Monday, May 21, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
On Mother's Day
I have written about Mother's Day many times...here I go again.
This year I keep coming across other bereaved moms expressing how I feel - and I can't tell you what a comfort that is to me. The bittersweet, the empty arms, the missing child in the photo, the desire to avoid church and all its hoopla that day.
I recently found a group of bereaved moms here in town. That has been a huge blessing because I just need to be in their company from time to time - to be with other moms who understand. We are having a mother's day brunch on Saturday. At that table we will be completely comfortable with our shared discomfort with Mother's Day. What a relief!
Kudos to Luke who is coming home from a week of travel late tonight and leaving again on a red-eye Sunday night for being more than willing to run the girls around to and fro so I can attend.
This year I keep coming across other bereaved moms expressing how I feel - and I can't tell you what a comfort that is to me. The bittersweet, the empty arms, the missing child in the photo, the desire to avoid church and all its hoopla that day.
I recently found a group of bereaved moms here in town. That has been a huge blessing because I just need to be in their company from time to time - to be with other moms who understand. We are having a mother's day brunch on Saturday. At that table we will be completely comfortable with our shared discomfort with Mother's Day. What a relief!
Kudos to Luke who is coming home from a week of travel late tonight and leaving again on a red-eye Sunday night for being more than willing to run the girls around to and fro so I can attend.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Kitchen Done!
The kitchen has been done for a week or two. It is so nice to have it finished and the extra bonus was that we were waiting on wood floors in the family room until we re-did our kitchen and so we are enjoying those very much. We now have wood throughout the lower level and love the flow it gives the house.
BEFORE
AFTER
BEFORE
AFTER
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
April 2012 Pictures
April was a busy, busy month. It started out with a very busy Holy Week for me and then many activities for the girls. Luke's parents came out for a visit to watch some of these various performances:
Church spring children's concert (both girls, I directed kindergarteners and Luke wrangled the kindergarteners)
Julia Destination Imagination state finals
Lauren violin recital
Julia musical theater production
Lauren track meets (her first time running and she really loves it)
Julia fourth grade choir singing National Anthem and minor league baseball game
Julia fourth grade choir performance at the school
Lauren violin book one graduation party
So - below is a slideshow of many of these things and more (some hiking and enjoying the grandparents too!)
(a note - I have posted some other entries in the last day or two - so keep scrolling)
Church spring children's concert (both girls, I directed kindergarteners and Luke wrangled the kindergarteners)
Julia Destination Imagination state finals
Lauren violin recital
Julia musical theater production
Lauren track meets (her first time running and she really loves it)
Julia fourth grade choir singing National Anthem and minor league baseball game
Julia fourth grade choir performance at the school
Lauren violin book one graduation party
So - below is a slideshow of many of these things and more (some hiking and enjoying the grandparents too!)
(a note - I have posted some other entries in the last day or two - so keep scrolling)
Kitchen - Finally done!
It took about 9 weeks to put the final details on it. It is done and we love it! There may yet need to be some accessorizing.
Before
After
March 2012 photos
Looks like I am behind in posting photos. March was another kind of slow month dominated by kitchen renovations. We did go on a fun hike in March - so that is the majority of pictures.
I will post April in a bit - April had a million things going on so many more pictures there!
(rss: slideshow below)
I will post April in a bit - April had a million things going on so many more pictures there!
(rss: slideshow below)
Saturday, May 05, 2012
Day to day with grief
I am sitting in the car waiting...by a house that has been stucco'd. So I think back to when my house was stucco'd and I remember how it was being done as Nathan was dying. I remember when it was all finished we took him outside, on a very sunny day, to see it, because he was housebound at the time He couldn't walk anymore and so had to be carried and the act of being carried hurt him and the sun was too bright. I tear up thinking of it all as Julia walks towards the car and smiles and me. Thankfully I am wearing sunglasses so I do my best to smile back.
So - that is how it goes...just about any normal mundane thing in life can remind me of pain and suffering and death. It is just part of my life now.
So - that is how it goes...just about any normal mundane thing in life can remind me of pain and suffering and death. It is just part of my life now.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
Kitchen...almost done
I cleared out the kitchen Feb. 20.
We got a sink March 15 and a range March 19. So - we had two weeks of a functional kitchen. We are getting floors this week.
Next week we will move stuff back in and all the trim, the valance and window sill will go in. I am also having them fix and seal the grout in the backsplash because we used a grout product that shouldn't have needed to be sealed, but alas, clearly does so we need to fix that.
We got a sink March 15 and a range March 19. So - we had two weeks of a functional kitchen. We are getting floors this week.
Next week we will move stuff back in and all the trim, the valance and window sill will go in. I am also having them fix and seal the grout in the backsplash because we used a grout product that shouldn't have needed to be sealed, but alas, clearly does so we need to fix that.
Monday, April 02, 2012
Singing
Yes - I am going to write a post - that is not pictures...but one of my other main subjects; singing. (The other two I would say are grief and my kids.
As usual this time of year I am immersed in singing. The pressure is high this year though, because despite the availability of a local auditioned Chorale that sings with our Symphony, they asked our church choir to perform in a special Good Friday concert. We book the performing arts center every year for a full orchestra Christmas concert and it sells very well so I guess they thought it would be a built in crowd. Also, we can sing with an orchestra - no problem. The scary thing is the Philharmonic has a new conductor, who is Spanish and somewhat of a phenomena. And again...we are just a non-auditioned church choir. On Saturday the maestro came to our rehearsal and it was intense. According to our director it went very well, but it was hard to evaluate. He told us (in his spanish accent) that he loves choirs....but not very much. He thought we might frighten the audience with our breathing before we come in. Since he is not a choir director, he treats us like any other instrument, which means we don't get a whole lot in the way of entrances or cut-offs. Kinda scary. However, we have been preparing the heck out of this music. We have had extra section rehearsals for 6 weeks. We had 3 rehearsals (plus Sunday services) last week. We have rehearsals or church every day except for Tues. this week. We have dress rehearsals with the orchestra on Wed and Thurs and the concert is Fri. No time to rest because we go home and sleep and come back to rehearse for Easter Sat. morning then sing 4 services on Easter Sunday.
