In my previous post about remembrances I forgot to mention that Nathan was diagnosed five years ago today. Accordingly - the whole April Fools thing rings hollow with me and I like to avoid any of those activities.
April 1, 2003 was the worst day of my life. I rank it #1 because that is the day that my life changed and I no longer took for granted that I would see my children live to be adults. I had to stomach the reality of forcing my child to undergo painful procedures and treatments. I had to hold him down - I had to change his life and tell him that there was no choice, these horrible things had to be done to him and even I, his mother, could do nothing about it and had to be a part of the painful process. The day Nathan died was a very bad day, but certainly not the worst day. The days before were just as bad - if not worse.
It was a snowy and gray morning and I was kind of happy for that. I also made an unplanned stop to his onoclogy clinic - I'll get to that in a minute. Yesterday I went to the hazardous waste collection site with a garbage bag full of medicines. These were not the type of medicines I felt OK about throwing away. I was able to dispose of them but it took time because I had to empty them all out and get rid of identifying labels. They were nice and let me put some things in as long as I didn't tell them what there were (narcotics). They said if I did and they knew I they would have to call in the drug enforcement agency. The one thing they wouldn't take was unused IV chemo. They told me it was slightly radioactive. Great...I can put it into my child but can't dispose of it at the hazardous waste collection site. So - I put it back into my trunk and as I left church this morning I had to go a different way because of the traffic and I realized I was very close to the clinic. I brought it to them and they were happy to take it from me and dispose of it.
Five years ago....
There are two little boys I know well who are celebrating 5 years since diagnosis with their families. We all went through treatment together at MSKCC. Garrett and Joshua continue to be in remission. Thank God some children survive this. I wish Nathan could have been one of them.
7 comments:
A neighbor who donated to St. Baldrick's told me that he's going to shave next year. Another man came by my desk at work today and took a Baldrick's flier. Nathan's cancer is broadening the awareness and the fight. Perhaps that's no comfort, but it's a good thing.
I also donated last month to pediatric cancer research. Nathan and his story is never far from my thoughts. Chronically his journey has touched more people than you will ever realize.
Remembering you all on such a horrible anniversary.
I wish Nathan was one of them, too. I remember you posting about Nathan's cancer in our playgroup board - and I never, ever passed another April 1st without thinking of you. The same will be for July 29th as well... I wrote on the Caringbridge guest book, too, so sorry if this is redundant, but we are thinking of you...
What a horrible April 1 story. . .and I can't think of a more vivid line than your one about they will put this in my child but not at the toxic waste disposal site. That says it all in the grimmest way possible.
Thinking of all the Gentrys today.
VB
erinbuenger.blogspot.com
Just letting you know our prayers are with you guys.
Oh Susan. I am so sorry. Sorry that Nathan is gone, sorry that you have to live without him, sorry that every day brings something else that makes your journey that much harder. I am always thinking of you. (((HUGS)))
Jamie
I love you.
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