Clumsy

I can kind of shake my head about this now but during the week of the  anniversary of Nathan's diagnosis when I was already a bit on edge, the middle school counselor called me.  She called to tell me that Julia's teachers were worried about the number of times she falls down in school.

We already knew Julia was a bit clumsy but what the school was telling me was a different level of clumsy.  They said she fell getting up, sitting down, and sometimes when she was just sitting at her desk.  Sometimes multiple times a day.

We decided to just observe her for the next several days until her appointment the next week.  We saw nothing.

So, the day before the appointment, after she had gotten through an important audition, I talked to her about it.

She was pretty mortified and described the different things that happen to her.  Mostly, that she has size 10 feet, is 5'8" and gets tangled getting in and out of the desks and picnic tables she sits at.  She also falls if she drops her pencil and tries to reach under her chair to get it.  She sometimes trips up the stairs as well.

I took her to the doctor who did some small tests but agreed that she's just growing fast, and bigger than her peers.  She's 99% for her height.  If she stops growing she'll still be in the top 95% in height of all women.

I asked her to think a bit before she gets up.  She does tend to be over-eager at times and I think she jumps up before her body is ready.  Her school is an art-integrated school where they are very hands on and constantly getting up and about during class time.

I know, by now, I can't react regularly to medical things with my kids.  So I guess I handled it all ok for me.  I'm glad she is A OK.

Spring Break 2015

We've been wanting to visit New Orleans to see my sister-in-law, Anna, for a few years but had been dissuaded by the high air fares and finding time to visit.  I finally looked it up and discovered it was a 18-19 hour drive for us.   Luke discovered he had enough points from business travel for a free hotel and so we were set.

We were able to leave on a Thursday morning due to school conference schedules and so we drove about 12 hours on Thursday and then Friday drove part of the way and stopped for lunch in Lafayette to have lunch with friends there.  They told us about a very large, very old live oak nearby so we stopped by to see it.

After that we were off to New Orleans.  We arrived and quickly discovered how hard it is to navigate the busy one way downtown streets but we got to our hotel and Anna came to meet us.  We walked down to the river.  There was a riverboat that had a steam powered calliope.  There was a very lengthy recital and after we got over the inherent flat notes it produced we really enjoyed seeing and hearing it.  It was something I had never seen before so that's always cool.   Here's someone else's video if it.

We had dinner and then some beignets for dessert.

On Saturday we took the streetcar to Anna's place.  We then got back on the streetcar to go to City Park.  We needed some breakfast and so sampled our second beignet joint.  We walked around the park and Anna took us to see the "Singing Oak" a tree with giant windchimes.  It was awesome.  Here's a little video clip.

We hung out under the tree for a long time.  It was supremely relaxing.

We walked a little more and then headed out to get some po'boys for lunch.  We stood in a really long line and the food was well worth it.  It was the first of many outdoor meals we had, which was wonderful in and of itself.  

We headed back down the french quarter to our hotel and relaxed for a bit.  We then picked a restaurant on the St. Charles streetcar line.  The streetcars are older and the windows open.  It was a beautiful night so we enjoyed the ride and then had another meal outside.

Our ride back was slightly less lovely...the streetcars were all very full and we squeezed ourselves on only to discover a large bachelorette party on board.  They were very loud and decided to scream at the top of their lungs every time the lights onboard blinked.  It was...an experience anyway!  We got back to the hotel and Luke and Anna went to go get a distinctly New Orleans drink at the bar that originated it - a Sazerac.

Sunday we slept in and headed back out towards Anna's for brunch.  We had a great meal (mine had a fried green tomato) and then we decided to go see the garden district.  We stopped for some refreshments and then went to a nearby old cemetery.  Julia's ankled had pretty much had enough walking at this point (she has flat feet...custom orthotics..but a lot of walking still hurts her).  We went to go catch a streetcar but they were so full they wouldn't even stop.  We decided to get on the wrong way and then catch one further down the line.  We eventually did so and then headed back to the hotel for a rest and then brought some dinner in.

Monday, after a third beignet joint sampling,  we went to a state park with a swamp and bayous.  After some navigational challenges we arrived and walked for a bit.  There was an elevated boardwalk to walk on in the swamp. We saw some gators and and interesting birds along with the cool swamp vegetation.

We left the park to go an a swamp boat tour.  We saw lots of gators and Julia and Luke even held a young one.