It is tiring, but awesome at the same time. I sung with symphonies as a child in children's choir but not as an adult. So that is an awesome opportunity. Easter services are always the most uplifting fun services. this year Lent has been very, very dark and so Easter Sunday is very upbeat, with several Gospel songs (that we all already know, thank goodness).
I still remember coming home from my first choir rehearsal in 2004, in the midst of Nathan's battle, traveling to NY, and 4 and 2 year old and Luke told me he couldn't remember when he had seen me so happy. It is a HUGE blessing to me to be part of such a wonderful musical and worshiping committee.
One other thing..I hesitate to write because...well you'll see why...I am told quite often (in fact just yesterday) that people love to watch me sing. At first I was flattered, then it turned into feeling like I had better live up to their expectations, to being kind of paranoid when it was at its peak of people coming up to me and wondering was I actually making a fool of myself up there in the choir loft, to being at peace with it again, because I am not putting on a show, nor trying to do anything in particular. I just love to sing and worship and I guess it shows.
As usual this time of year I am immersed in singing. The pressure is high this year though, because despite the availability of a local auditioned Chorale that sings with our Symphony, they asked our church choir to perform in a special Good Friday concert. We book the performing arts center every year for a full orchestra Christmas concert and it sells very well so I guess they thought it would be a built in crowd. Also, we can sing with an orchestra - no problem. The scary thing is the Philharmonic has a new conductor, who is Spanish and somewhat of a phenomena. And again...we are just a non-auditioned church choir. On Saturday the maestro came to our rehearsal and it was intense. According to our director it went very well, but it was hard to evaluate. He told us (in his spanish accent) that he loves choirs....but not very much. He thought we might frighten the audience with our breathing before we come in. Since he is not a choir director, he treats us like any other instrument, which means we don't get a whole lot in the way of entrances or cut-offs. Kinda scary. However, we have been preparing the heck out of this music. We have had extra section rehearsals for 6 weeks. We had 3 rehearsals (plus Sunday services) last week. We have rehearsals or church every day except for Tues. this week. We have dress rehearsals with the orchestra on Wed and Thurs and the concert is Fri. No time to rest because we go home and sleep and come back to rehearse for Easter Sat. morning then sing 4 services on Easter Sunday.
It is tiring, but awesome at the same time. I sung with symphonies as a child in children's choir but not as an adult. So that is an awesome opportunity. Easter services are always the most uplifting fun services. this year Lent has been very, very dark and so Easter Sunday is very upbeat, with several Gospel songs (that we all already know, thank goodness).
I still remember coming home from my first choir rehearsal in 2004, in the midst of Nathan's battle, traveling to NY, and 4 and 2 year old and Luke told me he couldn't remember when he had seen me so happy. It is a HUGE blessing to me to be part of such a wonderful musical and worshiping committee.
One other thing..I hesitate to write because...well you'll see why...I am told quite often (in fact just yesterday) that people love to watch me sing. At first I was flattered, then it turned into feeling like I had better live up to their expectations, to being kind of paranoid when it was at its peak of people coming up to me and wondering was I actually making a fool of myself up there in the choir loft, to being at peace with it again, because I am not putting on a show, nor trying to do anything in particular. I just love to sing and worship and I guess it shows.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
One of these things is not like the other
One of these things is not like the other...
I am biased but it seems plain to me that one of these is out of place in regards to the nature of being a follower of Jesus
E. Living in obedience to the Word of God
I am biased but it seems plain to me that one of these is out of place in regards to the nature of being a follower of Jesus
E. Living in obedience to the Word of God
Progress in holiness is an expected response of gratitude to
the grace of God, which is initiated, sustained, and fulfilled
by the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. The first re-
sponse of gratitude is prayer, and the daily discipline of prayer
– both individually and together – should mark the Christian
life. The life of prayer includes praise to God for His nature
and works, sincere confession of our sin, and intercession for
the needs of those we know and for the needs of the world.
As we practice the discipline of regular self-examination and confession, we are especially guided by the Ten Com- mandments. We therefore hold one another accountable to:
1. worship God alone, living all of life to His glory, renouncing all idolatry and all inordinate loves that might lead us to trust in any other help;
2. worship God in humility, being reticent in either describing or picturing God, recognizing that right worship is best supported not by our own innovative practices but through the living preaching of the Word and the faithful administration of the Sacraments;
As we practice the discipline of regular self-examination and confession, we are especially guided by the Ten Com- mandments. We therefore hold one another accountable to:
1. worship God alone, living all of life to His glory, renouncing all idolatry and all inordinate loves that might lead us to trust in any other help;
2. worship God in humility, being reticent in either describing or picturing God, recognizing that right worship is best supported not by our own innovative practices but through the living preaching of the Word and the faithful administration of the Sacraments;
3. eliminate from both speech and thought any
blasphemy, irreverence, or impurity;
4. observe the Sabbath as a day of worship and rest, being faithful in gathering with the people of God;
5. give honor toward those set in authority over us and practice mutual submission within the commu- nity of the church;
6. eradicate a spirit of anger, resentment, callousness, violence, or bitterness, and instead cultivate a spirit of gentleness, kindness, peace, and love; recognize and honor the image of God in every human being from conception to natural death.
