Something that has been breaking my heart lately.
Julia's family: Mommy and Daddy and Nathan and Lauren
Lauren's family: Mommy, Daddy and Julia.
No Nathan. She is learning to write - she writes about all of us but not him. Her "My Family" project for school, - no Nathan. I didn't ask, didn't push. I just asked it there were any other pictures she wanted. I then asked if she wanted any pictures from when she was younger and she said no. So that's it.
I don't blame her. She was only 20 months old when he died. He is just an idea to her. He is a stranger in pictures. I just wish she understood how much he loved and adored her and that she does have a big brother.
I just makes me really sad.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Anesthesia Joke Repost
With all the Propofol in the news these days it made me want to repost this. Nathan received propofol for most of his bone marrow aspirations and biopsies. Sometimes they let me be in the room with him and they would push it and he would be asleep instantly.
Nathan: I know why it is called propofol !
Me: Why?
Nathan: because when they give it to you it makes you FALL asleep and then you wake up and try to walk and you FALL down.
I had Nathan tell the anesthesiologist who said it was her first propofol joke. It is cuter coming out of Nathan because he says "purplefall" instead of "pro.poe.fall"
Nathan: I know why it is called propofol !
Me: Why?
Nathan: because when they give it to you it makes you FALL asleep and then you wake up and try to walk and you FALL down.
I had Nathan tell the anesthesiologist who said it was her first propofol joke. It is cuter coming out of Nathan because he says "purplefall" instead of "pro.poe.fall"
Saturday, October 01, 2011
September 2011 Pictures
Hmm - sees like I forgot to post September pictures...I am going to backdate this post though!
What did we do in September? I cannot recall! It looks like I had a birthday and we went to an Air Force football game.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
39
So, yesterday I turned 39. A week ago or so Luke and I celebrated 14 years of marriage.
We are terrible in the household about celebrating anything that isn't Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter.
On our anniversary, Luke had meetings all day and an dinner/evening meeting at church where he had to present something and I was sick. Needless to say, we didn't celebrate. Luckily we had an impromptu lunch out the day before.
On my birthday I had a meeting and Luke met me for lunch and then we went to church after school (after arguing with Lauren about her violin practice with which she was having a hard time taking my coaching). We had dinner at church and then worked with the kindergarten choir. I am directing it this year so I asked them to sing me happy birthday :)
Luke and I have agreed that next year we celebrate big for 40 and for 15 years of marriage and then when his turn comes for 40 we celebrate that too. We have a tentative plan for a large awesome trip with my parents that may span our anniversary and my birthday (which is also my mom's birthday) so that would certainly be great.
It is good that Luke and I are compatible in our celebrating styles but sometimes that means we could both use a kick in the rear because we tend not to celebrate things and while that is fine, on the other hand, why not celebrate things? We need excuses to celebrate and have fun from time to time. We are so busy and we also purposely ignored some celebrations soon after Nathan died because they were so painful that we have gotten into a rut.
So - I hope to report some fun celebrations this time next year!
We are terrible in the household about celebrating anything that isn't Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter.
On our anniversary, Luke had meetings all day and an dinner/evening meeting at church where he had to present something and I was sick. Needless to say, we didn't celebrate. Luckily we had an impromptu lunch out the day before.
On my birthday I had a meeting and Luke met me for lunch and then we went to church after school (after arguing with Lauren about her violin practice with which she was having a hard time taking my coaching). We had dinner at church and then worked with the kindergarten choir. I am directing it this year so I asked them to sing me happy birthday :)
Luke and I have agreed that next year we celebrate big for 40 and for 15 years of marriage and then when his turn comes for 40 we celebrate that too. We have a tentative plan for a large awesome trip with my parents that may span our anniversary and my birthday (which is also my mom's birthday) so that would certainly be great.
It is good that Luke and I are compatible in our celebrating styles but sometimes that means we could both use a kick in the rear because we tend not to celebrate things and while that is fine, on the other hand, why not celebrate things? We need excuses to celebrate and have fun from time to time. We are so busy and we also purposely ignored some celebrations soon after Nathan died because they were so painful that we have gotten into a rut.
So - I hope to report some fun celebrations this time next year!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Life now
So - there has now been month of school already! A month in which the girls leave the house at 8:00 and return at 3:45. It is a new stage of life for me. Last year with four half days a week for Lauren we were so busy during the day. She needed things to keep her occupied the other half of the day.
The first weeks have been pretty busy for me actually. My parents were here at the beginning and then I started cramming for Mendelsson's Elijah, which the choir had been working on all summer while I was traveling and otherwise unable to rehearse. I was also preparing to direct the kindergarten choir this year and going to more meetings than usual for the Children's Museum as there is some really great momentum going on there. Dropped into the middle of these weeks was a job opportunity as well.
So, I sit here in the middle of September. Elijah was on the 11th and went really well. It is the most demanding piece of music I have ever sung, partly because it is 2.5 hours of singing and also because it is just difficult music. I was on the verge of giving up but I am glad I stuck with it. There were many hours of rehearsal at church as well as at home. We are back to normal choir hours but only for a month because we will start working hard for our Christmas concert very soon. I am blessed to be part of such a large talented choir.
The first kindergarten choir night was on Wednesday. I had a lesson plan and it actually worked very well. I have been helping in that choir for a few years now so I knew what to expect. I have never directed anything before though. Fortunately it went as well as possible. Going forward it should be less stressful.
The Children's Museum project is gaining momentum on two independent fronts that should converge next month and could really make the museum a reality. It is fascinating to have in inside look at how this city works, who makes it happen, and see such exciting visions for the future. We've had nothing but negative for a few years.
Through a connection I was offered a very small bookkeeping/administrative job that I will do from home for just 3 hours a week or so. It will start in October and I am excited about tipping my big toe back out into the working world. I had assumed I would have to start at something outside my field so it is great that it involves a teeny bit of accounting. It is a far cry from my last job as a CFO but that is just fine for now! I think there will be similar opportunities in the future, and there are even a few possibilities cropping up, but this job is fine for now.