We went back to the park to go on a different trail and had a wonderful time.  Our favorite times as a family are always walks/hikes like these.

We drove back to the city and met Anna for a drink and then had some dinner.  

Tuesday we had a leisurely morning and a nice brunch followed by a walk down by the river and a visit to some of the historic museums.  

We headed back to pack up and have one last meal with Anna.  We had some po'boys again.  We all agreed they weren't as good as the first place but had another beautiful night to eat outside.

Wednesday and Thursday we drove back home.  Lots of Texas in that drive!

It was a fabulous trip!

Small wins

Luke's been gone for work this week.  These were my small victories...

1.  I helped with linear algebra homework twice! I normally stay clear and everyone is happier that I do, but I knew this week's work.  Yay!

2.  Successfully navigated the weeks activity schedule solo.  It's built so it can be done but it is a pain.  Highlights include Wednesday...Take Julia (with Lauren in tow) at 7:00 am to school across town (turning around once to get forgotten dress clothes) drive back home.  Take Lauren to her bus and drive back into rush hour and go downtown to work.  Come home from work, get Lauren from bus and drive to Julia's school for a orchestra performance (dinner included at least). Rush downtown to church for choir rehearsals for all three of us.  Drive home.  Violin practice was not achieved that day but we made it everywhere pretty much on time and I got my work done so that was good.  Monday was also a record setting day for number of round trips...but most of them were very close to home. Lauren helpfully pointed out to me that I drove to and from her school 3 times today.

3.  Did all the laundry, but did not fold it...yet...the night is still young!  (kidding...not gonna happen)

Anyway...it's pretty silly - I've got it easy but it was the homework victory that made my night.  Especially since Lauren then asked me to teach her long division.  I taught her and warned her common core probably won't do it the way I do it but they are both right!

Grief - almost 8 years later

It's really, really, hard to think it has been almost 8 years. It's actually pretty depressing. Time does have a way of marching on. So what does grief look like now? I'd say it has stabilized. It hasn't changed for many years and I don't expect it to. As I have been contemplating this post I ran across this quote from a TV show

"I used to assume that grief was something inside that you could fight and vanquish, but it’s not. It’s an external thing, like a shadow. You can’t escape it, you just have to live with it. And it doesn’t grow any smaller. You just come to accept that it’s there…." — "Broadchurch"

I think that is very true.  I'm sad every single day.  That doesn't also mean I'm not happy every single day.  Tears come to my eyes all the time...I don't often let them out but they are there.  It's not possible to miss Nathan less.  I never missed him more at the beginning it was just that the lack of his presence was more keenly felt at the beginning.  Unfortunately I have had to learn to live a life without him and so I am used to living life without him.  That's not the same as not being sad about it.  It sucks.

Thank you to Vickie, Robin, and Erin for commenting on my last post.  I think I do have things to say and now I know I have a few people to say them to.  No pressure to continue to comment...I'll know you are there.

Open again?

I'm considering getting back to blogging. I'm really unsure though. When I think of the things I would want to write about, it doesn't feel exactly safe. It almost feels like I have concealed part of who I am in order to live my current life. That's kind of sad and I didn't realize it until I started writing this. I'm not sure what exactly has changed in the last few years. Facebook seemed to take the place of blogging for a good number of years, but I find I use it a bit less because of all the political posts. I have to keep myself from responding to al the conspiracy theories out there. When I don't refrain myself I regret that too. If I post something about Nathan or about grief I get a bunch of "likes". I feel I have to dole those out very carefully as to not become a person people get sick of seeing these things from. The blog feels slightly more anonymous but it's really not at all. Perhaps it's easier not knowing who is reading it while at the same time, it could be exactly the people I wouldn't want reading it...but if they know I don't know can't we all pretend they haven't read it? So - I don't know...I'm thinking...

Changes

First of all, some of you may have received an invitation to view this blog...that was not my intention as google seems to have a mind of its own, so if I spammed you, I am sorry.

Secondly, due to the reasons from the previous post I have reverted all my posts to draft.  I will be moving this blog to a different host where I can password protect some of the posts and not others. I will let you know when that happens and how to get the password.