7. maintain chastity in thought and deed, being faithful within the covenant of marriage between
a man and a woman as established by God at the creation or embracing a celibate life as established by Jesus in the new covenant;
8. practice right stewardship of the goods we have been given, showing charity to those in need and offering generous support of the Church and its ministries;
9. pursue truth, even when such pursuit is costly, and defend truth when it is challenged, recognizing that truth is in order to goodness and that its preservation matters;
10. resist the pull of envy, greed, and acquisition, and instead cultivate a spirit of contentment with the gifts God has given us.
In Jesus Christ we see the perfect expression of God’s holy will for human beings offered to God in our place. His holy life must now become our holy life. In Christ, God’s will is now written on our hearts, and we look forward to the day when we will be so confirmed in holiness that we will no longer be able to sin. As the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, Jesus leads us along the path of life toward that goal, bringing us into ever deeper intimacy with the Triune God, in whose presence is fullness of joy.
4. observe the Sabbath as a day of worship and rest, being faithful in gathering with the people of God;
5. give honor toward those set in authority over us and practice mutual submission within the commu- nity of the church;
6. eradicate a spirit of anger, resentment, callousness, violence, or bitterness, and instead cultivate a spirit of gentleness, kindness, peace, and love; recognize and honor the image of God in every human being from conception to natural death.
7. maintain chastity in thought and deed, being faithful within the covenant of marriage between
a man and a woman as established by God at the creation or embracing a celibate life as established by Jesus in the new covenant;
8. practice right stewardship of the goods we have been given, showing charity to those in need and offering generous support of the Church and its ministries;
9. pursue truth, even when such pursuit is costly, and defend truth when it is challenged, recognizing that truth is in order to goodness and that its preservation matters;
10. resist the pull of envy, greed, and acquisition, and instead cultivate a spirit of contentment with the gifts God has given us.
In Jesus Christ we see the perfect expression of God’s holy will for human beings offered to God in our place. His holy life must now become our holy life. In Christ, God’s will is now written on our hearts, and we look forward to the day when we will be so confirmed in holiness that we will no longer be able to sin. As the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, Jesus leads us along the path of life toward that goal, bringing us into ever deeper intimacy with the Triune God, in whose presence is fullness of joy.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Not hypothetical situation
So if you are part of an church where you are in disagreement with 88% of the people on what you feel is a minor issue, do you leave and find a different church where you agree with the majority or do you stay and stand up for what you believe? What if you are told that you can never be part of the leadership because you are not like-minded. What if you already give hours and hours of your time...but are told you can only serve in certain places. Do you stay and keep serving with a smile on your face or do you feel devalued and become disinclined to serve?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
On Blogging
I have some friends who have been discussing the possible reasons why their blogging has slowed way down. So I have been thinking about that for myself. Some reasons:
1. I feel less comfortable sharing my thoughts publicly.
I am not sure why this is. I have several times thought about protected posts or something like that. I guess I don't know who is reading and I feel more and more that as my circles expand I may say something that affects my relationships with people I come into contact with. It was far easier to blog in the day that my blog was read mostly by people I didn't know face-to-face.
2. My stage of life is transitional right now.
I am figuring out what my "stay-at-home" mom career is going to morph into now that the kids are in school full-time. I feel kind of silly writing about my life on here - like people will judge - but I think it is my own insecurities. I really should write a post on this topic.
3. It is easier to throw one sentence onto Facebook than write a whole post
I am sure there are more, but that's what I have right now. I would like to blog more, but need to figure out these issues.
1. I feel less comfortable sharing my thoughts publicly.
I am not sure why this is. I have several times thought about protected posts or something like that. I guess I don't know who is reading and I feel more and more that as my circles expand I may say something that affects my relationships with people I come into contact with. It was far easier to blog in the day that my blog was read mostly by people I didn't know face-to-face.
2. My stage of life is transitional right now.
I am figuring out what my "stay-at-home" mom career is going to morph into now that the kids are in school full-time. I feel kind of silly writing about my life on here - like people will judge - but I think it is my own insecurities. I really should write a post on this topic.
3. It is easier to throw one sentence onto Facebook than write a whole post
I am sure there are more, but that's what I have right now. I would like to blog more, but need to figure out these issues.
Friday, March 09, 2012
January and February 2012 Pictures
I have taken next to zero pictures this year. The paltry few can be viewed below. There are more pictures of my kitchen than my children...we are still in construction right now...I will post an update to that. (rss folks...pictures below)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Julia is Ten!
Julia turned ten on Sunday. We had a busy weekend so she got a three part celebration. On Friday night we went and got her ears pierced.
Saturday night I made a meal of her request: barbecue pork ribs, homemade bread and salad.
On Sunday we had dinners with friends and I brought a birthday cake along.
I took her to the Dr. today...Julia is 4' 10" (90th percentile) and 74 lbs (54th percentile) It was a quick in and out because she is doing great!
Saturday night I made a meal of her request: barbecue pork ribs, homemade bread and salad.
On Sunday we had dinners with friends and I brought a birthday cake along.