I will also be helping out at the school and perhaps some volunteering in the children's music ministry office at church. Luke and I are also on the Stewardship committee which will be busy in October. Oh, and I am starting to attend Tuesday morning women's bible study.
The girls are continuing their music lessons and are both making great strides. Lauren is dropping ballet but she really wants to add swimming. Swimming is twice a week after school though, so hard to fit in to our schedule. She may have to wait for spring. Lauren has been pretty tired getting used to full day school. Julia has a musical theater class in addition to her cello and she loves it. They will be doing excerpts from Newsies. Both girls are in choirs at church while Luke and I are doing the kindergarten choir.
So - life is busy, and good. This morning I am still in PJs with a few errands to run and tasks to complete but I am feeling pretty lucky to have this down time. Luke is working very hard, as usual, at work.
Oh, and yes, I wish I had a sixth grade boy's schedule to add into this mix.
The first weeks have been pretty busy for me actually. My parents were here at the beginning and then I started cramming for Mendelsson's Elijah, which the choir had been working on all summer while I was traveling and otherwise unable to rehearse. I was also preparing to direct the kindergarten choir this year and going to more meetings than usual for the Children's Museum as there is some really great momentum going on there. Dropped into the middle of these weeks was a job opportunity as well.
So, I sit here in the middle of September. Elijah was on the 11th and went really well. It is the most demanding piece of music I have ever sung, partly because it is 2.5 hours of singing and also because it is just difficult music. I was on the verge of giving up but I am glad I stuck with it. There were many hours of rehearsal at church as well as at home. We are back to normal choir hours but only for a month because we will start working hard for our Christmas concert very soon. I am blessed to be part of such a large talented choir.
The first kindergarten choir night was on Wednesday. I had a lesson plan and it actually worked very well. I have been helping in that choir for a few years now so I knew what to expect. I have never directed anything before though. Fortunately it went as well as possible. Going forward it should be less stressful.
The Children's Museum project is gaining momentum on two independent fronts that should converge next month and could really make the museum a reality. It is fascinating to have in inside look at how this city works, who makes it happen, and see such exciting visions for the future. We've had nothing but negative for a few years.
Through a connection I was offered a very small bookkeeping/administrative job that I will do from home for just 3 hours a week or so. It will start in October and I am excited about tipping my big toe back out into the working world. I had assumed I would have to start at something outside my field so it is great that it involves a teeny bit of accounting. It is a far cry from my last job as a CFO but that is just fine for now! I think there will be similar opportunities in the future, and there are even a few possibilities cropping up, but this job is fine for now.
I will also be helping out at the school and perhaps some volunteering in the children's music ministry office at church. Luke and I are also on the Stewardship committee which will be busy in October. Oh, and I am starting to attend Tuesday morning women's bible study.
The girls are continuing their music lessons and are both making great strides. Lauren is dropping ballet but she really wants to add swimming. Swimming is twice a week after school though, so hard to fit in to our schedule. She may have to wait for spring. Lauren has been pretty tired getting used to full day school. Julia has a musical theater class in addition to her cello and she loves it. They will be doing excerpts from Newsies. Both girls are in choirs at church while Luke and I are doing the kindergarten choir.
So - life is busy, and good. This morning I am still in PJs with a few errands to run and tasks to complete but I am feeling pretty lucky to have this down time. Luke is working very hard, as usual, at work.
Oh, and yes, I wish I had a sixth grade boy's schedule to add into this mix.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Vivid dream
I often write about Nathan dreams..this wasn't one. I also often have dreams where I die - this one is different. This dream woke me up a 6:22 this morning.
It was widely circulating that the world was going to end. I sort of believed it but was skeptical as well. I dropped of Lauren at Luke's parents house and told her I would come back to get her later. I then was driving north on I-25 and I called Luke because it was almost the supposed time for the world to end. I told him kind of lightly it was almost time and we kind of laughed but then ahead of me I saw the city just collapsing in flames and I told him that it was happening and I told him I loved him but I was very calm and at peace. I had a sensation of falling and falling and falling and as I fell I cried out to Jesus, but not in fear, in anticipation and love.
Then, I woke up.
Wow - I have just never had a dream like that that involved my faith. It was not a nightmare, per se, but it certainly rattled me enough to wake up, and I supposed the dream had to end because when I was done falling, I would have been dead.
It is one of those that is still with me, many hours later...
Friday, September 09, 2011
August 2011 Pictures
Where has time gone? We returned home to Colorado from Illinois on August 1. It was our hottest drive through Kansas...112 degrees on the van's thermometer...crazy!
We came home and started to get ready for school ahead of my parents' arrival. They were here for five days and we had a wonderful time doing summer activities. The last time they were here in the summer was the summer Nathan died and of course we weren't doing anything fun. In fact, the many preceding summers that they visited were all to help us out with Nathan and the girls and so we really never had a chance to do anything outside.
We went to parks and the zoo an we had a wonderful outside german meal at a restaurant. The weather was simply perfect.
School began the day before they left and activities begun to commence and August ended with our lives back in school year mode. Both girls are gone from 8 - 3:45. I will write more in an upcoming post about what I am doing with my newfound time this year.
As you will see we managed a family hike to a waterfall and I also went downtown to see the prologue of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge - that was really cool.
(slideshow below not visible on rss)
We came home and started to get ready for school ahead of my parents' arrival. They were here for five days and we had a wonderful time doing summer activities. The last time they were here in the summer was the summer Nathan died and of course we weren't doing anything fun. In fact, the many preceding summers that they visited were all to help us out with Nathan and the girls and so we really never had a chance to do anything outside.
We went to parks and the zoo an we had a wonderful outside german meal at a restaurant. The weather was simply perfect.
School began the day before they left and activities begun to commence and August ended with our lives back in school year mode. Both girls are gone from 8 - 3:45. I will write more in an upcoming post about what I am doing with my newfound time this year.
As you will see we managed a family hike to a waterfall and I also went downtown to see the prologue of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge - that was really cool.
