How can I keep from singing?

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Majesty and Glory of Your Name

I used to post about choir rehearsal. This past week we sung the so many good songs...I love it when they line up like that.

I thought I'd share one of them.

Thursday, September 01, 2016

September..again

I've always like the month of September. I was born in September. I got married in September. I love September weather.

One thing I currently don't love about September is that it is childhood cancer awareness month. That in itself is a good thing. I applaud all the awareness. I applaud friends and family who participate. I admire fellow childhood cancer moms who post something everyday. I marvel at fellow angel moms who post heart-wrenching photos and memories during September.

I am weary though. Everyday is childhood cancer awareness month for me. September means more constant reminders of it. It means when I am just benignly checking Facebook I see an image that hits too close to home. Last September Humans of New York did a month-long awareness campaign and highly successful fundraiser for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Just fabulous. Really hard for me. They showed images of Nathan's surgeon and interviewed him. They showed images from the outpatient floor. In one image you could see a hallway. I knew that hallway. That image of the hallway had a few strollers parked outside the curtains. Yes - I remember that. Sitting in that room behind the curtain watching some Sponge-Bob waiting for antibodies to begin. You'd get called into that room and hours would go by as you waited. Then the premeds, then the antibody. Then the dilauded and the pain. The screaming pain. Trying to do anything you could to help ease the pain. Hands on certain body parts..but then you couldn't move one muscle from that spot...bent over..in pain yourself. It's clear to me the pain medicine might have taken just a slight edge off but he had to meditate to deal...and once he was in that state no noises, movements or lights could occur. This - repeated behind many curtains. Toddlers screaming in pain. Then go home...drugged...and come back the next day to do it all again.

So - seeing that hallway brought all that back. It's a hard memory to live with. When you see your child in extraordinary pain over and over and over again and then they die a painful death...well...you can't let yourself think of it too often and still live your life.

So - September is hard. I hope those who are stronger than me or have an alive cancer kid can keep on posting. I just might not be on Facebook a whole lot this month.

Friday, August 19, 2016

9 years later

As you well know I have stopped blogging - for many reasons. For a long time blogging was so helpful to me. Then for a long time blogging felt unsafe. After that, maybe I wasn't sure what to say. Now I am feeling like I can start to form the words to describe my feelings again and I don't worry about how they will be taken or who will read them. So - we'll see..I'm going to try.

The thing about 9 years is that the pain is not so sharp as it once was. I'm still in pain and I still tear up almost daily but it does not drag me underwater and threaten to drown me the way it used to. I am acutely aware of what milestones we should be going through with Nathan. With Julia starting high school I wish more than anything she had her junior brother showing her the ropes...and driving her around. It sucks...to put it mildly.

But I am used to my life without Nathan so at least there is that. I'm familiar with it and it is my normal. Doesn't mean I like it but the loss doesn't permeate everything just some things and that makes life a little easier.

My family is really strong. I mean - I am amazed by that. We all went through our own and shared hell but here we are. Luke and I swore to each other on that diagnosis night, as we sat on the cold hard hospital floor not sleeping, that this would not destroy our marriage. I don't know how we knew to pledge this to each other but we did. Our marriage is strong. We are each other's best friend. We have born the same loss in different ways and we have grieved mostly in solitude, which is likely because of me. We have given grace to each other. We have grown stronger in our faith.

Our daughters are wonderful people. They are loving, smart, kind and they have a perspective many children do not; especially Julia. We all help each other in this house. We are a team. These girls are responsible and empathetic. I grew up not really seeing other people's emotions - especially not my parents. I didn't see my mother's weaknesses. These kids have seen that their parents are people too and that has made them better people. With my surgery that only increased. Who knew that being vulnerable and asking for help and being appreciative of that help could be good parenting...but somehow it has been.

I have more to say and I really, really intend to do so again soon. Don't hold your breath but I think I will keep writing for a while.

Friday, January 01, 2016

2015 in review

For posterity- a 2015 year in review.

January started with Luke's whole family here in Colorado. This doesn't happen often and was a blessing.

The four of us went to Mueller state park and did some sledding

Julia turned 13!

In February Julia sung in the Colorado all-state middle school choir

We went skiing on a Friday and the nearby hot springs on Saturday. As you can see the weather was perfect! Snow one day and swimsuits the next...that's Colorado.