June 16

Seven years ago I gave birth to my first child, Nathan. I became a mother. I was instantly in love.

Seven years later I am "celebrating" Nathan's last birthday.

When you give birth to a child you never imagine your time with them could be so limited.

I think of holding Nathan in my arms and imagining his future. It is just so wrong that he isn't going to have one. That I don't get to witness the man he would have become.

I no longer really imagine the futures of Julia and Lauren. I find that to do so seems such a luxury and I just can't afford it. Instead of expecting them to grow up - I really hope it will happen. I do not take it for granted. It is a loss of something most have as parents. You expect your children to grow up. I will never expect that again.

The joy I have in my other children can never be as carefree as it could have been because it is tempered by knowing I could lose them too.

It should probably be a happy day but it is not. I am sure next year it will be an even worse day - so I am trying to make myself be happy that today he is here with us. It is hard.