(slideshow below not visible on rss)
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Candy Pants
Candy Pants is what I call these pajama pants. I rarely wear them - they are high waters now, but they are really comfortable. I grabbed them out of my drawer the other day and have been wearing them this week.
Why am I blogging about them?
They are full of memories. Five years ago Nathan and I went to New York city to stay for about 10 days and have him start a new clinical trial. So new, he was the first human to try it. The doctor in charge of the research told us it it could be "a cure".
After the first treatment and we were getting close to our return date we had an appointment where the doctor told us that he really didn't want Nathan to go home because no one had ever had this treatment before they were concerned about unknown side effects. I still remember the call home to talk to Luke about it.
So - we didn't go home (not until December). Fall came to New York City and all I had packed were summer clothes. I went to Old Navy to do a little shopping and bought the candy pants (since Halloween was the next holiday and so they were the cheapest long pajama pants they had). Luke and Julia eventually came to visit with some more clothes for Nathan and I, but I must not have requested any more pajama pants because I wore the candy pants every single night.
It is hard to believe that was 5 years ago. There are so many memories. I was just remembering when Nathan was in the hellish in-patient run there and we just scanned him and he had progressed on treatment. He was neutropenic and his counts were not coming back. They were insisting on giving him shots to raise his counts even though the medicine could be given by IV. They felt it was more effective in the shot form. That day, I knew there would be no cure for Nathan. I grabbed one of the residents and pleaded for the IV form. I heard the usual spiel about shot versus IV. and I told them that he had this scan and that I felt he was now terminal and I was not going to allow him to give him a shot when he could have an IV. I had turned the corner from trying to save him to preserving his quality of life.
Now I remember why that memory came up. Luke and I were discussing the fact that we never had "the talk" (for you non-cancer parents that would be the your-child-is-going-to-die talk). We realized we didn't need the talk because we had been running the show and making the decisions for quite a while and so we could see that when the last great attempt was made, and his bone marrow could not longer handle chemo, and his disease was still progressing, that it was the end. No doctor had to tell us that. I am glad for that. We didn't give up - we then researched all other available trials at the time and had phone calls with the famous Dr. S. in Vermont who rescued several children and Nathan just couldn't do what was mandatory chemo for that trial at the time.
Anyway..so the candy pants...you see how no memories are simple when it comes to what we have been through. So many things are chained together. I don't mind wearing them..I am sure I snuggled with Nathan while I had them on.
Why am I blogging about them?
They are full of memories. Five years ago Nathan and I went to New York city to stay for about 10 days and have him start a new clinical trial. So new, he was the first human to try it. The doctor in charge of the research told us it it could be "a cure".
After the first treatment and we were getting close to our return date we had an appointment where the doctor told us that he really didn't want Nathan to go home because no one had ever had this treatment before they were concerned about unknown side effects. I still remember the call home to talk to Luke about it.
So - we didn't go home (not until December). Fall came to New York City and all I had packed were summer clothes. I went to Old Navy to do a little shopping and bought the candy pants (since Halloween was the next holiday and so they were the cheapest long pajama pants they had). Luke and Julia eventually came to visit with some more clothes for Nathan and I, but I must not have requested any more pajama pants because I wore the candy pants every single night.
It is hard to believe that was 5 years ago. There are so many memories. I was just remembering when Nathan was in the hellish in-patient run there and we just scanned him and he had progressed on treatment. He was neutropenic and his counts were not coming back. They were insisting on giving him shots to raise his counts even though the medicine could be given by IV. They felt it was more effective in the shot form. That day, I knew there would be no cure for Nathan. I grabbed one of the residents and pleaded for the IV form. I heard the usual spiel about shot versus IV. and I told them that he had this scan and that I felt he was now terminal and I was not going to allow him to give him a shot when he could have an IV. I had turned the corner from trying to save him to preserving his quality of life.
Now I remember why that memory came up. Luke and I were discussing the fact that we never had "the talk" (for you non-cancer parents that would be the your-child-is-going-to-die talk). We realized we didn't need the talk because we had been running the show and making the decisions for quite a while and so we could see that when the last great attempt was made, and his bone marrow could not longer handle chemo, and his disease was still progressing, that it was the end. No doctor had to tell us that. I am glad for that. We didn't give up - we then researched all other available trials at the time and had phone calls with the famous Dr. S. in Vermont who rescued several children and Nathan just couldn't do what was mandatory chemo for that trial at the time.
Anyway..so the candy pants...you see how no memories are simple when it comes to what we have been through. So many things are chained together. I don't mind wearing them..I am sure I snuggled with Nathan while I had them on.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Kindergarten!
Lauren went off to Kindergarten this morning! I finally got to send two kids together on the bus - four years later than it was supposed to happen. Nathan should have been off to his first day of middle school today.
Pictures over the years...
Pictures over the years...
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Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Julia's first cello recital
Julia is doing great with the cello. Unfortunately for her we started at the end of the school year and so she has missed so many lessons between camp, her teacher's vacation and our vacation. So - we really has had maybe a month's worth of lessons at this point and 2 group classes.
She had her first group recital last Thursday. She had fun and did great. She was sad that her big brother was not there to see her. There is a video in this post not showing up in rss…here is a link
She had her first group recital last Thursday. She had fun and did great. She was sad that her big brother was not there to see her. There is a video in this post not showing up in rss…here is a link
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
July 2011 Pictures and Summary
So, July...Busy!
We left for Hilton Head to visit my parents at the very end of June. We had a great time at the beach and pool and watching fireworks. The girls also got to spend time with our friends Tammy and Larry and their daughter Brady (Tammy used to take care of Julia and Nathan but she lives in NC now). Luke and I took the opportunity to spend the night in Savannah in the historic district and had a great time walking around and being together there.
