. Nathan is not there and will never be there so we don't feel like we will be "visiting him" there. We want a "resting place" and a dignified place for his remains. Can I just say, thank goodness Luke and I both feel the exact same way about this???? Can you imagine if we had different feelings about what to do with his remains.

While wandering, I found what we wanted; a columbarium. This particular one is located near a very old stone chapel and is surrounded by large trees. I apologize that, though I brought cameras both times, I still have failed to take a picture of it. It has four sides and is 4 drawers across and 7 down. It has a reddish marble front to be engraved with the name.

So - Luke and I went down there this morning and purchased a niche in the columbarium. We also gave them Nathan's remains for safekeeping in their vault until the engraving is done and it is ready for interment. The person (of whose occupational title I couldn't hazard a guess) tried to encourage us to hold a ceremony of sorts when they inter the remains. For many reasons, we are probably not going to do that. We will take the girls over when it is done and show it to them.

I think that I feel a sense of relief that this is done. My friend offered to keep Lauren the whole morning, so after Luke and I were done at the cemetery we had some time together. We bought Luke an early Christmas present. It was a typical retail therapy kind of thing so it made us both feel good and I know he is going to enjoy it immensely. I'll leave it to him to blog about it at some point. We got a nice lunch afterwards and then I hurried off to attend Julia's school party. It was a little unsettling attending a kindergarten party after what I had been doing this morning - but that is the way life is.

Tonight, in typical Colorado fashion, it is expected to rain, snow or ice during prime trick or treating hours. It should be fun either way. The girls had a party on Saturday and the weather was beautiful then and I took some nice pictures already without all the bundling up.

My desk

The living room has become my office in the last few years. Baskets of mail and bills lying around. My computer on the coffee table. My stationary and power cords in baskets and bins. Important mail lingered with junk mail.

I got the idea a few weeks ago that a very small desk would be a good thing to help me organize.

I walked into the local oak store the other day and there was the exact desk I needed! At $240 (much of it solid oak) I couldn't pass it up.

So - here it is:



And the BEST part for a slob like me:




I now have my computer and all my chargers nicely put away. Medical bills get their own cubby. I went through baskets of mail and reclaimed things like the title to our van. I feel calmer just knowing that any important stuff now has it's own cubby.

Middle of the Night

Luke posted about the great radio show taping (that is a link but links do not show up very well) we went to on Friday night.

I loved Loudon Wainwright III's new song "Middle of the Night" Luke put it on his post, but I will repost with lyrics. As I am in the "middle of the night" currently, this song resonated with me.

Into this pitch darkness we're hurled
Where there's not a glimmer of light
It's not the end of the world
It's just middle of the night

And the blackest of flags is unfurled
In all this absence of light
It's not the end of the world, good people
Merely the middle of the night

The middle of the night
That's what this is
If death is the real test
This is just a quiz

When grey creeps through your window
It will be daylight
The end of this darkness
Is almost in sight

To a ball of fear you are curled
You're holding on with all of your might
It's not the end of the world, little sister
It's just the middle of the night

In the maelstrom of your mind you are swirled
Almost down the drain but not quite
It's not the end of the world, my brother
Rather the middle of the night

The middle of the night
When you fear everything
but the birds will awake soon
and you will hear them sing

You doubted you'd make it
not sure you'd survive
Now your dead tired
but you're still alive

Around fate's fickle finger we're twirled
Small wonder we're all so uptight
It's no the end of the world, good people
Merely the middle of the night

It's not the end of the world as we know it
it's just the middle of the night

Colorado weather

Crushed

Yesterday when I went out to the van with Lauren I looked down and I saw one of Julia's china doll babies obliterated on the ground. It must have fallen out of the van door and then gotten run over. I could see pieces of the little babies face. It was really macabre and upsetting. I would buy her the little dolls at the gift shop at the hospital when Nathan was inpatient.

Luckily, she didn't see it because she would have been very upset. I guess I now need to go to the hospital to see what replacements I can find before I tell he it "broke"

Gone fishing....

Not exactly fishing - but we had a long weekend in Seattle with friends.

