Lauren is now the same age Nathan was when he was diagnosed. It is so hard to look at her and remember him that young.
I don't know if it is related or not but I have been having a strange vision/thought lately with her.
I will be changing her diaper and when I see her hipbones I envision bone marrow aspiration marks. In NYC they did bone marrow from the front too and something about the current size/look of that area reminds me of Nathan I guess. It has happened more than once and is kind of disconcerting.
I have a lot of irrational fears of her getting neuroblastoma. Natural, I know but not rational. I go through periods of panic about it and wonder if I should have her urine tested or an ultrasound. Sometimes I wish I could just get a CBC and see normal blood counts. However, I wouldn't do that to her, even if her doctor agreed.
I only write down a fraction of the strange and horrible thoughts that go through my head. You would all think I am crazy. I saw SO MUCH. I saw things a parent should never have to see. I wish I could have those memories erased because they do affect me. However - I just have to live with them and manage to weave them into the rest of my life's experience and hope that at some point I will not be so traumatized by them.
4 comments:
I would not think you were crazy; I would know that you have been through a trauma. My heart is with yours. God bless you.
You sound like me when people tell me I sound like I have PTSD. (Does that make sense?) I suppose it would stand to reason if you have PTSD; I mean, how much more traumatic can life get?
I'm sure you're getting whatever help you feel you need but if you want to hear some of my tricks for moments like these, leave a comment on my blog and I'll write a post about it.
((HUGS)) For what it's worth, I think of you often and send you good thoughts, and you're always on my prayer list.
I don't think you are crazy Susan. I think for certain you are traumatized. Totally understandable. My prayers are in time, those haunting mental images will be replaced by happier ones.
FWIW, I have struggled with OCD in my past. The hal;lmark of this is intrusive, often very unpleasent, thoughts. One of the ways I gained control over this is to say to myself "That isn't real, it is an OCD thought." I then try to note something else that is real, taking away the OCD's power. That and some other tactics were enormously helpful and gave me much control over something I had found so upsetting.
Rita
You rock, "crazy" thoughts or not.
Nathan was a sweet sweet lamb -- and the world is much less without him but still so lucky to have a strong clever person like you.
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