I took her to the Dr. today...Julia is 4' 10" (90th percentile) and 74 lbs (54th percentile) It was a quick in and out because she is doing great!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Kitchen post #1
We are redoing our kitchen. Yes, it is exciting, but yes, the expense gives me nightmares. There is a hole in the cabinet under the sink. It is leaking water into the laundry room - but I caught it fairly quickly and put a mat on the bottom of the cabinet and so no more leaking. The leaking itself is just the standard sink leakage from the pull-out faucet. In the past there have been other more major leaks under there. The cabinet holding our dishes has a shelf that is sagging dangerously. I hope it can hold out a few more weeks and all my dishes don't break. The tile floor has at least 8 cracked tiles. There are other problems...so onward we go with the remodel.
I wrote a post about the kitchen a few years ago here. And yes, when the kitchen is done we will have to keep it neater.
The cabinets are ordered...they are a medium maple. They will go all the way to the ceiling with crown molding. We are tearing out the closet-style pantry and putting in a pull-out cabinet.
I am trying to figure out countertops...was going to do quartz..now leaning towards granite because I haven't found a quartz I like.
Anyway...stay tuned for updates..the cabinets are due to come in on Feb. 22.
I wrote a post about the kitchen a few years ago here. And yes, when the kitchen is done we will have to keep it neater.
The cabinets are ordered...they are a medium maple. They will go all the way to the ceiling with crown molding. We are tearing out the closet-style pantry and putting in a pull-out cabinet.
I am trying to figure out countertops...was going to do quartz..now leaning towards granite because I haven't found a quartz I like.
Anyway...stay tuned for updates..the cabinets are due to come in on Feb. 22.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Annual Lauren doctor post
I have a nice history about freaking out about Lauren's health and her slight size and pale complexion.
It has been pretty good lately - it used to be an every 6 month thing to so.
I took her in for her 6 year old well-child visit.
As usual - she is small - right on her curve though!
She is 38 pounds (9th percentile)
45 inches (48th percentile)
13.1 BMI (3rd percentile)
She has been complaining of a stomach ache on a daily basis, so I brought that up. We talked about bowels and diet and didn't see any red flags. There is a x-ray machine right in the office so we went down the hall and Lauren had an X-ray of her abdomen. The tech looked at the images and then came in and quizzed me about what her specific complaints were and asked if she had much vomiting and nausea. The would be red flag #1 - the tech coming back and asking questions AFTER looking at the scans.
The her doctor went to look and took 15 minutes - which was red flag #2 because why on earth would it take that long.
I was trying not to worry - but after standing next to Lauren in the x-ray room too many flashbacks were occurring.
I was waiting for red flag #3, perhaps being asked to step out of the room or her doctor not looking at me in the eye when she came back in, but she finally arrived.
Despite normal bowel habits and bowel sounds, it seems Lauren is "backed up" quite far. I questioned the doctor how she knew it was poop (and not something else was the unspoken question). She told me it is distinctive looking.
So - I will put her on fiber for now. She eats tons of fruits and veggies as it is, so a diet change can't really help. We will then consider testing her for celiac and food allergies if she is still having the stomach aches after a month or so.
Here are some old posts about her doctor visits and size...if interested.
5 years Lauren 5 year stats
4 years Little Lauren stats
3 years Lauren's Appointment
2 years Little Lauren
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Christmas Pictures over the years
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| December 2011 |
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| December 2010 |
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| December 2009 (same dresses as year before) |
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| December 2008 |
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| December 2007 |
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| December 2007 |
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| December 2006 |
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| December 2005 |
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| December 2004 |
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| December 2004 |
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| December 2003 (in New York City) |
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| December 2002 |
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| December 2001 |
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| December 2000 |
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| December 1997 |
Saturday, January 07, 2012
December 2011
Happy New Year!
December was a good and busy month. You'll notice the lack of Dance pictures this year. Neither girl is doing dance. Julia chose Musical Theater (see pictures from last month where she is dressed in a hat - she is a Newsie) Lauren decided that rushing off to ballet right after a full day of school didn't suit her. The second Monday she started crying right off the bus and asked if she had to go right to dance. She is doing full-day kindergarten, violin, and children's choir at church and that is enough for now. She would love to be taking swimming lessons but we cannot fit them into the schedule because they are either twice a week after school or Saturday mornings, and both girls have group music lessons most Sat. mornings.
I was busy with my choir's annual large Christmas Concert and then the usual December rush, along with a little bit of work.
Luke's parents came out for Christmas and we had a wonderful time with them. I rounded out the year with the NOON Year's Eve event for the Children's Museum we are trying to build here in town.
As far as grief goes - this Christmas season was easier to handle than previous Christmases, and I am grateful for that.
(rss readers...slideshow below)
December was a good and busy month. You'll notice the lack of Dance pictures this year. Neither girl is doing dance. Julia chose Musical Theater (see pictures from last month where she is dressed in a hat - she is a Newsie) Lauren decided that rushing off to ballet right after a full day of school didn't suit her. The second Monday she started crying right off the bus and asked if she had to go right to dance. She is doing full-day kindergarten, violin, and children's choir at church and that is enough for now. She would love to be taking swimming lessons but we cannot fit them into the schedule because they are either twice a week after school or Saturday mornings, and both girls have group music lessons most Sat. mornings.
I was busy with my choir's annual large Christmas Concert and then the usual December rush, along with a little bit of work.
Luke's parents came out for Christmas and we had a wonderful time with them. I rounded out the year with the NOON Year's Eve event for the Children's Museum we are trying to build here in town.
As far as grief goes - this Christmas season was easier to handle than previous Christmases, and I am grateful for that.
(rss readers...slideshow below)
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
November 2011 Pictures
Another month gone by...
November was a busy one. It was full of performances and rehearsals for the girls and I. Lauren turned six. My brothers and parents came during Thanksgiving week.
