One on one

I am spending some time alone with Nathan (well with Lauren too - but she can't talk) for the next few days while Luke and Julia are in Chicago. It is strange because Nathan and I have spent lots of time alone together but it has always been treatment related. In a lot of ways I wish I was the one alone with Julia. I really don't know her nearly as intimately as I know Nathan. I don't know her as a person apart from her brother. This is something that has bothered me for a long time. Sometimes I observe her in a way that makes me feel like I am a stranger watching someone else's child. She was 15 months old when Nathan was diagnosed and she was my BABY. Our bond was so strong. Unfortunately when Nathan was diagnosed I literally felt something break inside me and I didn't even want to see her. It was my way of dealing with the most horrifying of news. I think my gut reaction was that I could no longer let myself have such strong feelings about Julia because the pain of losing her would be unbearable. Until Nathan was diagnosed I had never really imagined losing a child and the shock of finding out I might ( or probably) lose Nathan really changed me. It was not a change for the better but it was a change that let me cope and function the way I needed to. Now, three years later I realize the toll it has taken on me. Everyone tells me how great I have done but they don't see the struggle inside.

I am planning on taking some steps to address my emotional health. I am hoping it is not too late to undo some of the damage.

Luke called me in the middle of my writing this. He and Julia are doing great. He told me that when they started pulling out of the driveway this afternoon she began to cry. I have to admit that really surprised me. I don't know why that should suprise me but I just don't realize the extent of her love for me and I suppose that is a big piece of what I have just been writing about.

Sigh.