We came home for about 10 days. Luke had a birthday, the girls had vacation bible school and I got some things done and school shopping and then the girls and I left for Illinois, leaving Luke at home working. We spent the night with our good friends in Kansas City so we could hang out an dI wouldn't have to drive the 15 hours by myself in one day (which we usually do and did coming home). A few days later, having left the girls in the hands of their grandparents, I flew to DC as did Luke from home. We met up at the airport and immediately went for a late dinner at one of our favorite restaurants from when we lived there. Luckily it was exactly the same as it used to be and we had a great meal. The next day (a Sunday) we went to hang out with my Aunt Eleanor. We had lunch at our favorite lunch spot and relaxed and caught up. Late afternoon we headed out to drive by our old apartment and to see the chapel where we were married. You will see some pictures of us in front of it. We thought about going down to the mall to see the monuments but it had been record heat and it was pretty parked up so we just drove around and enjoyed the view from the car. It is not like we haven't visited those sites many times before. We will take the girls sometime. After that we took the kid-free opportunity to go see the final Harry Potter and had popcorn and raisinets for dinner.
The next day Luke went into his office. His office is actually in the DC area but he has worked from home for 13 years. So - he put in an appearance there and we met for dinner with one of his colleagues. After dinner Luke worked very late on the presentation for the next day so I just watched TV in the hotel.
The next morning we drove up to Trenton, NJ. Luke has been going there for years for work so it was interesting to see it for myself. Its reputation precedes it.
I drove to nearby Princeton and did some shopping and then went back to the hotel. Luke met me there later and we went out to a big team/client dinner in Princeton. It was a fabulous meal and fun to meet some of his co-workers and clients I had heard so much about. The next day I was on my own again. I seriously considered going to either Six Flags or its water park but did not in the end. I ended up doing some shopping and read for a while at Panera. I picked Luke up and we drove back to DC, stopping for some fondue in Wilmington DE. We flew back to Illinois the next morning and spent the next few days with his family before we drove home. There was record heat everywhere we went. The van's thermometer read 112 degrees in the middle of Kansas and we drove home. We had a bonfire while we were in Illinois even though it was so hot. The girls love it so much so we had to do it. You will see in the pictures how hot and sweaty we were!
We arrived home on August 1 so that is our July. School starts in less than two weeks and we are all looking forward to that!
We left for Hilton Head to visit my parents at the very end of June. We had a great time at the beach and pool and watching fireworks. The girls also got to spend time with our friends Tammy and Larry and their daughter Brady (Tammy used to take care of Julia and Nathan but she lives in NC now). Luke and I took the opportunity to spend the night in Savannah in the historic district and had a great time walking around and being together there.
We came home for about 10 days. Luke had a birthday, the girls had vacation bible school and I got some things done and school shopping and then the girls and I left for Illinois, leaving Luke at home working. We spent the night with our good friends in Kansas City so we could hang out an dI wouldn't have to drive the 15 hours by myself in one day (which we usually do and did coming home). A few days later, having left the girls in the hands of their grandparents, I flew to DC as did Luke from home. We met up at the airport and immediately went for a late dinner at one of our favorite restaurants from when we lived there. Luckily it was exactly the same as it used to be and we had a great meal. The next day (a Sunday) we went to hang out with my Aunt Eleanor. We had lunch at our favorite lunch spot and relaxed and caught up. Late afternoon we headed out to drive by our old apartment and to see the chapel where we were married. You will see some pictures of us in front of it. We thought about going down to the mall to see the monuments but it had been record heat and it was pretty parked up so we just drove around and enjoyed the view from the car. It is not like we haven't visited those sites many times before. We will take the girls sometime. After that we took the kid-free opportunity to go see the final Harry Potter and had popcorn and raisinets for dinner.
The next day Luke went into his office. His office is actually in the DC area but he has worked from home for 13 years. So - he put in an appearance there and we met for dinner with one of his colleagues. After dinner Luke worked very late on the presentation for the next day so I just watched TV in the hotel.
The next morning we drove up to Trenton, NJ. Luke has been going there for years for work so it was interesting to see it for myself. Its reputation precedes it.
I drove to nearby Princeton and did some shopping and then went back to the hotel. Luke met me there later and we went out to a big team/client dinner in Princeton. It was a fabulous meal and fun to meet some of his co-workers and clients I had heard so much about. The next day I was on my own again. I seriously considered going to either Six Flags or its water park but did not in the end. I ended up doing some shopping and read for a while at Panera. I picked Luke up and we drove back to DC, stopping for some fondue in Wilmington DE. We flew back to Illinois the next morning and spent the next few days with his family before we drove home. There was record heat everywhere we went. The van's thermometer read 112 degrees in the middle of Kansas and we drove home. We had a bonfire while we were in Illinois even though it was so hot. The girls love it so much so we had to do it. You will see in the pictures how hot and sweaty we were!
We arrived home on August 1 so that is our July. School starts in less than two weeks and we are all looking forward to that!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Gone fishing..
We've been away on vacation for most of July...School starts August 15! There will soon be many pictures of our adventures this month. Fortunately the activities for the year don't all kick in until September so I will have a little less of a shock as we build up to the crazy school year schedule.
Yes, we passed the four year anniversary of Nathan's death on the 29th. We spent it together as a family and just got through it without too much acknowledgment - which is what we usually prefer to do. Even after four years I don't want to fully embrace all that pain on that particular day...what is the point?
Yes, we passed the four year anniversary of Nathan's death on the 29th. We spent it together as a family and just got through it without too much acknowledgment - which is what we usually prefer to do. Even after four years I don't want to fully embrace all that pain on that particular day...what is the point?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Photo book done
Well - there was a sale I couldn't beat and since I am struggling with Nathan's death anniversary coming up anyway it seemed to make sense to go ahead and make the final photo book with Nathan. I was going to try to share it here, but the service makes you sign up and also, it just seemed a little too private for a completely public forum like this. In the end..I didn't put the worst of the pictures but put the ones where is he doing something interactive even if he looks bad. I put in his obituary and the program from the funeral along with pictures of the girls from the day of his funeral.
Monday, July 11, 2011
More grief stuff
If you recall, I wrote about the physical manifestation of my grief a while back here.