Here's the proof! Though it seems I didn't really take pictures of all the performances.
(slideshow below)
November was a busy one. It was full of performances and rehearsals for the girls and I. Lauren turned six. My brothers and parents came during Thanksgiving week.
Here's the proof! Though it seems I didn't really take pictures of all the performances.
(slideshow below)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The what I have been up to lately, with pictures, post will occur in a day or two. This is more about the everyday stuff.
Well, it was going to be anyway. I started to type it up and realized how ridiculous it all sounded. One of the things I plan to do before January is to figure out why I am busy...or at least feel so busy. That sounds stupid, too. I think that the reality is that I am involved with many small to medium sized things, and my brain is not sorting it all out well. Today I am fairly un-busy. I set my alarm for 6:30 and woke up Lauren so she could get ready for school and then she practiced violin, which is a another post in the making, because she and I have been struggling, so it wasn't the most fun morning activity. Luke took the girls to the bus and I got dressed and sorted through a few things to get ready for my day. I went to downtown at 9:15 for a meeting for the children's museum that we are trying to build, until about 11:30. I went and grabbed Jimmy John's for Luke and I and stopped by someone's office at church to talk to them about their other job, for which I wanted to hire them on for a children's museum event. I then went to an hourlong meeting at church. At 1:30 we were done so I headed to a part of town with lots of little shops and tried to Christmas shop. I gave up and went to a coffee shop, where I am now. I will leave soon to be home in time to meet the school bus. Normally on Wednesdays, we are off to church for dinner and children's choirs, but we are don for the semester, so this is why I can relax this afternoon, instead of prepared and I don't have to hurry the kids with homework and instrument practice after school today either, which is nice.
I guess I envisioned generally freer days than I have. I am just involved in a lot, I guess.
Children's Museum (2 hours a week or so)
Little Job (2 hours a week or so)
Choir (included driving time, 7 hours a week normally, more than that around holidays)
Children's Choir (3-4 hours a week)
Bible Study (3 hours a week or more, depending now much study I do)
Help at school (1.5 hours a week)
Helping Lauren practice/lessons (3-4 hours a week)
Well, it was going to be anyway. I started to type it up and realized how ridiculous it all sounded. One of the things I plan to do before January is to figure out why I am busy...or at least feel so busy. That sounds stupid, too. I think that the reality is that I am involved with many small to medium sized things, and my brain is not sorting it all out well. Today I am fairly un-busy. I set my alarm for 6:30 and woke up Lauren so she could get ready for school and then she practiced violin, which is a another post in the making, because she and I have been struggling, so it wasn't the most fun morning activity. Luke took the girls to the bus and I got dressed and sorted through a few things to get ready for my day. I went to downtown at 9:15 for a meeting for the children's museum that we are trying to build, until about 11:30. I went and grabbed Jimmy John's for Luke and I and stopped by someone's office at church to talk to them about their other job, for which I wanted to hire them on for a children's museum event. I then went to an hourlong meeting at church. At 1:30 we were done so I headed to a part of town with lots of little shops and tried to Christmas shop. I gave up and went to a coffee shop, where I am now. I will leave soon to be home in time to meet the school bus. Normally on Wednesdays, we are off to church for dinner and children's choirs, but we are don for the semester, so this is why I can relax this afternoon, instead of prepared and I don't have to hurry the kids with homework and instrument practice after school today either, which is nice.
I guess I envisioned generally freer days than I have. I am just involved in a lot, I guess.
Children's Museum (2 hours a week or so)
Little Job (2 hours a week or so)
Choir (included driving time, 7 hours a week normally, more than that around holidays)
Children's Choir (3-4 hours a week)
Bible Study (3 hours a week or more, depending now much study I do)
Help at school (1.5 hours a week)
Helping Lauren practice/lessons (3-4 hours a week)
Monday, November 28, 2011
Five years ago
December 2006 Julia, Lauren and I flew home from NY, where Lauren and I had been since September with Nathan. I took this picture of Julia and Lauren probably before going to church. Lauren is wearing that dress now. How time flies...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
October 2011 Pictures
I really need to recap, so, briefly:
Lauren lost her two top teeth ("lost" being not quite correct because Luke pulled one and I pulled the other when they were so loose they had to come out. Lauren wasn't terribly happy with us but got over it quickly)
We went on a "hike", which was more of a walk, with our friends and took some family pictures.
I went to California to visit my sister-friend Lisa.
Luke was gone for a week on business.
Halloween!
Oh - and I forgot to do Sept. pictures though there are not many - see them here.
Lauren lost her two top teeth ("lost" being not quite correct because Luke pulled one and I pulled the other when they were so loose they had to come out. Lauren wasn't terribly happy with us but got over it quickly)
We went on a "hike", which was more of a walk, with our friends and took some family pictures.
I went to California to visit my sister-friend Lisa.
Luke was gone for a week on business.
Halloween!
Oh - and I forgot to do Sept. pictures though there are not many - see them here.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Different Families
Something that has been breaking my heart lately.
Julia's family: Mommy and Daddy and Nathan and Lauren
Lauren's family: Mommy, Daddy and Julia.
No Nathan. She is learning to write - she writes about all of us but not him. Her "My Family" project for school, - no Nathan. I didn't ask, didn't push. I just asked it there were any other pictures she wanted. I then asked if she wanted any pictures from when she was younger and she said no. So that's it.
I don't blame her. She was only 20 months old when he died. He is just an idea to her. He is a stranger in pictures. I just wish she understood how much he loved and adored her and that she does have a big brother.
I just makes me really sad.
Julia's family: Mommy and Daddy and Nathan and Lauren
Lauren's family: Mommy, Daddy and Julia.
