My posts haven't been very personal lately. It seems there are a lot of things swirling around my head but I can't bring them together to form any sort of reasonable post. There are also a few things I just can't post here.
I am feeling hurt by someone and have felt that way since they didn't contact me after Nathan died. A few things have happened lately that has brought that hurt back to the forefront.
I had a episode in (May, June?) where I felt physically kind of psychotic for a few days. That was freaky as I am a pretty stable kind of person but I was having "flashes" in my head of all kinds of horrible traumatic things that did happen and that could happen. It was also the first time I ever felt that perhaps I might go to bed and just not get up in the morning. Fortunately it passed after about a week. It was very strange though because it was all happening to me and I felt not at all in control about it. In the last day or two a few small signs of this were cropping up although today has been OK so I am hopeful it won't come again.
School starts on Thursday. So far this is not feeling nearly as hard as it did last year. I guess it is the first repeat milestone in year two and it seems as if I am going to be OK about it this year. I already school supply shopped without a problem.
I went to Wal-Mart today. It is the one place that I just have to purposely avoid accidently looking in the direction of the boys clothes. My Target is so new that I have never bought clothes for Nathan there but I did shop for him quite a bit at that Wal-mart and I hate even glimpsing that section.
Today Lauren asked me if we had any toy airplanes she could play with. Yes! Nathan LOVED toy airplanes and so I will get them out for her later. I love that she likes playing with boy toys.
Speaking of that - after being asked for weeks I finally got out the Geotracks the other day for the girls. Nathan loved those and I would do it for him all the time. This was the first time I had them out since he last played with them. There was an orange cup in the boxes that had a thin film of crusty milk at the bottom. Somehow it got packed up those many months ago. I am certain it was his since he loved orange.
Oh! The backyard is done! There a just a couple of minor things but it was finally washed and sealed and fire pit installed this weekend. Pictures will come soon.
I also want to tell you about a non-profit organization I am involved with - I will hopefully post about that soon.
So - those are just a few of the things floating around in my head lately.
5 comments:
Non-profits are wonderful places to put your wonderful mind to good use, and to do good for others plus they're almost always flexible cuz you're often working pro bono anyways so you can arrange your projects and working hours around your own schedule. The picts look wonderful (comment for other posts but oh well i just got lazy because it's 1am here in Bodrum, Turkey). Also - your posts, no matter what you write, even if it's just a photo, or a simple sentence, are always moving, insightful and personal. Once again, thanks for sharing.
Susan, if I lived through what you did, I have no doubt *I* would feel psychotic as well. You lived through the very worst thing that can ever happen to a person. And instead of being able to collapse in a heap and give up, you had to stay strong and be there for your girls. And you have done great with that. You really have.
If you feel like you need some help, please do not be ashamed to ask for it. If someone would judge you for that, I dare them to even go through 1/4 what you have.
I am so sorry that someone you considered a friend hasn't been able to be there for you, for whatever reason. I hope there are are many others reaching their hand out to you, and not thinking you should be fine by now.
You will be OK. You are a survivor and a fighter. This is one of those horrific things in life that you never truly get over, but have to learn new ways to deal with.
I hope your singing lifts your soul, that you are gentle with yourself, that you know what a wonderful mother you are and always have been and that others reach out and keep by your side.
Prayers that the mental turmoil eases.
Rita
thegr8bolli@yahoo.com
Glad you're feeling better now, at least. Thinking of you with love.
lty
Okay starting with the most important! ((HUGS)) (I believe strongly in physical touch and since we live so far away here's the virtual touch)!
2nd - I heard on the radio this morning on the way to work. Sometimes friends don't know what to say so they choose to just fade away. Example they used is the fact that Peter was the only one that followed Christ his last night. Where were the other 10? This preacher was thinking that they were in hiding somewhere pacing wringing hands and thinking what should I do .....what could I have done.....oh my what if this happened to me? He goes on to say that Jesus still reappeared for them even if they weren't there for him.
I hate that you have someone that meant so much to you that didn't reach out. But I do know that you have commented many times about how people have reached out that you never expected. Hopefully this person will come around and you can start to heal. But if not I pray that the pain eases for you.
I cannot imagine how it felt to find the cup that you know was Nathan's - may it be just a reminder of how much he loved you and you loved him.....his way of saying "Hello".
I cannot believe it is already time for school again....since the kids have grown I loose track.
Just know that you are an amazing lady and that your friend (formerly of FL now in TX) says a prayer for you daily.
You know, that's part of why I have so little to do with my own family, because whenever I have trauma in my life they read about it on my blog and don't say anything. I even told them, just leave a comment saying "sorry to hear that", and they don't. I'm not sure what goes on in people's heads that way.
I'm glad your scary episode passed and I hope it doesn't come back. Back in the spring I spent an evening brainstorming the best way to gouge my eyes out, then I went down to Emergencies and that's when I started taking three mood stabilizers. But I still had three weeks of having to have crisis intervention every week, even on drugs. It was pretty scary. I hope you have a good crisis line where you are that you can talk to. They've done wonders for me, just talking me through the night when I'm a danger to myself. It doesn't sound like that's where you're at, but if it does happen, remember you need to have people around you just for your safety.
((HUGS))
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