I did have an "attack" a few days after Nathan's funeral and then was relatively well for a while after that with occasional "episodes" that I though were medical and now think were caused by anxiety/grief. It seems that instead of the passing of time helping, it is getting worse. One of the things is my startle reflex which gets really overactive. I had a bizarre jolt driving home from the airport where there was a slower car in the lane in front of us and I saw it and let out a big gasp and nearly startled Luke into an accident. Really small things cause a huge overreaction at the base level, before I have control over them. It is crappy.
Passing Nathan's birthday and approaching his date of death has me at the verge of tears and experiencing some of these things. It is really frustrating because I am planning some things where I have to be "on" and the thought that my mind/body may betray me is really depressing. I do not like being weak and vulnerable. More than that - it is just not my personality. I guess you might say no one likes that, but it really is just not me.
Yes - I guess I am whining...forgive me because I know it could be worse
I did have an "attack" a few days after Nathan's funeral and then was relatively well for a while after that with occasional "episodes" that I though were medical and now think were caused by anxiety/grief. It seems that instead of the passing of time helping, it is getting worse. One of the things is my startle reflex which gets really overactive. I had a bizarre jolt driving home from the airport where there was a slower car in the lane in front of us and I saw it and let out a big gasp and nearly startled Luke into an accident. Really small things cause a huge overreaction at the base level, before I have control over them. It is crappy.
Passing Nathan's birthday and approaching his date of death has me at the verge of tears and experiencing some of these things. It is really frustrating because I am planning some things where I have to be "on" and the thought that my mind/body may betray me is really depressing. I do not like being weak and vulnerable. More than that - it is just not my personality. I guess you might say no one likes that, but it really is just not me.
Yes - I guess I am whining...forgive me because I know it could be worse
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Laundry Room Project
My friend Lori visited not long ago and told me how she rearranged her laundry room to avoid piles of clothes around the house. I LOVED the idea....more on what it was later.
What we have done for our whole adult lives is to do laundry, usually all the loads in one day and dump in on our master bed to fold. Often, we are too busy and it gets stuffed back into laundry baskets. Then some might get folded but the hanging stuff would get thrown on the benches at the end of our bed to be hung up at some point. That point happened rarely. Our bedroom was always filled with laundry. The drying wrack was usually in the basement/office area and Luke used a baby gate to expand the hanging space.
The laundry room was the dumping ground of the whole house. We have a crawl space whose entry is a 2.5 foot door about 3 feet of the ground. You have to launch yourself in there. So - whenever something needs to go in there it sits in the laundry room for a while. We also keep our luggage under the stairs. We had a hamper that held all our paper goods instead of laundry and a garment rack that sat on the floor and would get piled with stuff at the bottom. I owned at least 4 vacuum/steam cleaner type of machines which all lived there as well as all our extra pillows and various other linens. There was also a very old high chair that my dad used as a kid, wrapping paper, light bulbs, ziploc bags etc. Oh and parts of a bed frame.
So - we took everything out of there...every single thing. It filled up half of our basement.
Then we bought shelves. We bought enough shelves to hold all our folded clothes on. I also bought cloth baskets for socks and underwear and a bin for mismatched socks. We found a wall-mounted garment rack that has a shelf and bought an additional folding wrack to dry clothes on. Lastly I bought some smaller clothes baskets so that the girls could carry their clean clothes three stories up to their rooms. That is the idea, that once there are piles, they bring them up and put them away and bring the basket back down. Clothes that come out of the dryer are hung or folded IMMEDIATELY right in the laundry room. It really only takes 5 minutes or so and it is amazing how much easier it is to just fold one load at a time.
So - no more piles of laundry in the house! No more long-term dumping in the laundry room because the system is in place and anything waiting to go into the crawl space will be very apparent and more likely to get put away sooner. The paper goods are on a shelf by the washer that I had, but was full of stuff I didn't need so I threw away a bunch and made some room. I have enough space to have one large pack of each paper good item (from costco etc) but not more than that, but that is fine. I am getting rid of some of the vacuum things and moved the steam cleaner to an empty space in the garage since I hardly ever use it. We got rid of a few luggage items and all we have fits nicely in the space now.
So - with that I will give you the pictures...everything full from yesterday because of all the laundry from our trip. In a day or two the shelves will be empty.
What we have done for our whole adult lives is to do laundry, usually all the loads in one day and dump in on our master bed to fold. Often, we are too busy and it gets stuffed back into laundry baskets. Then some might get folded but the hanging stuff would get thrown on the benches at the end of our bed to be hung up at some point. That point happened rarely. Our bedroom was always filled with laundry. The drying wrack was usually in the basement/office area and Luke used a baby gate to expand the hanging space.
The laundry room was the dumping ground of the whole house. We have a crawl space whose entry is a 2.5 foot door about 3 feet of the ground. You have to launch yourself in there. So - whenever something needs to go in there it sits in the laundry room for a while. We also keep our luggage under the stairs. We had a hamper that held all our paper goods instead of laundry and a garment rack that sat on the floor and would get piled with stuff at the bottom. I owned at least 4 vacuum/steam cleaner type of machines which all lived there as well as all our extra pillows and various other linens. There was also a very old high chair that my dad used as a kid, wrapping paper, light bulbs, ziploc bags etc. Oh and parts of a bed frame.
So - we took everything out of there...every single thing. It filled up half of our basement.
Then we bought shelves. We bought enough shelves to hold all our folded clothes on. I also bought cloth baskets for socks and underwear and a bin for mismatched socks. We found a wall-mounted garment rack that has a shelf and bought an additional folding wrack to dry clothes on. Lastly I bought some smaller clothes baskets so that the girls could carry their clean clothes three stories up to their rooms. That is the idea, that once there are piles, they bring them up and put them away and bring the basket back down. Clothes that come out of the dryer are hung or folded IMMEDIATELY right in the laundry room. It really only takes 5 minutes or so and it is amazing how much easier it is to just fold one load at a time.