No Nathan. She is learning to write - she writes about all of us but not him. Her "My Family" project for school, - no Nathan. I didn't ask, didn't push. I just asked it there were any other pictures she wanted. I then asked if she wanted any pictures from when she was younger and she said no. So that's it.
I don't blame her. She was only 20 months old when he died. He is just an idea to her. He is a stranger in pictures. I just wish she understood how much he loved and adored her and that she does have a big brother.
I just makes me really sad.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Anesthesia Joke Repost
With all the Propofol in the news these days it made me want to repost this. Nathan received propofol for most of his bone marrow aspirations and biopsies. Sometimes they let me be in the room with him and they would push it and he would be asleep instantly.
Nathan: I know why it is called propofol !
Me: Why?
Nathan: because when they give it to you it makes you FALL asleep and then you wake up and try to walk and you FALL down.
I had Nathan tell the anesthesiologist who said it was her first propofol joke. It is cuter coming out of Nathan because he says "purplefall" instead of "pro.poe.fall"
Nathan: I know why it is called propofol !
Me: Why?
Nathan: because when they give it to you it makes you FALL asleep and then you wake up and try to walk and you FALL down.
I had Nathan tell the anesthesiologist who said it was her first propofol joke. It is cuter coming out of Nathan because he says "purplefall" instead of "pro.poe.fall"
Saturday, October 01, 2011
September 2011 Pictures
Hmm - sees like I forgot to post September pictures...I am going to backdate this post though!
What did we do in September? I cannot recall! It looks like I had a birthday and we went to an Air Force football game.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
39
So, yesterday I turned 39. A week ago or so Luke and I celebrated 14 years of marriage.
We are terrible in the household about celebrating anything that isn't Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter.
On our anniversary, Luke had meetings all day and an dinner/evening meeting at church where he had to present something and I was sick. Needless to say, we didn't celebrate. Luckily we had an impromptu lunch out the day before.
On my birthday I had a meeting and Luke met me for lunch and then we went to church after school (after arguing with Lauren about her violin practice with which she was having a hard time taking my coaching). We had dinner at church and then worked with the kindergarten choir. I am directing it this year so I asked them to sing me happy birthday :)
Luke and I have agreed that next year we celebrate big for 40 and for 15 years of marriage and then when his turn comes for 40 we celebrate that too. We have a tentative plan for a large awesome trip with my parents that may span our anniversary and my birthday (which is also my mom's birthday) so that would certainly be great.
It is good that Luke and I are compatible in our celebrating styles but sometimes that means we could both use a kick in the rear because we tend not to celebrate things and while that is fine, on the other hand, why not celebrate things? We need excuses to celebrate and have fun from time to time. We are so busy and we also purposely ignored some celebrations soon after Nathan died because they were so painful that we have gotten into a rut.
So - I hope to report some fun celebrations this time next year!
We are terrible in the household about celebrating anything that isn't Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter.
On our anniversary, Luke had meetings all day and an dinner/evening meeting at church where he had to present something and I was sick. Needless to say, we didn't celebrate. Luckily we had an impromptu lunch out the day before.
On my birthday I had a meeting and Luke met me for lunch and then we went to church after school (after arguing with Lauren about her violin practice with which she was having a hard time taking my coaching). We had dinner at church and then worked with the kindergarten choir. I am directing it this year so I asked them to sing me happy birthday :)
Luke and I have agreed that next year we celebrate big for 40 and for 15 years of marriage and then when his turn comes for 40 we celebrate that too. We have a tentative plan for a large awesome trip with my parents that may span our anniversary and my birthday (which is also my mom's birthday) so that would certainly be great.
It is good that Luke and I are compatible in our celebrating styles but sometimes that means we could both use a kick in the rear because we tend not to celebrate things and while that is fine, on the other hand, why not celebrate things? We need excuses to celebrate and have fun from time to time. We are so busy and we also purposely ignored some celebrations soon after Nathan died because they were so painful that we have gotten into a rut.
So - I hope to report some fun celebrations this time next year!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Life now
So - there has now been month of school already! A month in which the girls leave the house at 8:00 and return at 3:45. It is a new stage of life for me. Last year with four half days a week for Lauren we were so busy during the day. She needed things to keep her occupied the other half of the day.
The first weeks have been pretty busy for me actually. My parents were here at the beginning and then I started cramming for Mendelsson's Elijah, which the choir had been working on all summer while I was traveling and otherwise unable to rehearse. I was also preparing to direct the kindergarten choir this year and going to more meetings than usual for the Children's Museum as there is some really great momentum going on there. Dropped into the middle of these weeks was a job opportunity as well.
So, I sit here in the middle of September. Elijah was on the 11th and went really well. It is the most demanding piece of music I have ever sung, partly because it is 2.5 hours of singing and also because it is just difficult music. I was on the verge of giving up but I am glad I stuck with it. There were many hours of rehearsal at church as well as at home. We are back to normal choir hours but only for a month because we will start working hard for our Christmas concert very soon. I am blessed to be part of such a large talented choir.
The first kindergarten choir night was on Wednesday. I had a lesson plan and it actually worked very well. I have been helping in that choir for a few years now so I knew what to expect. I have never directed anything before though. Fortunately it went as well as possible. Going forward it should be less stressful.
The Children's Museum project is gaining momentum on two independent fronts that should converge next month and could really make the museum a reality. It is fascinating to have in inside look at how this city works, who makes it happen, and see such exciting visions for the future. We've had nothing but negative for a few years.
