tinged

It has been a weird morning emotionally.

First off, today is my twelfth anniversary. It was a truly wonderful day. Memories of that day are a bit tinged with sadness today because my uncle is dying of brain cancer. We credit him with bringing us together long ago by telling his son, that he would help his friend, Luke, find an apartment only if he agreed to marry his niece (me!). I had been living with my aunt and uncle after college while I found my first real job. Luke went to school with my cousin.

On the way to church this morning (by myself, since I go earlier than the rest of the family for choir) I had the strangest urge to stay on the interstate to head to the cemetery. I never go there and found the urge very out of place. Then at church the last hymn was "How Great Thou Art". That was sung at Nathan's funeral and Julia wailed throughout the whole song. It is really hard to sing that!

On the way home, out of the blue, Lauren asked if we could go see the place Nathan was buried! We were not going on the right direction at that point and so I said we'd go another time. She doesn't recall being there and Julia has never been there. I kind of tried to explain that he isn't buried but then I had to explain what I meant by remains, moving from "dust" to "ashes" but luckily they stopped there and didn't ask HOW. I have actually kind of explained this to them before but they have apparently forgotten.

Nathan is/was one of the fruits of our marriage and so I guess it only makes sense that his death weighs a bit heavily today. I would have rather just celebrated our anniversary today and skipped the death stuff though.

We aren't actually celebrating though. It is just not something we do. We recognize the day but aren't presents and cards kind of people.

I guess it is just true of everything, everyday. It is all tinged with sadness. There is joy and happiness but it is just not the same. I am not saying this in a depressing way, really. It is just the way it is.