So - no more piles of laundry in the house! No more long-term dumping in the laundry room because the system is in place and anything waiting to go into the crawl space will be very apparent and more likely to get put away sooner. The paper goods are on a shelf by the washer that I had, but was full of stuff I didn't need so I threw away a bunch and made some room. I have enough space to have one large pack of each paper good item (from costco etc) but not more than that, but that is fine. I am getting rid of some of the vacuum things and moved the steam cleaner to an empty space in the garage since I hardly ever use it. We got rid of a few luggage items and all we have fits nicely in the space now.
So - with that I will give you the pictures...everything full from yesterday because of all the laundry from our trip. In a day or two the shelves will be empty.
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| as you walk into the room, clothe racks, socks and underwear drawers |
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| view of drying racks, garment rack, pantry |
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| drying racks and ziplocs |
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| clothes racks, sock and underwear drawers, baskets, vacuum, luggage under the stairs |
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| laundry supplies, paper supplies |
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| The terrible crawl space door |
Saturday, July 09, 2011
June 2011 Pictures
So - obviously I have really been slacking at the blogging thing. I am getting ready to to June pictures and think that I should recap the month a little.
The first week in June was quiet for the first few days with music lessons and some swimming. On June 5, Julia went off to camp with our church. This was her first time at sleep-away camp and she loved it. She couldn't get rid of us fast enough when we dropped her off. She kept hugging us and saying bye and waiting for us to leave. We were looking around so we said goodbye and let her go off. She came home on the next Friday night. I somehow kept Lauren busy the week she was gone. The poor thing had to run a bunch of errands with me but we also went swimming, went to a dog show, played in the fountain downtown and went to the library.
The next week we took it easy. The girls both went to the dentist and both have loose teeth. Lauren's adult teeth are actually almost all the way up behind the baby teeth. I am trying to see how long to wait until they will need to be pulled. They are a little looser but they need to come out soon.
Julia has had several cello lessons and is now playing half of twinkle twinkle. While she was at camp I took my cello to her teacher who looked it over for me and recommended a few tweaks so it is in the shop right now. Julia is loving the cello and is looking forward to a more consistent schedule of lessons.
See, I should have blogged sooner because looking at the calendar my mind is a bit blank but I know we were busy with things most days so who knows! Looking at the pictures reminds me they played in the sprinklers a few times. It's funny how much fun can be had in sprinklers.
We did go on a mini hike for father's day and out for a beer.
As you will see pictures are scant.
We just returned home from visiting my parents in Hilton Head Island, SC. We were there for a few days in June but the bulk was in July so I am saving those pictures for July.
The first week in June was quiet for the first few days with music lessons and some swimming. On June 5, Julia went off to camp with our church. This was her first time at sleep-away camp and she loved it. She couldn't get rid of us fast enough when we dropped her off. She kept hugging us and saying bye and waiting for us to leave. We were looking around so we said goodbye and let her go off. She came home on the next Friday night. I somehow kept Lauren busy the week she was gone. The poor thing had to run a bunch of errands with me but we also went swimming, went to a dog show, played in the fountain downtown and went to the library.
The next week we took it easy. The girls both went to the dentist and both have loose teeth. Lauren's adult teeth are actually almost all the way up behind the baby teeth. I am trying to see how long to wait until they will need to be pulled. They are a little looser but they need to come out soon.
Julia has had several cello lessons and is now playing half of twinkle twinkle. While she was at camp I took my cello to her teacher who looked it over for me and recommended a few tweaks so it is in the shop right now. Julia is loving the cello and is looking forward to a more consistent schedule of lessons.
See, I should have blogged sooner because looking at the calendar my mind is a bit blank but I know we were busy with things most days so who knows! Looking at the pictures reminds me they played in the sprinklers a few times. It's funny how much fun can be had in sprinklers.
We did go on a mini hike for father's day and out for a beer.
As you will see pictures are scant.
We just returned home from visiting my parents in Hilton Head Island, SC. We were there for a few days in June but the bulk was in July so I am saving those pictures for July.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Ellie
I am writing this post for a reader, who until recently had no idea we had a dog.
This is Ellie. Her full name is Eleanor, named after my aunt Eleanor, who said that if no one would name their child after her, perhaps they would name a dog after her...and because we love her so much, we did!
We got Ellie a few months after we bought our first house in early 1999. We headed to the local humane society and while I was hoping for a terrier, we say this beautiful 4 month old dog and fell in love. She is some sort of shepherd mix. Another person had dibs on Ellie once she was availble for adoption in a few days. They had until a certain hour to come get her and so we showed up at our appointed time and were thrilled that she was still there and ours for the adopting.
She was very nervous on the car ride home and also when we got to the house. She had never seen stairs before and it took several days to convince her to go up and down them.
We tried keeping her in a crate but she cried and cried. One night I went to go sleep with her in the basement (with her in her crate) and she cried so I let her outside and she refused to come in. After that night she slept outside at night for about 2 years. Sometime 2 years later when I was sleeping in Nathan's room due to his teething I realized she took to barking in the early morning hours (his room was on the back side of the house) so we couldn't let he sleep outside anymore and she transitioned to sleeping inside again.
Ellie doesn't like other dogs or older men. We wonder if she was abused by an older man before we got her. She loves to chew her nylabone and likes to dribble her tennis ball. When she was younger she loved to play with two of her toys at once. If enough of our family settles down in one room of the house together she is very happy and will go find her bone and bring it in to chew with us all. Luke has worked from home her whole life and so her routine, especially in the last several years, is to go down to the basement with him to work and sleep down there with him all day. For that reason, she doesn't like weekends when she waits by the basement door for him to go down there.
She has had a few surgeries over the years. She has canine lupus on her nose and is developing cataracts now. She will be 13 in November. She is a very good dog!
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| Ellie when we just brought her home |
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| Me with Ellie as a puppy |
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| Ellie and baby Nathan |
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| Julia and Ellie (2004) after she cut her tendon on lawn edging |
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| Luke, Lauren and Ellie |
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| Ellie after surgery to repair her "knee" |
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| Her favorite place to sleep |
The rest of these pictures are of Ellie currently, the first several in desperate need of de-furring and the last after being groomed.