It was a wonderful trip. The kids played - the adults hung out.


On Saturday we had two babysitters to watch 8 kids and we went and did a wine tasting and then dinner. It was the most fun we have had in a very long time.

The night wound down with a game of poker using amusingly large children's playing cards and goldfish as currency.


We jumped back into life today. I took three toddlers (23 months, 30 months, 21 months) to the grocery store and we all survived! Julia has dance class after school today.

Update (tomorrow)

So - I did go to the funeral. The only hard part was walking past the parlor when I was making my way to the choir room. The parlor is where the family gathers before the service and I hope to not go in there for a very long time. Just the thought of the family in there waiting for the service to begin gives me flashbacks.

I was so glad that I went. I found the service to be extremely comforting and to be able to sing "How Lovely is Thy Dwelling Place" at a time when it is utterly meaningful was a blessing.

Unfortunately, I did not have time to go through the receiving line. I don't know her plans, but I hope my fellow alto will be back singing with us sometime soon.

This man was a coach and an educator and had a positive influence on so many people. I am glad to have learned more about him.

Tomorrow

So - I may be going to a funeral tomorrow. In my church - eight (no - nine) weeks later.

One of my fellow choir members lost her husband to cancer. She hasn't been able to sing for a while but when she did, I always looked forward to sitting next to her. When I was pregnant she talked to me of singing in the choir when she was pregnant, too. That baby is in his forties now.

I had been considering going to the funeral but not sure if I could do it. Then she asked the choir to sing "How Lovely is Thy Dwelling Place". I think I can do that. I really want to do that for her. I will be sitting in the choir loft, which is my usual place to be, not like at Nathan's funeral at which we sat in the front row. I will NEVER sit in the front row again if I don't have to.

Babysitting plans have been made, but Julia has come down with pink-eye. She can be at home with Luke without causing him interruption, so now Lauren is still set to go.

I feel like the decision will be made for me tomorrow. There is a good chance sickness will keep me home. Either Lauren or I might have pink-eye by the middle of the day as far as I know.

I checked with the choir director tonight at rehearsal to make sure that "How Great Thou Art" was not going to be sung as a solo as it was at Nathan's funeral. I am certain I would NOT make it through that. Even so, I am a little worried that I will be hit with flashbacks and emotion.

So - I will wait to see what sickies are in store tomorrow...

Oh - and there is another issue; what to wear? When I bought the dress I wore to Nathan's funeral I was determined I would wear it again for other things. Well, here I am again, needing a dress appropriate for a funeral and it is going to be quite warm tomorrow so it would make sense to wear that dress again. I haven't worn it since Nathan's service - so if I wear it tomorrow it just might become my "funeral dress" and that will be it.

Don't know.

September pictures

Satisfaction?

I have been trying to correct an error in one of our newspaper subscriptions. We bought an outrageously cheap year of a newspaper from a door-to-door salesperson in May. Since we have lived at our house we have gotten the same deal two other times. The deal expires, they offer us the regular rate, we decline and then a year later or so, someone shows up to sell it to us again.

This time, they made an error when they turned it and and we received a different deal than we signed up for, I called up and she said she switched it to daily.

I recently received a bill and so I called and they claimed I only had paid for 12 weeks. I couldn't find my receipt - I complained about being misled but she said there was nothing she could do. So - I did nothing and got called by the billing people today. I explained the problem and he admitted that he has seen that deal before so I called the newspaper up and spent a good 45 minutes or more on the phone with people and finally got a supervisor who actually queued up the conversation I had back when the wrong subscription was put through. She said she would correct it to daily (thought said nothing about a year) and he said he would honor it but he wasn't happy about it. He actually admitted they do give the deal I was sold even though two other CSR's denied such a thing existed.

So - I prevailed, but at what cost? It was very stressful. I had to get annoyed with them, I had to start going down other route like asking to get the contact number of the company that hires the contractors who sell these things, etc. etc. I hate that crap and in my current state of bereavement, I can hardly handle it.

I should have just called and canceled the dang thing. Perhaps I will feel better tomorrow morning when I go get the paper.