People Suck

So - for a while now I have been dealing with the unauthorized use of a picture I took of Nathan, looking out a window.  The legitimate blog, The Big Picture, of Boston.com asked me to include the picture for a childhood cancer awareness post.  I agreed but people then stole the picture and someone has even created a meme and attributed a quote and attached a url onto that photo.  I see it pop up onto my Facebook feed regularly and it is not a good feeling.  It is not regarded somehow as a generic childhood cancer photo for free use.  It is not.

Then I received a message on Facebook that pictures from here and Picasaweb and such are being used in someone else's blog.  I have not hear back where that might be.  I suspect the person who sent me the message was using a pseudonym.  If that person is reading this - I really would appreciate more information.  I have since made a bunch of things private and unpublished a bunch of posts here.  I hope to make things public again at some point.  If I make this blog private I will give you a warning and ability to log in.

If any of you reading this know of other uses of Nathan's photo - please let me know.

February 2013 Pictures

February was a pretty good month!

We started it with a winter hike to Mueller State Park.  I think there was one other car up there with us. We went on a trail that had a frozen lake and spent most of our time playing on that.  It got warm enough to take our coats off by the end.  There was also a friends and family music recital with the four of us got to play "Chorus from Judas Maccabeus" Lauren on violin, Julia and I on cellos and Luke on his guitar.  It was fun!  I am hesitant to post the video because I was sick and tired and I look sick and tired...quite unattractive...you will see...but just look at my beautiful daughters instead.

We also had a nice big snow at the house, finally.  The last pictures of significance are of Julia's new glasses and Julia and I before we went to the opera.  Enjoy!  (slideshow posted below)

January 2013 Pictures

January is always light on pictures as we recover from the holidays!  Julia's birthday is the highlight as usual!

Seven

Lauren turned seven on November 16.  On December 30 she became older than Nathan was.  I was aware this was happening..since he was also born on the 16th it didn't take much math to figure it out.  Mercifully it didn't occur to me on the the day...I think we were actually driving home from Illinois all day.

Lately I have become acutely aware of the sameness of age.  Lauren is probably around the same size as Nathan.  He was, of course, thin and had not grown very tall with all the chemo.  When I cuddle her I am reminded of him.

I cherish being able to cuddle her at seven and think I will feel some sadness when she turns 8 and I will not have any more seven year olds to cuddle.

I help in her class on Thursdays and when I help the seven year old boys in her class I am reminded of my seven year old boy.  It is both sweet and sour...but I do enjoy it.

It just saddens me as time slips away and for whatever reason it just feels to me when Lauren moves on to second grade and turns 8 I will somehow be yet much further down and road and further away from Nathan.

2012

Time keeps flying by... Here are some highlights of 2012

 January  - Julia turned 10 years old and got her ears pierced

February - We had a snow day, hung around the house said goodbye to the old kitchen and Julia had a cello recital

March - We continued work on the kitchen while using the dining room as a makeshift kitchen.  We went on a fun hike to Castlewood Canyon.

April - The kitchen is finally done!  There was Easter, many semester end shows and activities, a visit from the Grandpa Mike and Grandma Kathy, and a fun visit to the Florissant Fossil Beds.

May - Lots of playing outside, more end of school activities and a visit from the Craddocks!

June - Julia went to camp and then we went to Hilton Head for two weeks to visit Grandma C and Grandpa Bill.  We enjoyed watching the owl family living in their tree and playing in the pool and ocean with cousins.

July - Fourth of July, violin recital, a visit from Brady, playing in the sprinklers, Luke's birthday and a fun getaway to Buena Vista for Luke and I

August - Aunt Annie came to visit, more recitals, first day of school, a trip to Santa's Workshop, a fun weekend in Copper Mountain which included Luke's first guitar gig

September - Field Day at school, a choir banquet for Luke and I, more recitals, Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Mike and their friends Sue and Terry come to take care of the girls while Luke and I go to Europe with my parents.  Josh, Jae and cousin James also came to visit while we were away.  Oh and I celebrated the big 4-0.

October - enjoyed the beautiful weather, more recitals, fun day at the Science Museum with cousins, and Halloween.

November - more recitals, Julia's musical, Lauren's birthday, kids choir concert, went to a wedding and had a birthday party for Lauren

December - Pageant for Julia, decorating the tree, more recitals Christmas jam with a neighbor, a brief visit to our good friends The Shades, atrip to Illinois for Christmas which included; a Christmas Eve bonfire, the girls playing in church, spending time with Anna(sister-in-law) and Chris, visits by my brother and my cousin and his family, and finally home for New Years