Through a connection I was offered a very small bookkeeping/administrative job that I will do from home for just 3 hours a week or so. It will start in October and I am excited about tipping my big toe back out into the working world. I had assumed I would have to start at something outside my field so it is great that it involves a teeny bit of accounting. It is a far cry from my last job as a CFO but that is just fine for now! I think there will be similar opportunities in the future, and there are even a few possibilities cropping up, but this job is fine for now.
I will also be helping out at the school and perhaps some volunteering in the children's music ministry office at church. Luke and I are also on the Stewardship committee which will be busy in October. Oh, and I am starting to attend Tuesday morning women's bible study.
The girls are continuing their music lessons and are both making great strides. Lauren is dropping ballet but she really wants to add swimming. Swimming is twice a week after school though, so hard to fit in to our schedule. She may have to wait for spring. Lauren has been pretty tired getting used to full day school. Julia has a musical theater class in addition to her cello and she loves it. They will be doing excerpts from Newsies. Both girls are in choirs at church while Luke and I are doing the kindergarten choir.
So - life is busy, and good. This morning I am still in PJs with a few errands to run and tasks to complete but I am feeling pretty lucky to have this down time. Luke is working very hard, as usual, at work.
Oh, and yes, I wish I had a sixth grade boy's schedule to add into this mix.
The first weeks have been pretty busy for me actually. My parents were here at the beginning and then I started cramming for Mendelsson's Elijah, which the choir had been working on all summer while I was traveling and otherwise unable to rehearse. I was also preparing to direct the kindergarten choir this year and going to more meetings than usual for the Children's Museum as there is some really great momentum going on there. Dropped into the middle of these weeks was a job opportunity as well.
So, I sit here in the middle of September. Elijah was on the 11th and went really well. It is the most demanding piece of music I have ever sung, partly because it is 2.5 hours of singing and also because it is just difficult music. I was on the verge of giving up but I am glad I stuck with it. There were many hours of rehearsal at church as well as at home. We are back to normal choir hours but only for a month because we will start working hard for our Christmas concert very soon. I am blessed to be part of such a large talented choir.
The first kindergarten choir night was on Wednesday. I had a lesson plan and it actually worked very well. I have been helping in that choir for a few years now so I knew what to expect. I have never directed anything before though. Fortunately it went as well as possible. Going forward it should be less stressful.
The Children's Museum project is gaining momentum on two independent fronts that should converge next month and could really make the museum a reality. It is fascinating to have in inside look at how this city works, who makes it happen, and see such exciting visions for the future. We've had nothing but negative for a few years.
Through a connection I was offered a very small bookkeeping/administrative job that I will do from home for just 3 hours a week or so. It will start in October and I am excited about tipping my big toe back out into the working world. I had assumed I would have to start at something outside my field so it is great that it involves a teeny bit of accounting. It is a far cry from my last job as a CFO but that is just fine for now! I think there will be similar opportunities in the future, and there are even a few possibilities cropping up, but this job is fine for now.
I will also be helping out at the school and perhaps some volunteering in the children's music ministry office at church. Luke and I are also on the Stewardship committee which will be busy in October. Oh, and I am starting to attend Tuesday morning women's bible study.
The girls are continuing their music lessons and are both making great strides. Lauren is dropping ballet but she really wants to add swimming. Swimming is twice a week after school though, so hard to fit in to our schedule. She may have to wait for spring. Lauren has been pretty tired getting used to full day school. Julia has a musical theater class in addition to her cello and she loves it. They will be doing excerpts from Newsies. Both girls are in choirs at church while Luke and I are doing the kindergarten choir.
So - life is busy, and good. This morning I am still in PJs with a few errands to run and tasks to complete but I am feeling pretty lucky to have this down time. Luke is working very hard, as usual, at work.
Oh, and yes, I wish I had a sixth grade boy's schedule to add into this mix.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Vivid dream
I often write about Nathan dreams..this wasn't one. I also often have dreams where I die - this one is different. This dream woke me up a 6:22 this morning.
It was widely circulating that the world was going to end. I sort of believed it but was skeptical as well. I dropped of Lauren at Luke's parents house and told her I would come back to get her later. I then was driving north on I-25 and I called Luke because it was almost the supposed time for the world to end. I told him kind of lightly it was almost time and we kind of laughed but then ahead of me I saw the city just collapsing in flames and I told him that it was happening and I told him I loved him but I was very calm and at peace. I had a sensation of falling and falling and falling and as I fell I cried out to Jesus, but not in fear, in anticipation and love.
Then, I woke up.
Wow - I have just never had a dream like that that involved my faith. It was not a nightmare, per se, but it certainly rattled me enough to wake up, and I supposed the dream had to end because when I was done falling, I would have been dead.
It is one of those that is still with me, many hours later...
Friday, September 09, 2011
August 2011 Pictures
Where has time gone? We returned home to Colorado from Illinois on August 1. It was our hottest drive through Kansas...112 degrees on the van's thermometer...crazy!
We came home and started to get ready for school ahead of my parents' arrival. They were here for five days and we had a wonderful time doing summer activities. The last time they were here in the summer was the summer Nathan died and of course we weren't doing anything fun. In fact, the many preceding summers that they visited were all to help us out with Nathan and the girls and so we really never had a chance to do anything outside.
We went to parks and the zoo an we had a wonderful outside german meal at a restaurant. The weather was simply perfect.
School began the day before they left and activities begun to commence and August ended with our lives back in school year mode. Both girls are gone from 8 - 3:45. I will write more in an upcoming post about what I am doing with my newfound time this year.
As you will see we managed a family hike to a waterfall and I also went downtown to see the prologue of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge - that was really cool.