I have tried to fix my comment posting ability - so if you have failed in the past - try again!
Friday, June 10, 2011
May 2011 Pictures
May was a busy month! Julia started her cello lessons, there was a dance rehearsal, Mother's Day, third grade awards (Julia got the award for the most AR (reading) points of all the third graders), last day of preschool, and our very good friends Brian and Lori and their children Scarlett and Grahe came to visit us over Memorial Day.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Cleaning
Sorry about the slow blogging...I have had some posts in my head so I am going to post them, some on delay.
First off - it is June. I like June, but June contains Nathan's birthday - so that is hard. Facebook doesn't help with the bombardment of 5th grade graduations and other friends with kids the same age having their birthdays.
The other day I finally tackled the rest of my medicine cabinet. I had done the bare minimum of pulling the dangerous medicines out of there a few years ago and brought as many as I grabbed to the hazardous waste disposal center.
I wasn't expecting how hard it was to throw away the rest of the stuff. There was all the line care stuff, andmany bottles of SSKI (drops to protect his thyroid before nuclear meds scans). There were also, to my surprise, many types of narcotics still hanging around, even a fentanyl patch which really shouldn't be just sitting around.
I was really sad throwing away all the supplies and I had to bag up all the narcotics until I take my next trip to the hazardous waste place.
What it comes down to is that I hate erasing pieces of proof that Nathan lived in our house, even when they are not happy things. There was some bit of comfort in rustling around the medicine and finding a replacement cap to the end of his lines. Over half of his life was spent with these items and they became a part of our life. I wouldn't want him to need them, but they remind me of him and his everyday presence.
Still - I did dispose of them - just through tears. And I was depressed the rest of the day - I didn't really realize it until Luke came up from work and I went to try to make dinner and found that emotionally I just couldn't do it and I cried and he ran out and got us some food.
First off - it is June. I like June, but June contains Nathan's birthday - so that is hard. Facebook doesn't help with the bombardment of 5th grade graduations and other friends with kids the same age having their birthdays.
The other day I finally tackled the rest of my medicine cabinet. I had done the bare minimum of pulling the dangerous medicines out of there a few years ago and brought as many as I grabbed to the hazardous waste disposal center.
I wasn't expecting how hard it was to throw away the rest of the stuff. There was all the line care stuff, andmany bottles of SSKI (drops to protect his thyroid before nuclear meds scans). There were also, to my surprise, many types of narcotics still hanging around, even a fentanyl patch which really shouldn't be just sitting around.
I was really sad throwing away all the supplies and I had to bag up all the narcotics until I take my next trip to the hazardous waste place.
What it comes down to is that I hate erasing pieces of proof that Nathan lived in our house, even when they are not happy things. There was some bit of comfort in rustling around the medicine and finding a replacement cap to the end of his lines. Over half of his life was spent with these items and they became a part of our life. I wouldn't want him to need them, but they remind me of him and his everyday presence.
Still - I did dispose of them - just through tears. And I was depressed the rest of the day - I didn't really realize it until Luke came up from work and I went to try to make dinner and found that emotionally I just couldn't do it and I cried and he ran out and got us some food.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
May 1-8, 2011
We had quite the busy week last week.
It started on May 1, the Sunday after Easter. Our church remembers those who died the year before on that day. Our friend MaryAnn has dubbed it "dead people Sunday". Ever since Nathan's name was read at that service 3 years ago, I have not wanted to relive it. So - we skip. We invited MaryAnn who does not like D.P.S. either to join us for breakfast out - which was great. That evening we had our usual Sunday night dinner with our friends (two other families). We always enjoy that!
Monday held school and ballet after school. Tuesday Lauren had violin and Julia started cello. I also helped out in Julia's class (which I do every Tuesday). Wednesday afternoon Lauren had a mother's day party at preschool and Wednesday night I had a 3.5 hour meeting for the Children's Museum we are trying to build. Thursday night I took Julia with me to choir rehearsal so she could rehearse her solo with the choir. As it turned out the choir's "oohing" was a little complex and we spent a lot of time on it. It was hard for Julia to hear her part on the third verse with our "oohs". She had complete confidence and got up in front of everyone and sang by herself with the piano first. She only got shy when the choir director started joking around about how much money she was going to make in the future and how he'd be her agent. She couldn't stand the attention and turned red and put her head down...poor thing. When it came to singing though...no shyness at all!
Friday the girls had their dance dress rehearsal. As usual the steaming and pinning of costumes took a while as did the hair. This year Julia needed a low bun (harder that a regular one because there is less hair to work with when it is low) and Lauren needed two french braids! Those french braids took at least 20 minutes for me. I was also a mother helper backstage, I try to do that in the spring. After the dress rehearsal we went out for pizza.
Saturday we had our first real warm day of the season and worked outside int he backyard most of the morning. I took Lauren to a group violin lesson and then came home and started working on costumes and hair again for the recital. After the recital we bought the girls some Dairy Queen and shopped for dinner. We had our first dinner outside on the patio of the season.
On Sunday, Julia and I got up bright and early to go to church for the soundcheck. She and I sung two services and then headed home. I proceeded to read and relax outside for most of the afternoon and then Luke and I made a dinner of steak, salmon, potatoes and asparagus and ate again outside.
Julia did a great job singing. Not perfect, of course, but really well for a nine year old who has not had much training. I was a nervous wreck singing next to her. In retrospect it may have been better if I had not sang that morning because I was trying to pay attention to her if she needed me to prompt her for anything and still sing my part, which we had just learned a few nights before and so didn't really know well enough to look up much. Of course, the camera angle had much of me on it, as nervous as I was, and I usually like to look a lot more relaxed and joyful when I sing, but it was all I could do to breathe.
She (and I and Luke) got many, many complements and it was wonderful to have her sitting next to me in the choir loft on Mother's Day. She proclaimed the whole experience as "fun", which is the best outcome!
