Hang 10

I am not a surfer. I have never surfed in my life. However today, while driving alone and therefore able to actually think, I was thinking about the usual Nathan stuff. I was thinking about the decisions we are having to make about Nathan's treatment and how unsure we were that these are the right decisions. What we have been doing lately is a lot of going by our gut feelings.

Suddenly, an image appeared in my head as if I was on a surfboard riding the top of a wave and using subtle body movements to keep myself up there.

It captured how I feel about the decisions we are making. We are right up there in the middle of violent natural forces. We make subtle small decisions based on where we are right at the moment and sometimes they are directed more from within than from a lot of analytical thinking. I suppose when you wipe out while surfing there is a little second guessing that comes along with it but the focus seems to be more on the ride and the ability to stay up despite the terrible churning going on underneath you.

Somehow this makes me feel better. We are doing the best we can. We are trying to do the best thing for Nathan and for our family. Only WE know what IS best and that comes from within and not from the doctors or laboratories.

We know we are going to come down from the wave and eventually crash. Meanwhile we tilt and dive and have moments of perfect balance mixed with moments of lost control. Pure joy mixed with sheer terror.