(slideshow below not visible on rss)
We came home and started to get ready for school ahead of my parents' arrival. They were here for five days and we had a wonderful time doing summer activities. The last time they were here in the summer was the summer Nathan died and of course we weren't doing anything fun. In fact, the many preceding summers that they visited were all to help us out with Nathan and the girls and so we really never had a chance to do anything outside.
We went to parks and the zoo an we had a wonderful outside german meal at a restaurant. The weather was simply perfect.
School began the day before they left and activities begun to commence and August ended with our lives back in school year mode. Both girls are gone from 8 - 3:45. I will write more in an upcoming post about what I am doing with my newfound time this year.
As you will see we managed a family hike to a waterfall and I also went downtown to see the prologue of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge - that was really cool.
(slideshow below not visible on rss)
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Candy Pants
Candy Pants is what I call these pajama pants. I rarely wear them - they are high waters now, but they are really comfortable. I grabbed them out of my drawer the other day and have been wearing them this week.
Why am I blogging about them?
They are full of memories. Five years ago Nathan and I went to New York city to stay for about 10 days and have him start a new clinical trial. So new, he was the first human to try it. The doctor in charge of the research told us it it could be "a cure".
After the first treatment and we were getting close to our return date we had an appointment where the doctor told us that he really didn't want Nathan to go home because no one had ever had this treatment before they were concerned about unknown side effects. I still remember the call home to talk to Luke about it.
So - we didn't go home (not until December). Fall came to New York City and all I had packed were summer clothes. I went to Old Navy to do a little shopping and bought the candy pants (since Halloween was the next holiday and so they were the cheapest long pajama pants they had). Luke and Julia eventually came to visit with some more clothes for Nathan and I, but I must not have requested any more pajama pants because I wore the candy pants every single night.
It is hard to believe that was 5 years ago. There are so many memories. I was just remembering when Nathan was in the hellish in-patient run there and we just scanned him and he had progressed on treatment. He was neutropenic and his counts were not coming back. They were insisting on giving him shots to raise his counts even though the medicine could be given by IV. They felt it was more effective in the shot form. That day, I knew there would be no cure for Nathan. I grabbed one of the residents and pleaded for the IV form. I heard the usual spiel about shot versus IV. and I told them that he had this scan and that I felt he was now terminal and I was not going to allow him to give him a shot when he could have an IV. I had turned the corner from trying to save him to preserving his quality of life.
Now I remember why that memory came up. Luke and I were discussing the fact that we never had "the talk" (for you non-cancer parents that would be the your-child-is-going-to-die talk). We realized we didn't need the talk because we had been running the show and making the decisions for quite a while and so we could see that when the last great attempt was made, and his bone marrow could not longer handle chemo, and his disease was still progressing, that it was the end. No doctor had to tell us that. I am glad for that. We didn't give up - we then researched all other available trials at the time and had phone calls with the famous Dr. S. in Vermont who rescued several children and Nathan just couldn't do what was mandatory chemo for that trial at the time.
Anyway..so the candy pants...you see how no memories are simple when it comes to what we have been through. So many things are chained together. I don't mind wearing them..I am sure I snuggled with Nathan while I had them on.
Why am I blogging about them?
They are full of memories. Five years ago Nathan and I went to New York city to stay for about 10 days and have him start a new clinical trial. So new, he was the first human to try it. The doctor in charge of the research told us it it could be "a cure".
After the first treatment and we were getting close to our return date we had an appointment where the doctor told us that he really didn't want Nathan to go home because no one had ever had this treatment before they were concerned about unknown side effects. I still remember the call home to talk to Luke about it.
So - we didn't go home (not until December). Fall came to New York City and all I had packed were summer clothes. I went to Old Navy to do a little shopping and bought the candy pants (since Halloween was the next holiday and so they were the cheapest long pajama pants they had). Luke and Julia eventually came to visit with some more clothes for Nathan and I, but I must not have requested any more pajama pants because I wore the candy pants every single night.
It is hard to believe that was 5 years ago. There are so many memories. I was just remembering when Nathan was in the hellish in-patient run there and we just scanned him and he had progressed on treatment. He was neutropenic and his counts were not coming back. They were insisting on giving him shots to raise his counts even though the medicine could be given by IV. They felt it was more effective in the shot form. That day, I knew there would be no cure for Nathan. I grabbed one of the residents and pleaded for the IV form. I heard the usual spiel about shot versus IV. and I told them that he had this scan and that I felt he was now terminal and I was not going to allow him to give him a shot when he could have an IV. I had turned the corner from trying to save him to preserving his quality of life.
Now I remember why that memory came up. Luke and I were discussing the fact that we never had "the talk" (for you non-cancer parents that would be the your-child-is-going-to-die talk). We realized we didn't need the talk because we had been running the show and making the decisions for quite a while and so we could see that when the last great attempt was made, and his bone marrow could not longer handle chemo, and his disease was still progressing, that it was the end. No doctor had to tell us that. I am glad for that. We didn't give up - we then researched all other available trials at the time and had phone calls with the famous Dr. S. in Vermont who rescued several children and Nathan just couldn't do what was mandatory chemo for that trial at the time.
Anyway..so the candy pants...you see how no memories are simple when it comes to what we have been through. So many things are chained together. I don't mind wearing them..I am sure I snuggled with Nathan while I had them on.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Kindergarten!
Lauren went off to Kindergarten this morning! I finally got to send two kids together on the bus - four years later than it was supposed to happen. Nathan should have been off to his first day of middle school today.
Pictures over the years...
Pictures over the years...
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