A little more grief has been rearing its head now that the week is over, with all its performances as such. With Nathan's birthday and date of death being in the summer - there is a certain apprehension. I do see a overall curve, if you will, of grief and I can look back a bit now and see that the grief is not as intense, which is great. This is NOT to say I am "over it" or have "moved on", just dealing with it better overall. That also does not mean I don't have bad days, or weeks, but that they are less frequent, and I am grateful for that.
It started on May 1, the Sunday after Easter. Our church remembers those who died the year before on that day. Our friend MaryAnn has dubbed it "dead people Sunday". Ever since Nathan's name was read at that service 3 years ago, I have not wanted to relive it. So - we skip. We invited MaryAnn who does not like D.P.S. either to join us for breakfast out - which was great. That evening we had our usual Sunday night dinner with our friends (two other families). We always enjoy that!
Monday held school and ballet after school. Tuesday Lauren had violin and Julia started cello. I also helped out in Julia's class (which I do every Tuesday). Wednesday afternoon Lauren had a mother's day party at preschool and Wednesday night I had a 3.5 hour meeting for the Children's Museum we are trying to build. Thursday night I took Julia with me to choir rehearsal so she could rehearse her solo with the choir. As it turned out the choir's "oohing" was a little complex and we spent a lot of time on it. It was hard for Julia to hear her part on the third verse with our "oohs". She had complete confidence and got up in front of everyone and sang by herself with the piano first. She only got shy when the choir director started joking around about how much money she was going to make in the future and how he'd be her agent. She couldn't stand the attention and turned red and put her head down...poor thing. When it came to singing though...no shyness at all!
Friday the girls had their dance dress rehearsal. As usual the steaming and pinning of costumes took a while as did the hair. This year Julia needed a low bun (harder that a regular one because there is less hair to work with when it is low) and Lauren needed two french braids! Those french braids took at least 20 minutes for me. I was also a mother helper backstage, I try to do that in the spring. After the dress rehearsal we went out for pizza.Saturday we had our first real warm day of the season and worked outside int he backyard most of the morning. I took Lauren to a group violin lesson and then came home and started working on costumes and hair again for the recital. After the recital we bought the girls some Dairy Queen and shopped for dinner. We had our first dinner outside on the patio of the season.
Julia did a great job singing. Not perfect, of course, but really well for a nine year old who has not had much training. I was a nervous wreck singing next to her. In retrospect it may have been better if I had not sang that morning because I was trying to pay attention to her if she needed me to prompt her for anything and still sing my part, which we had just learned a few nights before and so didn't really know well enough to look up much. Of course, the camera angle had much of me on it, as nervous as I was, and I usually like to look a lot more relaxed and joyful when I sing, but it was all I could do to breathe.
She (and I and Luke) got many, many complements and it was wonderful to have her sitting next to me in the choir loft on Mother's Day. She proclaimed the whole experience as "fun", which is the best outcome!
A little more grief has been rearing its head now that the week is over, with all its performances as such. With Nathan's birthday and date of death being in the summer - there is a certain apprehension. I do see a overall curve, if you will, of grief and I can look back a bit now and see that the grief is not as intense, which is great. This is NOT to say I am "over it" or have "moved on", just dealing with it better overall. That also does not mean I don't have bad days, or weeks, but that they are less frequent, and I am grateful for that.
Friday, May 06, 2011
Photobooks
I have been slowly working on our family pictures and making photo books (digitally) to preserve them. I take a lot of pictures so each book is 1-3 months. When Nathan got sick, our friend Lori, took it upon herself to scrapbook for us and made many books for us. Not too long after Nathan's death, I took over and have been working on them one by one. I watch for sales and when there is a good one, I make the next book. I recently finished May 2007.
So - here I am, staring right at June, July and August 2007. I have several dilemmas. Which pictures do I include? There are a few pictures, taken 10 days or so before Nathan's death that I keep in a separate folder so as not to accidentally have them pop up on my screensaver. I have only looked at them a few times. I don't even know if I posted them on here - they are terrible to see, not gruesome or anything, just the reality of death approaching and cancer taking over. Some earlier in the month also show this, but at least he is still doing something and not just lying on the couch in pain.
As far as the funeral goes, there are no pictures really...I was given one of my dad holding Lauren at the reception. I think I will include a scan of the funeral program. That pretty much explains it.
And then, starting in August - the pictures go on, without Nathan.
Yeah, maybe mother's day weekend is not the time to work on them....
So - here I am, staring right at June, July and August 2007. I have several dilemmas. Which pictures do I include? There are a few pictures, taken 10 days or so before Nathan's death that I keep in a separate folder so as not to accidentally have them pop up on my screensaver. I have only looked at them a few times. I don't even know if I posted them on here - they are terrible to see, not gruesome or anything, just the reality of death approaching and cancer taking over. Some earlier in the month also show this, but at least he is still doing something and not just lying on the couch in pain.
As far as the funeral goes, there are no pictures really...I was given one of my dad holding Lauren at the reception. I think I will include a scan of the funeral program. That pretty much explains it.
And then, starting in August - the pictures go on, without Nathan.
Yeah, maybe mother's day weekend is not the time to work on them....
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Robins
I pair of robins has made our backyard their spring home. More specifically, our outside table and window sill. I haven't seen a nest anywhere, but the female spends all her time looking inside our family room. I wonder if they are trying to figure out how to get inside to build a nest. They have also tried tapping on the window to get in. The dog's water bowl is their water source.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Easter girls - 2011
I made this post last year and just thought I would update it for this Easter. I think there is a big change between last year and this year! We had a really good Easter. We all got up really early and I sung four services and Luke and the girls went to the 7:00 service and also Luke helped with handicap assistance and so they went out to eat and came back to church to do that. I finally got home around 1:00 and we relaxed for a bit before joining friends for an Easter dinner.
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| Easter 2011 |
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| Easter 2010 |
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| Easter 2009 |
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| Easter 2008 |
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| Easter 2007 |
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| Easter 2006 |
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| Easter 2005 |
Easter 2000 - with Nathan in my tummy!
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